How to Forgive Someone Who Broke Your Heart

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: May 28, 2022 References

Forgiving someone that broke your heart takes time. When someone really hurts you or treats you badly, it can nearly feel impossible. Though you should never feel pressure to forgive someone before you're ready, letting go of hurt, anger, and resentment can really help you heal and move forward.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} If you're struggling to forgive someone that broke your heart, read on for some tips on how to do it. Most likely, you'll find that forgiveness can be a great help in finding happiness after heartbreak.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Spend time away from the person.

Consider a period of no contact with this person. Mute, unfollow, or block them on social media, don't text or call them, and hold off on meeting up with them in person. It may be really hard, but in order to forgive and let go, you'll most likely need some time away from them first.^{[2]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} This will give you a chance to process your feelings on your own and decide if you're really ready to forgive them.
- Going no contact doesn't mean you'll never reconnect. If you want to be friends with this person down the line, it's still possible after taking some time on your own. In fact, waiting until you're ready may make being friends a lot easier.
- You may also realize that you like not having this person in your life. Know that it's totally okay to forgive someone without the intention of reconnecting or even telling them!

2

Process your emotions.

Embrace the pain, hurt, and anger this person made you feel. If they broke your heart or mistreated you in any way, you've probably got some memories and feelings to process about them. Write down your feelings in a journal, cry when you get the urge, and try not to stifle thoughts about your heartbreak.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Though it may be difficult, you've got to look at how this person made you feel to heal and eventually forgive them.^{[4]
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- It may seem easier to suppress how you feel at first, but those feelings will come back to you eventually. To release your hurt and anger, you've got to fully experience it.

3

Write a letter that you don't have to send.

Use this as an opportunity to say everything you never said. Get all of that out by writing them a letter that you won't necessarily send to them. Write down all of the ways that they hurt you, the reasons you are heartbroken or angry, and even the good feelings you may still have about them. After you're done, try ripping up the letter or throwing it away. This can be a therapeutic way to let go of your feelings and can really help you start to forgive them.^{[5]
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- This letter is more for you than for the person that broke your heart. It's not a good idea to lash out and send an angry letter. That may end up making you feel worse, and it won't help you forgive them.

4

Dive into new hobbies and passions.

Focusing on your own life helps you let go. Learn a new instrument, join a book club, and plan some fun trips with friends. Find distractions that enrich your life. These can help your feelings of heartbreak start to dull. As you begin to feel happier and healthier, your hurt, anger, and resentment may subside.^{[6]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} This can help you see your experience with the person that broke your heart in a new, more forgiving light.^{[7]
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- Challenge yourself by trying things you never thought you could do. Take up skateboarding, go on a solo road trip, or even order something new off the menu at a restaurant.
- As you build up your confidence, you may start to see the good things that came out of your experience with heartbreak.^{[8]
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5

Prioritize self-care.

Taking good care of yourself helps you see things from a healthy place. Make positive lifestyle changes, like eating a healthy, nutrient-rich diet and getting 7-9 hours of sleep each night. Engaging with your creative side can also be a great way to cope. Try drawing, painting, or making collages. Concentrating on your own self-improvement helps you avoid living in the past.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} As you keep moving forward, it will be easier to let go and forgive.^{[10]
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6

Practice gratitude.

Be grateful for any positive things that came out of your heartbreak. Though painful, heartbreak can also be a really transformative experience. List the ways your life has changed for the better after going through the experience. Whatever these things may be, say them aloud or write them down on a piece of paper. Looking at the situation from a positive perspective can help you practice forgiveness.^{[11]
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- Maybe you started playing guitar every day and are now a virtuoso. You may have also learned a lot about yourself, like what you're looking for in a relationship and how to trust your instincts.
- Come back to your list anytime you're feeling especially down. It can really help bring you back to reality, especially if you find yourself missing your ex or stuck in an angry spiral.

7

Empathize with the other person's perspective.

This doesn't mean you have to like or support what they did. When you're ready, though, reevaluate the experience from the other person's perspective. Maybe they had a difficult upbringing that makes it really hard for them to be in relationships. Acknowledging their perspective can help you realize that maybe their actions had little to do with you. This can really help you take things less personally and forgive them for what they did.^{[12]
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- This can also help you avoid blaming yourself for their actions.

8

Reach out to friends and family for support.

Vent to a trusted friend or relative about your heartbreak. They can give you some advice, talk about their own experience with heartbreak, and give you some much-needed perspective. Call your best friend or spend the day with your mom. Reach out to whoever makes you feel loved and supported. Talking about your experience helps you work through the pain and eventually become ready to forgive.^{[13]
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- Avoid talking about your feelings with mutual friends of the person that broke your heart. You don't want what you say to get back to your ex, and it could make them feel caught in the middle of things.^{[14]
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9

Work through your feelings with a therapist.

If you're really struggling to forgive, a therapist or counselor can help. They can give you coping strategies to move through the pain and give you a safe space to process all of your emotions. Search online on reputable websites like https:psychologytoday.com to find a mental health professional in your area. You can even find a therapist that specializes in breakups.^{[15]
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- It's completely normal to seek some professional help after experiencing heartbreak. If you're struggling, it can be a great resource to move through the pain and start feeling good again!

10

Decide if you want to tell the person that you forgive them.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to reconnect with the person. In fact, you can simply forgive them in your head and move on. If you realize you do want to reach out and let them know, consider calling them on the phone or meeting with them to talk. Understand that expressing your forgiveness may not necessarily mean you get an apology.^{[16]
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- Forgiveness is more about helping you heal, not getting an apology from the other person, making the other person change, or reconciling.^{[17]
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- It's also possible that you aren't able to forgive this person. If someone mistreated you or hasn't acknowledged the pain that they caused, it may not be healthy to forgive them. Do what feels right for you and focus on yourself.^{[18]
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Community Q&A

Question

Can you forgive someone who left you?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Possibly—but you'll need to give it time. Forgiveness is a process, not a single event. You might feel forgiving one day and then feel triggered and angry the next. That's totally normal!