How to Determine if You Can Trust Your Spouse to Stop Cheating

Last Updated: October 21, 2021 References

When a spouse cheats, it can be difficult to trust them again. As you come to terms with the next steps in your marriage, assess what your priorities are in the relationship. Focus on communicating your concerns and expectations in order to feel like you can trust your spouse. Identify if their deceitful behavior is an ongoing pattern, or something they are actively willing to change. Make sure to take care of, and believe in, yourself.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Evaluating Your Needs in the Relationship

1
Assess if there has been an ongoing pattern of untrustworthiness. Think about if your spouse's recent actions are new behaviors, or an ongoing pattern of deceit or unworthiness. Whether you have been married for many years or a few months, it is important to assess their actions over the course of the time you've known them.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Unfortunately, "staggered disclosure" is common in these situations, where the cheating spouse confesses to more secrets over time.
- Have they been reckless in their financial decisions, their relationships with friends or family, and appear to lack self-control?
- Do you feel safe and protected when you're with them, or constantly on edge about their behaviors?
- Does finding out that they've cheated seem to simply add to a list of problematic things in the relationship, or does it stand out as an outlier in a seemingly healthy relationship?
2
Determine what you need from your spouse to feel loved. Cheating is often a sign of something deeper going on in the relationship. Possibly one or both sides is not getting what they feel the need. Identify what your specific needs are to feel loved and appreciated in a relationship.^{[2]
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Research source} Talking to a counselor, either alone or as a couple, is a good way to uncover these needs or dissatisfactions. You can start right now by considering these questions:
- Do you feel appreciated by your partner through their words, physical touch, or appreciative actions?
- What do you feel is missing from this relationship? Think about the realistic options to address this concern.
- Do you feel like you want to rebuild trust with them?
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3
Believe in yourself. Cheating is not your fault. Do not seek to blame yourself for another person's hurtful actions. But avoid feeling debilitated by a sense of shame about what has happened. Focus on building up yourself. Know that you are capable and beautiful.^{[3]
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- Focus more doing activities that boost your self-esteem. Consider a weekend getaway with your friends, a relaxing spa day, or an adventurous trip to some place new.
- Make a list of all the things that make you valuable and desirable, and review this list regularly. Ask trusted friends or family to contribute to it.
- Avoid the desire to "get back your spouse" by, in turn, cheating on them or seeking out an affair. Ultimately it will not help you or your spouse to rebuild trust and confidence in your relationship.
4
Determine if you will be able to trust your spouse again. While you may be concerned about whether you can trust your spouse, it is important to self-reflect. Being honest with yourself will help you to be honest with them. Reflect on how you feel when you see your spouse, and whether you are willing and able to repair that relationship.
- It may help to get away for a weekend to reflect, or to talk to trusted friends and family to help you gain clarity about your feelings.
- Is there a formal way your spouse can make amends? What would help you feel that they are trying to repair the damage they have caused?
- You are not making a final decision today. At most, you can commit to a period of time to give the relationship a chance, and evaluate how you feel again once that time has passed.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking with Your Spouse

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Ask questions about your spouse's motivations and behaviors. Do you feel like you can talk with your spouse? Consider listening to whether they accept fault for their own behaviors, or appear to blame everyone and everything except themselves.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.} Try to listen to their perspective about whether this marriage matters to them.
- Do they seem to act only defensive and negative? If so, they may not be ready or able to express what they think or feel about cheating.
- After you ask to learn more about their motivations and behaviors, do they seem to blame you or others for their behaviors? This may be a sign that they don't see a problem with their behavior.
- Do they apologize for their actions? And do you feel like you can trust their apology? It is important to gauge whether you trust their answers and their apology.
2
Determine if your spouse is willing to change. A healthy relationship is about compromise. Identify whether your partner appears genuinely open to change, or is just trying to please you in order to feel less guilty. A cheating spouse will likely spur a desire for change. Evaluate if your spouse is really seeing change as an option for themselves.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Try to rely on concrete evidence, not your gut or what your spouse says. Your spouse's actions are what count, whether they include visiting a counselor, talking to a spiritual advisor, or reading about the behavioral problems and how to overcome them.
- Think about change as something that will happen over time rather than overnight.
- Understand that some changes such as ending an affair may be different from long-standing behavior issues that your spouse may have. It may be easier for them to end an affair than it is for them to change their fundamental emotional or sexual behaviors.
3
Create a deadline for change. You may need to explain in clear terms your expectations of change in your spouse's behavior so that you can trust them. Use a timeline, such as six months or another reasonable amount of time, as a way to determine if trust can be rebuilt.
- For example, you may want your spouse to spend more nights with you and your children, and less nights out late at work or with friends. You state that this is a change that you would like to see that can help to rebuild trust. You ask to see your spouse home by 7pm at least four nights during the week. After three months, check on how well your spouse has been following these rules.
- If the agreed-upon timeline is not upheld, discuss consequences that could occur. If you feel like you can't trust your spouse, be honest about possible consequences such as separation, if that is what you foresee.
- Make sure to avoid empty threats in which you may expect them to change, but continue to cave into their behaviors.
4
Stay oriented in the present. If you trying to rebuild trust with your spouse, avoid dwelling in the past about previous pain and hurt. Discussing and reflecting on the past is important, but it's easy to get stuck there. Consider scheduling certain times to talk about past problems so they don't interfere with everyday life.
- Try taking a more open and positive approach to the relationship moving forward. While this may take time, try making small steps towards positivity. See if your spouse is able to also work towards those small steps with you.
- If intrusive thoughts come to you throughout the day, write them down to bring up at a more appropriate time.
- If you feel like you can't let go of the past, this may be a sign that the relationship cannot stand going forward.
5
Establish rules for the relationship to move forward. For you to feel like you trust your spouse, you may need to openly define what is okay and not okay with your spouse's behaviors moving forward. For example, there may need to be new boundaries in who your spouse can interact with, order to feel less worried or anxious about their actions. You may also want to have access to their phone or emails for a period of time.^{[6]
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- Each relationship is built around your sense of security and trust. Be honest with your spouse that when they cheat, that sense of security and trust has been damaged. Ask if they are open to certain restrictions in who they spend time with.
- For example, you may want to establish a rule that says there should be no contact with opposite-sex friends outside of work unless your partner is present for a period of time.
- While monitoring their accounts may seem like too much invasion of privacy, be able to have an open dialogue with them if possible about what you need trust them again.
6
Spend time together. If you have decided to stay in the relationship, both of you need to make an effort to keep the good times going. When you feel ready, invite your spouse to share activities and excursions together. You need to reconnect on a personal level, and not only meet to talk about the state of your marriage.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Finding Support

1
Work towards more open communication. Communication about one's thoughts, feelings, and worries in a respectful and honest way can help to guide trust. Don't just rely on your spouse to be more open. Make sure that you both are working towards this. While you may feel less able to be open and honest when you're hurt, avoid closing yourself off completely if your spouse appears ready and able to communicate.^{[8]
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- Think about the ways that you and your spouse differ in communication. Are you more talkative and expressive with your emotions? Is your spouse more closed off and hesitant to open up?
- Be patient with yourself. Effective communication can be tricky when you're upset. If you feel like you can't talk without getting angry and upset, state this and end the conversation until you're ready to be more open. For example, say, "I want to communicate with you more openly, but right now I'm too angry and upset to do so. I hope that we can continue this conversation in a few hours or later."
2
Seek marriage counseling. Find support and guidance from a professional who has helped many couples before. Therapists with training in marriage and couples counseling can help to foster understanding, trust, and open communication. See this as a way to learn how to communicate better with your spouse about your needs and concerns about trust.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 3 September 2018.}
- Many health insurance plans cover some of the costs of counseling. Look at your health insurance plan about costs involved and a list of counselors in your insurance network.
- If you would rather pay privately, there may be sliding scale fee options through low-cost counseling centers or private practice therapists. Contact some counseling centers in your area about options.
- Consider other counseling resources in your area via churches or places of worship.
3
Set aside time to reflect and rejuvenate. Take care of yourself in mind and body. When you make healthy choices for yourself, you can feel more clear-headed about your relationship and what next steps to take. Do things without your spouse that make you feel better and healthier. Consider these ways to make time for you:^{[10]
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- Exercise. Go to the gym. Get outdoors. Take walks more often.
- Try new clothes and things that may you feel good about your body.
- Do mindfulness exercises such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing. This can help to reduce negative thoughts and provide clarity in your thinking.

Expert Q&A

Question

What should I do if I'm looking for an ideal partner?

Lauren Urban, LCSW
Licensed Psychotherapist
Lauren Urban is a licensed psychotherapist in Brooklyn, New York, with over 13 years of therapy experience working with children, families, couples, and individuals. She received her Masters in Social Work from Hunter College in 2006, and specializes in working with the LGBTQIA community and with clients in recovery or considering recovery for drug and alcohol use.

Lauren Urban, LCSW

Licensed Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

It helps to not get obsessed over finding the "perfect" partner. Instead, think about what values you care most about in a partner and look for someone that embodies these ideals. Keep in mind, a lot of the things you're looking for in a relationship may grow and evolve over time, so don't worry if a potential partner doesn't have everything you're looking for.