How to Love a Person for Who They Are

Last Updated: December 16, 2022 References

Sometimes you feel like you have to love someone out of obligation. Maybe they're an important figure in your life, such as a parent, child, or other family member. You may want to love that person, but you may have difficulty loving and appreciating them for who they truly are. If you can take time to learn more about the other person, let go of expectations and perfection, empathize with them, and show appreciation for them, you may come to a place of love and acceptance.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Accepting Who They Are

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Seek understanding. Seek to understand the other person better. Maybe you’re having difficulty with their beliefs or actions, which are different from your own. Maybe some things they do remind you of aspects of yourself you don’t like.
- Talk to them about their opinions and beliefs. You don’t have to agree with them, but by talking you can try to understand or tolerate where they’re coming from.^{[1]
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  Expert Source
  
  Zach Pontrello
  Embodied Leadership & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 12 July 2022.}
- Be open and curious. Come to them with a genuine interest in learning what they think.
- Understand that it’s normal and human to wish for others to be different or to change.^{[2]
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Practice empathy. Empathy is the ability to take on someone else’s perspective and feelings, so as to understand them better and act differently toward them. You can grow your ability to empathize with others by^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Remain curious. Talk with other people you don’t know very well to learn more about perspectives and worldviews different from yours.
- Challenge your own prejudices.
- Search for what you have in common with others instead of what divides you.
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3
Accept. Accept your differences and similarities. Appreciate the other person’s uniqueness and your own.^{[4]
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- You can indirectly practice acceptance by saying to yourself a mantra: “I accept you. You are who you are. We are all unique and your path is different than mine.”^{[5]
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  Research source} The more you say it, the kinder you will feel toward them.
- You directly practice acceptance to the other person by listening and validating their feelings. For example, if a friend just got fired from her job, you can say, "It sounds like you're really feeling scared about what to do next, which is understandable since you had a hard time the last time you lost your job." Don’t focus on any judgments you have about her losing the job, just focus on her.
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Spend time together. Share activities and seek connection with the other person. This will help bring you closer, learn more about who they are, and give you memories to share.^{[6]
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Research source}Spending time together will also help your communication and help you build on each others’ strengths. Some activities to consider:
- Sharing a meal together.
- Camping or spending time outdoors.
- Working on a puzzle or another project together.
- Walking.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Letting Go of Control

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Identify and let go of expectations. Think about what expectations you have of the other person. Write them out or talk them through with a trusted friend or counselor. Are your expectations achievable or realistic? Start looking at who they are and what they can do, not who you want them to be.^{[7]
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- For example, if you want your spouse to spend time with you after work, you have to directly ask them. It's unrealistic to expect them to read your mind and know what you want without you telling them. Instead, you can say, “I’d like for us to spend time taking a walk together after you get home from work. Would that be something you can do?”
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Encourage vulnerability. Vulnerability is the feeling you get when you let your guard down to be open with others about your feelings, mistakes, and imperfections. Being vulnerable requires courage and for you to put yourself out there. Without vulnerability, it’s hard to experience love, joy, and connection. You can encourage vulnerability by letting go of the need for yourself and others to be perfect.^{[8]
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- Maybe you had a bad day and you yell at your children out of frustration. Instead of moving on, try to be vulnerable. You can go back to your children later and say, “I’m sorry. I’ve had a really hard day and I took it out on you by yelling. I shouldn’t have done that.” This shows them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and that parents aren’t perfect either.^{[9]
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- Maybe you’re worried about what your mother-in-law is thinking of your house being dirty when she came over. Instead of worrying she’s judging you, try be vulnerable and show your feelings. You can say, “I’m sorry. We’ve just been going through such a tough transition to both of us working full-time, that I haven’t had time to clean up before you got here.”
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Reframe your thoughts. Even when you show empathy, understanding, and acceptance toward others, they may not do the same. You may be holding on to hope that they'll change. Remember that you can only change yourself and your reactions to those around you. Instead of constantly trying to stand up for yourself, try reframing your thoughts.
- Maybe your mother-in-law continues to criticize your cleaning skills every time she comes over, even though you've explained you are very busy right now. Instead of wishing she'd change, you can think to yourself, "It's okay for me to have imperfect cleaning skills and not meet her expectations. I love her for her attention to detail, but I don't have to live like her."
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Set boundaries. Even if you have differing opinions, traits, and personalities, you can still learn to like and love someone if you set boundaries.
- Be honest when they are frustrating you or when you disagree. You can say, “Am I upset that you don’t agree with me? Yes, but you’re entitled to your perspective, too, and that’s okay.”^{[10]
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- Limit the time you spend with them. Have an exit strategy if you need to leave.^{[11]
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- Know what topics you need to avoid with them.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Loving Yourself and Others

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Express gratitude, affection, and appreciation. Show your appreciation to each other by complimenting and encouraging one another. Make an effort to highlight what you like about each other, instead of focusing on the negatives.
- Keep a gratitude journal. Every week, write down five things you are grateful for about the other person or your relationship. This will help to remind you of their good qualities instead of focusing on trying to change them.^{[12]
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Commit. Invest time and interest in each other. Commit to each other during tough times and good times. Commit to continually working on accepting one another and working through any problems together.
- Forgive each others' differences.
- Be present. Don't talk on your phone, do work, or focus on other things when you're trying to spend quality time with each other.
- Establish traditions with each other.
- Develop and share common goals, despite your differences.
- Be willing to make sacrifices or compromises.
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Communicate effectively. Be specific, clear, and direct about what you want and need from each other.^{[13]
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Expert Source

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Expert Interview. 15 April 2019.} Share your perspective and listen to theirs. Show you understand by rephrasing their words and asking them questions.
- Use moments of disagreement as teaching moments about what you need. For example, if you’re struggling to love your grandchild because they never say “thank you,” you can say, “I love spending time with you and spoiling you with ice cream, but I feel sad when you don’t tell me “thank you.” Let’s both try to say “thank you” when people do nice things for us, ok?”^{[14]
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