How to Initiate Sex

Co-authored by JT Tran

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

Maybe you catch a glimpse of your partner and you just really want them. Maybe you just woke up and it’s on your mind. Sometimes, you just find yourself really, really in the mood. Whatever caused it isn’t important, all you want to know is how can you get your partner in the mood to have sex, too. The truth is, it doesn’t have to be a mysterious secret. With open communication and a little bit of daring, there are plenty of ways you can initiate sex with your partner.

Question 1 of 5:

How do I make the first move in bed?

1
Try playing the role of the seducer. Don’t wait for your partner to make the first move! Even if they aren’t necessarily in the mood, you can help make it happen by taking charge of the situation yourself. Drop some really obvious hints or maybe pull out some sexy props or toys. You could also try a more playfully aggressive approach and tell your partner what you want them to do. The best part of both you and your partner feeling comfortable initiating sex is that you’ll end up having more sex—it’s a win-win!^{[1]
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2
You can try testing the waters if you’re unsure. Try making out with them to gauge how interested they are. Kissing can also help put them in the mood. You can take it to the next level by exploring around with your hands. Pay close attention to how they’re responding. If they seem open to it, go for it! If they’re hesitant or they stop you, you may want to back off.^{[2]
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Question 2 of 5:

How do you initiate sex in a long term relationship?

1
Don’t assume you know how to turn on your partner. Even if you guys have been together for a long time and you think you’ve got them all figured out. Research shows that many people either have only a small idea of their partner’s sexual interest or they’re flat out wrong. If you want to have more sex with your partner, you need to know how to turn them on.^{[3]
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2
Ask your partner what turns them on so you know how to do it. Use questions like, “Would you rather be asked or touched?” or “Would you rather me try to be spontaneous or do you like to know that it’s coming?” Listen to their answers. They’ll feel like you care about what they like (which can be sexy in and of itself) and you’ll get insight into how you can get them in the mood in the future.^{[4]
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- Communication can be a really effective way of keeping your sex life fun and exciting. If you know what your partner wants, you can give it to them exactly how they like it. And they can do the same for you.
3
Give them what they want, or take turns initiating sex. Find some fun and creative ways to turn your partner on based on what they like. For instance, if they like to be surprised, you could be waiting for them in the bedroom when they get home from work. Another option that may not seem super exciting is to simply take turns initiating sex. It could actually be a lot hotter than you may think. There’s a sense of anticipation about what the other person will do, plus you both get what you want, even if you have different ways of getting in the mood.^{[5]
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Question 3 of 5:

How do I initiate sex in the morning?

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Try a little foreplay to help get your partner going. It’s morning. You’re tired and your partner is tired. But you’re also both relaxed, which can be a solid foundation for arousal. Your partner just may need a little nudging to get there. Try caressing yourself or your partner. If you’re feeling really in the mood, you could even move to some steamy oral sex.^{[6]
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Expert Source

JT Tran
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.} Once the train gets rolling, you can try easy, but super sexy positions like spooning that don’t require a ton of work (remember: it’s morning and you’re tired) but can be super effective at getting the job done. It’s really tough to have a bad day after some great morning sex with your partner.^{[7]
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- Do what makes you feel comfortable and be sure to check in with your partner to make sure they’re okay with everything you’re doing.
2
Don’t worry about freshening up if the mood is right. Don’t let your fears about bad breath or a little body odor kill the mood. Chances are your partner really doesn’t care about it. After all, their breath probably isn’t so hot either. And there’s no need to worry about changing out of you pajamas either. The goal is to take them off anyway, right? If the mood is right, just go for it!^{[8]
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- If you feel self-conscious, try keeping some mints on your nightstand or take a sip of water to help freshen up your breath so you can get down to business.

Question 4 of 5:

Do guys like when you initiate sex?

1
Most guys love it! Pretty much everyone likes sex. The trick is to figure out how someone likes to have sex initiated. You can try out a few different ways, such as surprising him with a sexy outfit or spending some quality foreplay time. However, the most effective way to get him in the mood is to find out what he likes by asking him. Ask him what he likes and how he wants it. It can be a real turn-on if he knows you’re about to give him exactly what he likes. Clear and open communication can also make your sex life more intimate and fulfilling.^{[9]
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2
Find out what ignites his erotic flame. If he’s rejecting your advances, it may not be because he doesn’t like it when you initiate sex, it could be how you’re initiating sex. Don’t assume you know exactly how he likes it. Talk to him about what he likes and doesn’t like so you know how to get things started. It can be fun to try new and spontaneous things, but check in with him to see if he likes it. If he doesn’t, don’t try to force it or you could really turn him off.^{[10]
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Question 5 of 5:

What are some creative ways to initiate love-making?

1
Slip into some sexy clothes to send a clear message. Get things going quickly by surprising them with some sexy lingerie or that outfit you know they just can’t get enough of. You can try playing a little coy to tease them, or you could go right for it. After all, if you’re wearing that outfit, they know what’s up.^{[11]
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Leave out sexy props to drop some super obvious hints. Put some handcuffs on the bed or leave out one of the toys you guys like to use. When they see whatever prop you leave out, it should send a clear signal about what’s coming. It doesn’t have to be something overtly sexual either. Sometimes, just putting on some music or turning off the TV can be enough to get their attention.^{[12]
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You can also try sending them a sexy text to tease them. Send them a message while they’re on their way home from work. Something like, “Come to the bedroom when you get here, I’ll be waiting,” should be read loud and clear. Text is also a sneaky way to send a sexy message. Maybe you’re in the living room with your kids or family. You could send them a naughty message to tease them and start setting the stage for some sexy time later.^{[13]
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4
Start moving down south when they’re not expecting it. Try catching them at a normal time, maybe the kiss when they get home or while they’re getting dressed for work. Start exploring further down with your hands. If they seem open to it, you can move to some surprise oral sex, which can often lead to full-blown sex.^{[14]
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5
Don’t discount chores or routine tasks as chances to get in the mood. Sure, doing the dishes or folding the laundry may not seem sexy on its surface. But that can be the perfect time to catch your partner and try to initiate sex. Sometimes, the unexpectedness of it can make it even more fun. And as an added bonus, you both may actually look forward to boring chores if they can potentially lead to some sexy fun.^{[15]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

How long should you spend on foreplay?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

This is going to totally depend on you and your partner, so remember, communication is key. But as a general guideline, taking it slow and spending 20 minutes or so on foreplay is a pretty good guideline.
Question

What if I'm kind of scared to talk about sex?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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It's really a sign of a strong and healthy relationship if everyone is comfortable talking about sex. I know it might be scary at first, but it's one of those things that gets easier the more you do it. Don't be afraid to talk about sex! It's totally healthy and normal.
Question

How can I make my partner more comfortable about sex?

JT Tran
Dating Coach
JT Tran is a Dating Coach and a Dating Advice Columnist for LA Weekly and Baller Magazine. JT also runs the ABCs of Attraction, a dating boot camp where he specializes in coaching Asian men and women on how to navigate the cultural and social sensitivities associated with Asian dating culture. With over ten years of dating coaching experience, JT has presented dating and relationship advice as it relates to cultural issues at Harvard University, Yale University, and the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania. His work has been featured in AsianWeek, New York, NU Asian Magazine, the Huffington Post, Channel News Asia, and Voice of America News TV.

JT Tran

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

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Try to ask leading questions about what their preferences are. Try opening up a bit yourself to show them that they're comfortable with being vulnerable. Give them time. It's hard for some people to open up with this stuff.

Warnings

Don’t try to force your partner to do something they don’t feel comfortable doing. It could potentially damage your sex life and your relationship.

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