How to Dump a Guy

Co-authored by Imad Jbara

Last Updated: May 6, 2021

Breaking up is always tough, but it doesn't need to be complicated. You can learn how to decide you want to break up and plan for an effective and clean end to the relationship. You deserve to move on.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Deciding to Break Up

1
Define your deal breakers. How much is too much? Deal breakers can be anything in a relationship that crosses a particular line and "breaks the deal" of your relationship. What are you not willing to deal with from a boyfriend any longer? When and if those things happen, it's always appropriate to end the relationship. List out your own deal breakers and stick to them in your relationships.
- Some deal breakers should be serious. Any physical or emotional violence or threats should be taken very seriously. End abusive relationships safely and immediately. Read End an Abusive Relationship to learn more.
- Some deal breakers should be personal. Your boyfriend doesn't like to eat at restaurants? Your boyfriend smokes cigarettes? Your boyfriend hates the music you like? In some relationships, these things won't matter much, but in others they may break the deal. You pick yours and decide.^{[1]
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2
Decide if the relationship is worth the effort. Sometimes, there won't be any glaring or obvious deal breaker to find. Your boyfriend might be a great guy in a lot of ways. Still, you may find yourself feeling bored or unfulfilled. If you've started to find your relationship difficult, that's a perfectly fine reason to break up.
- Some relationships are worth working on and some aren't. But any time your relationship feels like more work than it's worth, it is fine to end it.
- How can you tell if he's worth it? Try to imagine your future. Do you see yourself with this person in a couple years, living the way you live now? Or would you prefer it to be different? Would you prefer him to be different? ^{[2]
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  Expert Source
  
  Imad Jbara
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
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3
Consider talking with your boyfriend about making changes. If your problem is about little things and small behaviors, it might not be worth breaking up over. If your boyfriend is a great guy but never shaves, that's a relatively small thing you could talk about. If your boyfriend does nothing but play video games and can't be bothered to look for a job, that's something else.
- Be honest. If something bothers you enough to notice it, tell your boyfriend it's making you question your relationship. Say, "This bothers me. Can we talk about it?" Give him a chance to change, for small things.
- You can change behaviors, but it's very difficult to change a person. And it's not fair to your boyfriend to expect him to become a different person, or for you to Try to become someone you're not.
4
Talk to your friends about it. Sometimes, your friends will have a much more clear perspective on your own relationship than you do. If you're blinded by strong feelings for a guy, they might be able to tell you more about how he seems obviously wrong for you, or how you seem to be unhappy. Tell your friends you're considering breaking up and ask for advice.
- While they may seems like dinosaurs sometimes, it's also good to talk to your parents. They've been there. Get their perspective as well.
5
Just go with your gut. If you feel like breaking up with someone, there's no need to feel guilty. There's no reason to stay with someone for the sake of making them happy, if you yourself are not. Tell him the truth, end the relationship, and give yourself a chance to be happier.
- Think of it like you're doing him a favor. If your relationship isn't working, don't waste all this time pretending. Give him a chance to find a relationship that will work better.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Ending the Relationship

1
Always try to break up in person. Even though it's more difficult, it's important to break up with someone in person. Even if you've only been going out for a short amount of time, it's better to break up while you're face to face.
- Break up via e-mail, text, phone, or in writing any time that you're scared to be around someone. If your boyfriend ever lashes out or abuses you physically or emotionally, you need to stop all contact immediately. Tell him it's over from a safe distance, with support.
- If you're in a long distance relationship, it can be difficult to wait until you're face to face. In this case, it's ok to break up as soon as you decide to break up. Try doing it via Skype, or some other video chatting service, to make it a little more personal.
2
Pick the right time and place. Once you realize the relationship with the guy you're seeing isn't working, you need to communicate that to him as soon as possible. Choose a place where you can be private and speak freely. This should also be a place that you can easily and quickly exit as well, if you need to.
- If you're scared about how a guy will react, always break up in a public place. If you still want some privacy, pick something like a park bench, where people will be close by, but not close enough to eavesdrop on your conversation.
- Do this as soon as possible. Don't waste time waiting for him to change, or waiting for something else to happen. Never wait for someone to break up with you.^{[3]
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  Imad Jbara
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
3
Plan what you'll say ahead of time. Consider some of the reasons that made you want to break up with this guy, and decide what he needs to know. Some of them might be helpful for him to hear going forward, while others may just be insulting and hurtful.
- If there are behaviors that might affect his future relationships, tell him. Say, "We're having trouble communicating. I never know how you're feeling, and it's not working for me." If you're just not attracted to him physically any more, that's probably best to save for yourself.
- Try to anticipate the kinds of questions he might ask. If you just say, "I'm not happy," he might say, "What can I do? I want to change." Have a good answer prepared.^{[4]
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4
Cut to the chase and be honest.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} What to say to a guy you're breaking up with? Just tell him the truth. Say that you're unhappy in the relationship, and you think it's time to end things. State your feelings as directly and quickly as possible. You can talk about the specifics and how they've made you feel.
- Keep it focused on yourself and the relationship, not on him. Instead of saying, "I think you're boring and lazy" it's much better to say, "I think we just work at different speeds. I need a little more activity in my life."
- Sometimes, it's good to get more specific, and sometimes not. If you don't have enough things in common, tell him it's the differences that are driving you away.
5
Keep things civil. A break up isn't a chance to let loose with little insults and blame your boyfriend for what went wrong in your relationship. A relationship takes two people to make it work, and sometimes it just doesn't work out.
- Try to keep your cool. If he fires back with insults, or wants to argue, do not respond to the attack. Just say, "I know you're feeling hurt and I'm sorry. But that's why this needs to be over."
- Never let yourself get dragged into an argument about something small or petty. Focus on the big issues. If you're talking about your failure to communicate and he starts critiquing your texting habits, just stay on the course. Keep repeating yourself, "This isn't working."
6
End the conversation. Too often, break ups can get dragged out way too long. If you've made your decision and want to break up, there's really nothing to discuss. You don't need to get into a big debate with a guy about whether or not he can change or work on the relationship. If it hasn't happened at this point, it's not going to. End the relationship and walk away.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.}
- Sometimes, it will be tempting to say, "Let's just give it some time and maybe we can get back together" to Try to make it less bleak. This is always a bad idea. If you do ever get back together, it needs to be after a healthy period of the relationship being over. If he doesn't think it's actually over, he'll never change. He'll never move on. And you'll end up right where you started.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Moving On

1
Stop talking to him. Once you break up, walk away and stop talking to him for a while, even if you hope to remain friends in the future.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 November 2019.} Stop calling, stop responding to his texts, and consider blocking him or unfriending him on all your social media accounts. Just avoid all interactions with him.
- Social media can be a tough trap during a break up. Try to block him and his friends, and avoid getting sucked into checking his status every hour on the dot to see what he's doing. Give yourself some space.
- "Staying friends" is a nice idea that almost never works. Trying to stay friends only makes the process of breaking up harder. If you actually want to be friends with this person, give yourselves some time alone to get over each other, and then reconnect later when your feelings have cooled off. Don't immediately transition into hanging out "as friends." That'll be too hard.^{[8]
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2
Give yourself some time alone. Often, it's easier to jump into a new relationship than to process the last one. Try giving yourself enough time to grieve over the relationship that just ended, and understand what went wrong, instead of just dating someone else.
- How long is an appropriate amount of time? It will differ for everybody. Longer relationships will always need more time than shorter relationships. If you just dumped a guy who you had a fling with, it might be fine to start dating again right away.
3
Have fun. Try to look on the end of a relationship with some sense of joy. You're free! You can do what you want! You can stay up till 2 am and blast Taylor Swift and eat chocolate ice cream while you watch "Orange is the New Black" without having to worry about your criticizing boyfriend. Just let yourself be yourself for a while, and celebrate your new found freedom.
- Start hanging gout with new kinds of people, and reconnect with old friends. Live the single life. Start meeting people, when you feel ready.
4
Start dating other kinds of guys when you're ready. What have you learned from this experience? If you've had a messy break-up with a guy, try not to make the same mistake twice. If you were attracted to someone for the wrong reasons, don't let yourself be attracted to your ex's clone. Learn from your mistakes.
- Sometimes, breaking up can be a good way to try out different kinds of relationships. Was your last boyfriend really dull and sweet and serious? Try dating a fun-loving party guy for a while. Mix it up.

Community Q&A

Question

How can I dump a guy nicely?

Imad Jbara
Dating Coach
Imad Jbara is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. 'NYC Wingwoman' offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Imad services 100+ clients, men and women, to improve their dating lives through authentic communication skills. He has a BA in Psychology from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth.

Imad Jbara

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

The best thing you can do during a breakup is be honest with the other person. Staying open and telling them what's on your mind will help both of you get through the breakup easier.