How to Ask Someone Out

Co-authored by Collette Gee

Last Updated: August 5, 2022 References

Everybody fears rejection, but we have to risk the possibility of rejection every once in a while in order to get the things we want. Read this article to learn how to ask someone out without losing your sense of confidence and self-worth!

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Making a Game Plan

1
Determine whether this person is already in a relationship. This will save you a great deal of embarrassment and unnecessary effort.
- Don't ask somebody out if they are in a relationship. Not only is it essentially guaranteed that they'll say no, but it is inappropriate, unfair to the person's boyfriend/girlfriend, and reflects poorly on your moral character.^{[1]
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2
Be confident, but prepared for rejection. Decide beforehand what you will do or say if the person says no. This is especially important if you plan on asking out a friend, as it will reduce the likelihood of damaging the friendship.
- Being prepared for rejection will help you avoid appearing physically defeated in front of the other person if the answer is no.^{[2]
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- While you want to prepare yourself for the possibility of rejection, don't let it get in the way of your confidence. Rather, let it build on your confidence by accepting the fact that being rejected isn't the end of the world.
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Find out what they like, if possible. This will help you think of a good idea for a date. If this person loves music, find out what kind and invite them to a concert. If they enjoy movies, then invite them to the theater, and so on.^{[3]
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4
Determine how you want to ask the person out. If you are too shy to do the asking in person, then consider sending a text, Facebook message, or email.
- Text messages are a good option if you are too afraid to do the asking in person. This way, you will at least be able to hide your disappointment from the other person.
- If you have just met the person and don't have their number, you will have to do the asking in person, but don't fret! Doing the asking in person is romantic and can be very rewarding if the person says yes.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Asking Out a Person You Already Know

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Strike up a conversation. Starting a casual conversation first will help you ease your way into asking the question and reduce some of the nervousness you might feel.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- Send a friendly text saying "Hey, how's it going?" If you are doing the asking in person, approach the person and say hello. Make sure to smile and make eye contact, as this will show that you are interested.
- Instead of asking them out right away, first ask them what they are doing tomorrow, this coming weekend, and so on. This will serve as a segue to asking the person out and will make the conversation flow more naturally.^{[5]
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Ask them if they would like to go on a date.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} Suggest an activity that you think they will be interested in, based on what you know about the person. If you can't think of anything, here are a few ideas:
- Ask them to meet for coffee or a drink.
- Ask them out on a dinner or lunch date.
- Ask them if they'd like to come to a party/dance with you.
- Ask them out for ice cream or frozen yogurt.
3
Let them know that there are no hard feelings if they say no. This will help eliminate any awkwardness in the future, especially if you have just asked out a close friend that you plan on continuing to see on a regular basis. More importantly, it will show the person that you are confident and mature enough to handle a little rejection.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Asking Out a Person You Have Just Met or Want to Meet

1
Make eye contact and smile at the person. This shows the person that you are interested in them, and gives them the opportunity to return the gesture, showing that they too are interested.^{[7]
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Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}^{[8]
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- If the person looks away or doesn't smile back, they might not be interested. However, it might also mean that they are too shy to reciprocate, so don't give up quite yet.
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Approach the person and introduce yourself, if you haven't already. Be sure to act confident, even if you are shaking inside. First impressions are very important, and confidence is an attractive characteristic in both men and women.
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Strike up a casual conversation. This can range from complimenting the person, to talking about what's going on in the room around you, or asking them a question. If you can't think of a reason to talk to the person, try these things:^{[9]
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- Ask the person what time it is.
- Ask the person where they are from.
- Ask the person what they are reading.
- Compliment what the person is wearing.
- Talk about the music that is playing, or anything else that is going on around you.
4
Ask the person out. Once the conversation has started, let the person know that you think they are interesting, and would like to get to know them.
- Suggest meeting for coffee, lunch, dinner, etc. These are all very basic dates that are low-commitment, in case you don't hit it off.^{[10]
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  Collette Gee
  Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
  Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- Avoid asking them out to a movie on the first date, because it will not give you a chance to get to know one another.
5
Be diplomatic if they say no. If the person says no, smile and say something like: "Well, it was worth a try. Nice to meet you anyway!" and then leave them be. Don't continue to bother the person once they have said no, and definitely don't continue trying to convince them to go out with you. This will make you appear desperate, and make the other person feel uncomfortable.

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Question

What should I say when I ask someone out?

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Collette Gee is a Relationship Coach, Certified Violence Prevention Specialist, the Author of "Finding Happily… No Rules, No Frogs, No Pretending." Focusing on creating meaningful romantic relationships, Collette uses her experience having worked in the mental health industry as a psych nurse to conduct relationship coaching, online courses, and workshops to help women and men find lasting love. Prior to Collette's coaching business, she worked in the mental health field as a psych nurse which has helped inform her practice to create and sustain happy, healthy meaningful romantic relationships. Her work has been featured on TLC, London Live, the Huffington Post, and CNN.

Collette Gee

Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist

Expert Answer

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Ask the person directly if they want to go out with you so there isn't any confusion.