How to Deal with an Angry Partner (Tips for Dealing with Conflict)

Co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

When your partner experiences a lot of anger, it can be tough to deal with—especially if that anger is directed at you. If you don’t have the skills to deal with an angry partner, their feelings can cause a lot of resentment over time. Keep reading to learn how you can handle your partner’s anger and deal with them effectively to change your relationship for the better.

1

Pick your battles.

Sometimes, you can just let the small things go. If your partner is angry about something that doesn’t matter in the long run, just let them be angry until they wear themselves out. Fighting over every difference of opinion that you have can be exhausting.^{[1]
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- For instance, if you really want pizza for dinner but your partner wants Chinese food, it’s probably not worth fighting about. However, if it’s a problem about a big thing like finances or communication, it’s probably something you two should discuss.

2

Stay calm.

Counteract their anger with peace and calm. Keep your voice low, don’t yell, and try not to get angry back. If they step toward you, take a step back. If they scream and yell, talk quietly. If you don’t engage with their anger, they’ll probably calm down much faster. Although it might be tough, matching your anger with theirs will only make the problem worse.^{[2]
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- Controlling your emotions in a situation like this can be tough. If you need to, take a few deep breaths or count to 10 so you don’t get angry or upset.

3

Stay compassionate.

Your partner probably knows that their anger is a problem. As you talk with them, try to put yourself in their shoes to keep their feelings in mind. Remember that this person loves you, and their anger isn’t necessarily directed at you alone. This might make it easier for them to calm down and stop them from getting defensive.^{[3]
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- This can also help you if you’re taking their anger personally. Try to remember that they’re most likely getting angry because of outside factors, not necessarily because of anything that you did.

4

Listen to their needs.

Anger is usually covering up another emotion. If your partner is mad, they might actually be feeling hurt, upset, or sad. If they’re able to talk to you rationally, try to listen to what they actually need underneath all the anger.^{[4]
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- For instance, if your partner is mad that you came home late, they might actually be feeling scared because they couldn’t get ahold of you for a few hours.
- Or, if your partner is angry because you brought up something that you want them to change in your relationship, they might feel hurt or worried that you’re going to leave them.

5

Try to talk things through.

You can attempt to have a rational conversation with your partner. That way, you two can actually talk about the issue and attempt to rectify it. Try not to brush their anger under the rug, or it could fester over time. If they’re calm enough, you two can try to talk things out.^{[5]
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6

Give them space if they need it.

Sometimes people need to cool off before they can talk again. If your partner is really angry and you two aren’t getting anywhere with your conversation, let it go for a little bit. Give each other 15 minutes to cool off and collect your thoughts before talking again.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.}^{[7]
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- Your partner might need more time to cool off than that, and that’s okay. Check in with each other, and only start talking again when you both feel ready.
- Giving your partner space can also help you calm down and control your emotions. Dealing with an angry partner can be tough, so it’s important to take a break if you need one, too.

7

Be assertive.

Don’t bow down to your partner’s anger just because it’s easier. Although you can try to stay calm and rational, you can also stand up for yourself and tell your partner that they’re getting too angry. Express your own needs and wants while keeping your partners’ in mind.^{[8]
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- For instance, you could say, “I understand that you’re angry, but you need to communicate with me before blowing up like this.”
- Or, “We need to be able to talk about things rationally without blowing up at each other.”

8

Set boundaries for yourself.

Let your partner know that they can’t yell or scream at you. You can also tell them if they start getting nasty or calling you names. Respect goes both ways, and it’s important that your partner still respects you even when they’re angry.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.}^{[10]
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Mind
U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
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- Say something like, “I don’t appreciate it when you yell at me like that” or, “If you’re going to call me names, we can table this discussion for later.”
- Sometimes sticking to your boundaries might mean walking away from the conversation for a little while.

9

Help identify their triggers.

Do this when you’re both calm and collected. Talk with your partner about what makes them really angry and which specific situations seem to set them off. If you can identify those triggers, you can help calm your partner down when it seems like they might get angry again.^{[11]
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- Try not to judge their triggers so they don’t get defensive during this talk.
- For instance, maybe your partner gets angry when they’re running late. If that’s the case, plan to get up 15 minutes early and help them pack for work.

10

Talk to a couple’s counselor if you need to.

Anger issues can really take a toll on relationships. If your partner’s anger is causing you problems, a mental health professional can help. Talk to a therapist or a counselor to see what you both can do to smooth out your communication and handle your emotions better.^{[12]
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- Your partner may also need to take anger management classes on their own.

Community Q&A

Question

How do you deal with anger in a relationship?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It can be really hard, but try to be empathetic to your partner's feelings even if you don't like their behavior. However, it's also important to let them know if they cross a line and do or say something that's inappropriate or harmful.
Question

How do you respond to an angry husband?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

You can ask your partner if now is a good time to talk or not. If they’re too angry, it might be better to wait until later.

Warnings

If you ever feel unsafe with your partner, call emergency services right away.^{[14]
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U.K.-based mental health charity focused on providing advice and resources to anyone facing mental health problems.
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