14 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Having an Affair

Understand the signs your boyfriend may be fooling around behind your back

Last Updated: December 16, 2022 References Approved

Whether you’ve just started dating someone or you’ve been together a long time, you might get the suspicion now and again that your man isn’t being entirely faithful. Maybe you’ve been cheated on in the past and are worried it’s going to happen again—or maybe you’ve noticed subtle changes in his behavior that make you wonder if there’s something going on. Are you just being paranoid? Is it all in your head? Or is he really fooling around? Keep reading: we’ve chatted with experts to identify possible signs your boyfriend is having an affair.

Things You Should Know

Pay attention to his grooming habits. If he’s suddenly started taking better care of his appearance, it could mean he’s trying to impress his side piece.
Note his phone habits. If he’s suddenly secretive about who he’s texting or keeping his phone face-down around you, he could be hiding something.
Check his bank accounts, Venmo, or PayPal if you can to see if his spending habits have changed. He could be spending money on his affair partner.
Ask him. A good boyfriend will want to hear your concerns and be eager to reassure you, while a cheater will lie, act offended, or say you're paranoid.

1

His grooming habits have changed.

He may be trying to look good for his affair partner. Your man's appearance can say a lot about whether he's cheating. If he didn't care much about his appearance before, but now spends more time grooming than you do, then something may be up. He may be improving or changing his looks to please his side piece.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
- Maybe he used to be scruffy before, but now he's always shaving, or he gets routine haircuts now, even though he used to just let his hair grow shaggy.
- Has he stepped up his fashion game? If his clothes have improved significantly, he could be trying to impress someone.
- If he suddenly always looks nice, even when he's supposed to be studying or working overtime, it could mean he’s seeing someone at work or school.
- A guy who’s involved with someone else might also smell different! He may be wearing new cologne to smell good for his side piece, but his body chemistry may also have changed slightly from being with another woman.
- He may also pick up smells and stray hairs from his affair partner: he might smell like perfume or cologne, if he’s seeing someone who wears a fragrance, and they may leave stray hairs on his body and clothes.

2

He’s started working out more.

If he suddenly cares about his physique, it could be for his side piece. If your man suddenly cares a lot more about his body than he did before, then he may not be doing it just for you. Unless he's suddenly determined to run a marathon (which he would probably tell you about), he could be trying to improve his body for another lady.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
- Remember that going to the gym could also just be another excuse for seeing his affair partner.
- If he's dramatically changed his diet to be healthier, he could be doing this to impress someone else.

3

His body language indicates he’s not committed to you.

A guy who’s no longer into you will become more physically avoidant. Read his body language to tell if he’s not as invested in your relationship as he used to be. If he’s not into you anymore, he might avoid making eye contact with you and give you less physical attention. Your man's body language can go a long way in telling you how he feels about you, and if he's really thinking about someone else instead of you.^{[3]
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- Some guys are just naturally shy and struggle with making eye contact, but if he used to be Mr. Eye Contact and now he always looks away or at the floor when you speak, then he may be doing it out of guilt.
- If he used to shower you with hugs and kisses but rarely touches you, this is a red flag.
- Some guys are uncomfortable with PDA, but if your guy used to hold your hand in public and has stopped, or has begun standing far away from you in public places, he may be worried that his other partner will spot you two together.
- If he's weirdly shy with his body around you and doesn't want you to see him with his shirt off, and only wants to have sex in the dark, this could mean that he feels he's being disloyal to his other partner.
- Keep in mind that while a decrease in physical attention often indicates a lessening of romantic interest, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s having an affair. (Still, it’s not great news.)

4

You have way less sex…or way more.

A side piece may make him less horny…or more horny. If you and your boyfriend are sexually active, he may stop spending as much time in the bedroom with you if he's cheating—but cheating could also make him want to have more sex! His affair partner may get him aroused and in the mood to have more sex with you than before.^{[4]
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- If you're having a really long dry spell, it could mean he’s getting sex from someone else.
- On the other hand, if he suddenly has a voracious sexual appetite, it may be because his sex drive has gone up from sleeping with another person.
- If he’s suddenly trying a ton of new moves in bed, he could have picked these up from another sexual partner.

5

He acts nicer to you than he used to.

A cheating boyfriend may be more attentive due to some serious guilt. And with good reason: if he’s fooling around behind your back, he should feel guilty! If you find that he's suddenly helping out around the house a lot more or doing a ton of favors for you, he may be doing it to compensate.
- If he cleans your apartment, fixes your car, or buys your groceries and has never done those things before, there may be a reason for it.
- If he's suddenly Mr. Romance and brings you candy and flowers, he may be trying to make himself feel better about cheating.

6

He’s a lot cleaner than he was before.

A cheater has to clean a lot to hide his tracks. If your boyfriend never cared about the state of his car or apartment but is now taking the time to clean it, he may be trying to hide evidence of his affair. If his apartment is much cleaner than it used to be, and if he always says he needs some time to clean up, he may be cleaning it to get rid of evidence of his other partner—or of you. ^{[5]
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- He could also be cleaning up to make his car, house, or person look nicer for his side piece.
- If you really want to find out if he's cheating on you, come over when he says he is "cleaning his apartment" and see what he's really up to.

7

He goes through mood swings.

If he’s cheating, he might show it by being extra defensive or extra happy. If he used to be pretty even-keeled and now gets randomly happy or unexpectedly upset, these mighty be indications something is going on. He could be excited about his lover, resentful of you for “standing in the way” of his new romance, or angry at himself for cheating. Pay attention to his mood to see if something is up.^{[6]
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- When his mood shifts, ask him why. If he says, “No reason” or “Nothing,” he might be hiding something from you.
- Of course, there are plenty of reasons a person could experience mood swings, and the reason may not be about you at all. He could be stressed about work or going through a period of depression—but he still needs to communicate with you about it.

8

He’s secretive about his phone.

He wouldn’t want you to see his texts to his side piece. Keep an eye on how he acts when he texts near you. If he’s cheating, he might keep his phone hidden from you, change the password, take phone calls in another room (or decline calls), or hang up as soon as you enter the room.^{[7]
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- Is he spending more time texting and talking on the phone than he used to? He could be talking to his affair partner.
- If he shuts his phone off around you or keeps his phone face-down, he could be afraid of getting a text or call from his side piece in front of you.^{[8]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Jacoby
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}
- Is he suddenly spending a lot of time online? This could be a sign that he's chatting it up with another person. If he slams his computer shut when you walk into a room, that’s a red flag.
- If you're feeling gutsy, try to check his phone or Internet activity when he's not around. If you find mysterious texts, emails, or social media activity, he might be cheating. Of course, if you're at the point of spying, maybe it's time to end the relationship.

9

He disappears for periods of time.

He may be cheating if he regularly drops off the face of the earth. Where is he going? What’s he doing? If your man used to be super communicative with you about his whereabouts but now suddenly disappears for hours (or even days!), he’s hiding something. If he can't take the time to answer your call or just send you a quick message, then he may be with another girl.
- Has he suddenly stopped allowing you to drop by his office or apartment? It could be because he’s hiding evidence of his affair there—or the side piece themselves.^{[9]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Michelle Jacoby
  Matchmaker & Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 7 September 2021.}

10

He makes excuses for not wanting to see you.

If he’s cheating, his excuses will start piling up. At first, you might have believed him when he said he had a stomach ache or was too tired to go out. But if he’s given you multiple excuses for why he can’t spend time with you, it might be because he's busy hanging out with someone else.^{[10]
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- It’s important that you both get time apart to be alone or bond with friends. But if he's suddenly always neglecting you to hang out with “the guys,” he might be lying about his whereabouts. (This is especially suspicious if he doesn't have that many male friends, or never showed much of an interest in hanging out with his bros before.)
- Cheaters may use “working late” as an excuse to spend time with their affair partner. Many professions have a busy season, and he could be working on a more time-consuming project, but it's possible that he’s lying.
- If he's always too tired to stay out late or hang out and was never tired before, this may be a sign that he's using his energy on someone else.
- None of these signs alone means that your boyfriend is cheating on you. But if all of these things come up repeatedly, then it either means that he's spending a lot of quality time with someone else, or that he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore. Either way, it's probably time to ask yourself why you're still in the relationship.

11

He talks to you differently.

If he’s cheating, he might compliment you more—or less! Being overly complimentary could be his way of trying to throw you off the scent (or alleviate his guilt). On the other hand, if he always used to compliment you but has suddenly stopped, it could mean he’s saving his flattery for someone else.
- It might not even be a matter of his being nicer or less complimentary: he might just sound…different. If he's saying things he's never said before, using words he's never used before, or even laughing in a new way, then maybe he picked up these words from his side piece.
- This sign applies to texting too: if you were having a long texting exchange and he's suddenly MIA, it may mean that his new partner just showed up.

12

He’s spending unexpected money.

If you can, check his bank statements to see where his money is going. Do you not remember him spending $200 on you at a romantic Italian place? Then he may have been shelling out cash for another person.
- Check his Venmo or PayPal to see if there’s any weird financial activity on there too.
- If he used to be open about his spending or have his Venmo and PayPal set to “public,” but has become more secretive and set his accounts to “private,” he might be hiding something.

13

He tells you he’s cheating.

At some point, you have to ask him directly what’s going on. Once the signs have added up and you feel like you've already found out that he's cheating, have a conversation about it. Then you can avoid snooping through his stuff, getting hurt when you see something you don't like, and spare yourself the extra pain and humiliation.
- Catch him off guard so he'll be less likely to come up with a brilliant lie.
- Tell him you'd prefer honesty over more lies. Make it sound like he's doing you a favor by confessing—which he really is doing.
- If he’s cheating, he might confess when you ask—or he might deny it. A guy who’s faithful will be eager to show you whatever proof you need that’s not cheating, while a cheater might tell you you’re crazy or act offended that you would even bring it up.
- If you're afraid to ask yourself but don't want to take the extreme route of following him or looking through his things, ask one of his friends. If his friend knows about his shady behavior, they may not feel good about it, either.
- Beware that asking his friend behind his back is a last resort: if you ask his friend, and your boyfriend isn’t cheating, it could ruin your relationship.

14

You catch him in the act.

If you secretly follow him, you might witness him cheating. If you're afraid to have a conversation or feel like you don't have enough evidence, follow him to see what he's really up to. Of course, if you’re at the point where you’re spying on your boyfriend because you’re too scared to share your concerns with him directly, it’s probably time to just end the relationship.
- If he says he's hanging out with the boys and you want to see if he's lying, follow him in a friend's car so he doesn't notice it's you.
- "Pop in" on him when he's not expecting it. Come over at random times, like when he says he's cleaning or working late or not feeling well. Whether he's with another girl or not, see how he acts. Is he happy to see you, or angry that you showed up without warning?
- If you don’t want to follow him, hire a private investigator if you have the means. They’ll do the dirty work for you.

Community Q&A

Question

What are the first signs of cheating?

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Michelle Jacoby is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder and CEO of DC Matchmaking, a privately owned, boutique matchmaking company based in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia. She is also the Co-Founder of The Matchmakers Alliance, an international industry organization for matchmakers. With over 12 years of experience, Michelle specializes in one-on-one matchmaking and group coaching to help singles find healthy, lasting relationships. She has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post, Self, and NPR. Michelle holds a BA in Psychology from George Washington University. She is also a Certified Matchmaker from The Matchmakers Institute as well as a Certified Body Language Expert from The Body Language Institute.

Michelle Jacoby

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Your partner might not be where they say they're going to be. They might also change their physical appearance, lose some weight, and/or shave in places where they don't usually shave.
Question

Is he cheating or am I paranoid?

Michelle Jacoby
Matchmaker & Dating Coach
Michelle Jacoby is a Matchmaker, Dating Coach, and the Founder and CEO of DC Matchmaking, a privately owned, boutique matchmaking company based in Washington, DC, Maryland, and Virginia. She is also the Co-Founder of The Matchmakers Alliance, an international industry organization for matchmakers. With over 12 years of experience, Michelle specializes in one-on-one matchmaking and group coaching to help singles find healthy, lasting relationships. She has been featured in several media publications such as The Washington Post, Self, and NPR. Michelle holds a BA in Psychology from George Washington University. She is also a Certified Matchmaker from The Matchmakers Institute as well as a Certified Body Language Expert from The Body Language Institute.

Michelle Jacoby

Matchmaker & Dating Coach

Expert Answer

If you're feeling paranoid, investigate why you feel that way. Usually, our bodies know when things aren't right, but we tend to listen to our brain more than our gut instinct. Sometimes, the gut is very revealing!
Question

My boyfriend has sexual videos of himself with a girl he used to date on his phone. Should I be worried?

wikiHow Staff Editor
Staff Answer
This answer was written by one of our trained team of researchers who validated it for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

wikiHow Staff Editor

Staff Answer

If your boyfriend has saved explicit videos of himself with another girl, this doesn't necessarily mean he's physically cheating, but it sounds like he could still have an attachment to his ex. It might be worth it to have a conversation with him about what qualifies as "cheating" (since it sounds like this does for you, as it does for many people), or to just end the relationship.

Warnings

Think seriously before you decide to snoop through your boyfriend's things. This is a major breach of trust, and if you're at that point in the relationship, then it may be time to call it quits anyway.

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