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This article was co-authored by Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT. Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy.
This article has been viewed 8,836 times.
You can't tell if people are gay or straight from looking at them. If you're curious, just ask them. Here are some tips on figuring this person out.
Steps
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1Watch them closely. Straight people are no different than LGBTQ individuals, but they may have different mannerisms, or handedness, or style. The person may seem to be heterosexual because they seem to conform to societal 'normal', but pay attention. Even the toughest football player can be gay, and the girliest girl in high heels with long hair could be lesbian.
- Notice whether or not they talk about being LGBTQ, liking someone of the same gender, and notice if they are sad or disappointed with homophobia or hurt by homophobic insults/slurs.
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2Befriend them. It's probably better to know them better than to watch them from afar. Many heterosexual folks tend to assume every else is straight, which can dissolve your curiosity. Or, if you're LGBTQ they may assume you're straight or cisgender.
- Be friends with them because of who they are, not just because you want to know what their sexual orientation is.
- If you already are friends with them, that's the first step of knowing if someone is heterosexual/straight.
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3Find out if they're in a relationship. If they are, try to find out who it is. If they are dating someone of a certain gender, then they may be straight, but that's not certain.
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4Be patient. Normally, people rush into finding out if one is heterosexual or not. However, don’t worry too much about this person being heterosexual or not: there are plenty of people who will like you.
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5Ask them. Yes, it may feel weird, but if all else fails, then ask the big question. Asking someone what their sexuality is is the only sure way to know. If they're not straight, don't stop being their friend or be upset.
- For example, could also be pansexual, bisexual, asexual, or still in a secret relationship with someone. Don’t assume that just because someone dates the "opposite gender" that they are straight.
- It is as normal to be attracted to the same sex as to the opposite sex.[1]
- If you want to know where a person is on the sexuality spectrum, you may consider their attraction towards the other gender or same gender when they fantasize, have relationships, or express affection.[2]
- Maintaining curiosity and working from what they feel instead of what they feel is acceptable in society is a good way to know where they exist on the spectrum.[3]
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Community Q&A
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QuestionHow do I know if someone is bisexual?
Community AnswerAsk them. Most people will not be offended if you just go ahead and politely ask, and there's not really any other way to tell. -
QuestionI want to know if my bestie is straight or not. I'm lesbian. What do I do?
NicoTop AnswererFind a time where both of you are alone together and tell her that you're lesbian. Then, casually ask, "Are you attracted to girls/women?"
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Warnings
- Don't be rude to them if it turns out that they aren't or are straight.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Simply because someone might be in a secret LGBTQ relationship, or they could be bisexual, asexual, or pansexual.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Respect their relationships. Don't try to break two people up because you like them. You will lose a friend in the process.⧼thumbs_response⧽
- Pay attention to whether or not they mention being queer or gay.⧼thumbs_response⧽
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References
About This Article
Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
This article was co-authored by Samantha Fox, MS, LMFT. Samantha Fox is a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in New York, New York. With over a decade of experience, Samantha specializes in relationship, sexuality, identity, and family conflicts. She also advises on life transitions for individuals, couples, and families. She holds both a Master’s degree and a Marriage and Family Therapy License. Samantha is trained in Internal Family Systems (IFS), Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), and Narrative Therapy. This article has been viewed 8,836 times.
Co-authors: 26
Updated: July 3, 2022
Views: 8,836
Categories: LGBT Identity
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