How to Get Your Ex to Fall for You Again

Co-authored by Lisa Shield

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References Approved

Getting an ex to fall for you again may seem like an impossible task, but it is possible. To get your ex to fall for you again, you need to think about what killed the relationship in the first place, then find ways to put your best self on display. You will also have to talk to your ex about your feelings and what you want to do about them at some point.

Things You Should Know

Before you dive in, take time to reflect. Consider whether or not your relationship was healthy and worth continuing.
Snag your ex's eye by reaching back out, spending time together, reminding them of happy memories, and acting casual and confident.
Finally, discuss getting back together. Talk about what went wrong in the past and let your ex know that you're willing to work to be a better partner.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Preparing to Get Your Ex to Fall for You

1
Keep your distance. While you are deciding whether or not you want to get back together with your ex, you should not be in contact with them. It is important to have no contact with your ex to deal with your emotions, process the breakup, and prepare to move on. Even if you decide that you want to get back together, you will still need time to yourself and so will your ex.^{[1]
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Tip: Don’t text your ex or respond to text messages from them until you feel you have had adequate time to process your breakup. This may be hard, but it is for the best.
2
Determine if your ex is available. Before you try to determine if getting back together with your ex is the right decision, you may want to find out if your ex is even available. If it has been a while since the two of you broke up, then your ex may be seeing someone else. In this case, you may be better off pursuing relationships with other people instead.
- Don’t try to reunite with your ex if they are seeing someone else. Just pursue your own interests, see other people, and be patient.^{[2]
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3
Consider why you want your ex back. While the relationship may have been great, sometimes it really is better to let a relationship or former partner go. Before you start trying to get your ex back, consider your reasons for wanting to do so.
- Some good reasons to get back together include: your timing was off the first time you were together, you needed more time to get over a previous relationship, or you have developed a new appreciation for what your ex provided for you.^{[3]
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- Some bad reasons to try to get back with your ex include: you're scared of being alone (of course you're lonely after a relationship goes south, but that doesn't mean you should plunge right back into that relationship); you miss the familiar (again, there's no issue with this feeling, but it doesn't mean you should get back together); you're jealous of their new relationship (again, a totally allowable feeling, but not a good basis for a fresh relationship attempt).
- You should enlist a trusted friend, family member, or therapist, to consider why you want to get back with your ex. They will help you tease out some less-than-stellar reasons and maybe help you move on.
4
Decide if the relationship was healthy and worth reviving. In addition to considering your reasons for wanting to reunite with your ex, you should also consider the relationship overall to decide if it is worth reviving. If you broke up because the relationship was bad for one or both of you, then you may want to take some more time to consider whether it is worth reviving.
- For example, if you fought all of the time and did not enjoy spending time together, then the relationship is probably not worth reviving.
- Some couples are so focused on getting back together that they don't acknowledge the issues and problems that prevented them from having a functional relationship.^{[4]
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  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
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Make a list of pros and cons if you are unsure. If you have a lot of mixed feelings about why you want to get back together and if the relationship is worth reviving, try making a list of pros and cons to help you decide. Be honest with yourself as you make this list and don’t omit anything because it seems small or insignificant. List everything you can to get a good picture of the relationship and make a decision.^{[5]
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Getting Your Ex to Fall for You

1
Focus on yourself. Even if you are 100% sure that you want to get back together with your ex, it is important to take time to focus on yourself first of all. Use the extra time that you have to improve yourself and getting back with your ex may come easier as a result. Some things you might do to focus on you include:^{[6]
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- Taking up a new hobby.
- Improving your health with a new exercise and diet regimen.
- Starting a journal to record your thoughts and feelings.
- Spending more time with your friends.
2
Act casual. It is important not to seem desperate if you want to get your ex back. Therefore, you should not let them know right away that you are interested in getting back together. Doing so may frighten your ex off and ruin your chances of reviving the relationship.^{[7]
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Tip: Take plenty of time before contacting your ex again. If you bump into your ex by accident, just act casual. Don’t let on that you are interested in getting back together.
3
Reestablish contact. Send your ex a text message to reestablish contact with them. Texts are ideal because they are more casual than a phone call or email. Texts are also less likely to be shared or discussed, so it is a more private way to communicate with your ex.^{[8]
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- Keep the message light and casual. Don’t say anything intense like, “I can’t live without you.” Tell your ex about something funny that happened to you or something interesting that reminded you of your ex.^{[9]
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- Make sure that you are sober when you reconnect with your ex. Drunk texts or calls are a recipe for disaster.
4
Meet up for coffee or lunch. The best time to meet up with an ex again is during the day because it will seem less serious than a nighttime meeting. Ask your ex if they would like to meet up with you for coffee or lunch. This will give you a chance to catch up, break the ice, and decide if you want to keep pursuing a reconciliation with your ex or not.^{[10]
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- Don’t say anything about getting back together during your first meeting. Just have a nice, fun chat together and leave it at that for now.
- Make sure that you look fantastic when you first meet up again. Looking your best will help you to feel confident and it will make it more likely that your ex will want to get back together with you.
5
Remind your ex of happy memories. Talking about happy memories is a good way to rekindle an old flame. By reminding your ex of happy time that you shared, you will help them to see the good in your relationship and feel more open to reconciliation.

Keep in mind that you will have to talk about the bad parts of your relationship at some point too, but enjoy talking about happy memories in the beginning.
6
Put your best assets on display. As you attempt to get your ex to fall for you again, you should consider the things that attracted them to you in the first place and look for ways to showcase them. For example, if your ex was first attracted to you because of your sense of humor, find ways to make them laugh. Or, if your ex always admired your cooking skills, find a way to casually mention something you cooked recently.
7
Be patient. Although it may be hard, you need to be very patient when you first start talking to your ex again. If your ex does not respond to your first text, don’t keep texting in an effort to get them to respond. Just wait and see if they respond. If not, then try again in a few days.^{[11]
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Watch for signs of interest. If your ex has not responded to any of your texts and/or seems cold other times that you have talked to them, then it is safe to assume that reuniting is not an option right now. But if your ex seems warm, friendly, and excited to hear from you, then you may have a shot.

Just make sure that you do not set your expectations too high even if the signs seem very positive. It is possible that your ex is just being nice.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Talking About Getting Back Together

1
Say what is on your mind. At some point, you will have to tell your ex how you feel and what you want to do about it. Having this conversation may be awkward, but if your ex has not brought up the possibility of getting back together, then you may have to do it yourself. Make sure that you indicate a willingness to work on things and a clear interest in getting back together.^{[12]
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Try saying something like, “Since we have had some time apart, I’ve really grown and I think that I’d like to give our relationship another chance. Does that interest you at all?”
2
Be prepared to talk about what went wrong the first time you were together. It is inevitable that you and your ex will discuss the reasons why you broke up in the first place. Your ex may be skeptical of your growth or willingness to change, so you may have to reassure them. Make sure that you are prepared to talk about what you have done or will do to make sure that the relationship does not hit the same snags the second time around.^{[13]
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Commit to change. If you say that you are going to work on certain things or commit to change yourself in some way, be prepared to actually do the things that you promised you would do. If you do not follow through, then the relationship may soon end again. Make sure that you and your partner are clear on what you both need to work on and that you follow through.^{[14]
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- It's really important to focus on changing and improving on what made your relationship weak in the first place. That might mean improving your communication, learning how to listen better, or learning how to establish better boundaries.^{[16]
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  Expert Source
  
  Lisa Shield
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 13 December 2018.}
4
Anticipate rejection. In some cases, reconciliation is just not possible. If your ex is unwilling to give it another try, respect them for being honest with you and don’t pressure or harass them to get back with you. Chances are that you both need more time or that the relationship just is not worth reviving.

Warnings

One thing to keep in mind when trying to get back with an ex - if it doesn't work out or if your ex doesn't want you back, don't force it. Remember that you are worth being with somebody who wants to be with you, and you don't have to trail after somebody who doesn't!

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