What Is Narcissistic Gaslighting? How to Recognize & Deal With This Behavior

Learn how to recognize this kind of abuse—and how to respond if it’s happening to you

“I never said anything like that.” “You’re just trying to hurt me.” “You’re the crazy one!” These are just some of the things a narcissistic gaslighter might say to you, and hearing them can be disorienting and humiliating. Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of abuse in which someone makes you feel like your thoughts and emotions are wrong. They might frequently lie or humiliate you, only to turn around and deny what they said, leaving you wondering if you’re going crazy. If you’re worried that you’re in this situation, you’re not alone—and you’re definitely not crazy. This guide can help you figure out whether you’re dealing with narcissistic gaslighting, and provides a few tips on what to do about it.

Things You Should Know

  • Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in which someone insists that your thoughts or feelings are illegitimate.
  • Signs that someone is gaslighting you include lying, exaggerating, dismissing your feelings, violating boundaries, and refusing to admit their mistakes.
  • Narcissistic gaslighting can occur in many types of relationships.
  • If you’re being gaslighted, there are several ways to deal with it: building a support network, reporting the abuse, or breaking off contact with the abusive person.
Section 1 of 3:

What is narcissistic gaslighting?

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    Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It occurs when a narcissistic person gaslights you, meaning they manipulate you by insisting that your thoughts or feelings are illegitimate.[1] While gaslighting is abusive in its own right, narcissistic gaslighting is worse because it gives a narcissistic person a feeling of power and control over others.
    • A narcissistic person may gaslight you in different ways. For example, they might repeatedly try to convince you of something that you know isn’t true. Or they might hurt your feelings, only to later deny that they ever said anything hurtful at all. When gaslighting happens over and over again, it can make you feel like you’re going crazy and severely harms your mental health.
    • Narcissistic gaslighting can occur in many types of relationships: family members, romantic partners, friends, teachers, coworkers, bosses, and people in positions of power.
    • Narcissistic gaslighting is common among people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People with this disorder have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior. They need to feel superior to others, and they may use gaslighting and other manipulative behaviors to control and humiliate others.[2]
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Section 2 of 3:

Signs That Someone Is Gaslighting You

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    They lie and exaggerate to manipulate you. Imagine your romantic partner says “You never clean up after yourself,” when in fact, you always do. When you tell them they’re mistaken, they confidently repeat the lie and refuse to admit they’re wrong. You try to show them proof, but they ignore it and call you delusional. You begin to wonder if maybe you don’t clean up after yourself as often as you think.[3]
    • A gaslighter may also lie about something you said or did. For example, a boss may call you lazy, even though you’re highly productive and putting in overtime.
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    They dismiss or invalidate your feelings. A friend constantly teases you and refuses to stop. When you tell them they’re upsetting you, they insist you’re overreacting. If you stand up for yourself, they accuse you of trying to hurt them. They refuse to back down, despite your pleas.[4]
    • They could also suddenly change their behavior—like flipping a switch—and become overly apologetic. This could leave you feeling confused about their true feelings, and wondering if maybe you shouldn’t have gotten upset in the first place.
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    They leave you feeling isolated. Imagine your boss says cruel things to you in private, but in public, they’re charming and kind. You confide in your coworkers, but they don’t believe you. They’ve never observed the behaviors you’re talking about. After a while, you begin to worry that your colleagues see you as a complainer. You keep your mouth shut out of fear of losing your job.[5]
    • Feeling isolated makes it hard to think clearly, since the only perspective available to you is that of the person gaslighting you.
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    They make you doubt yourself. Your spouse frowns whenever you wear certain clothes. They call you ugly and accuse you of being a slob. When you confront them about it, they insist they’ve always found you attractive. This happens over and over, and you start to wonder: are you going crazy? Are you being mistreated or is this all in your head?[6]
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    They reject criticism and won’t admit their mistakes. Your roommate often leaves your apartment a mess. You try to discuss it calmly but they refuse to listen. They insist the mess is mostly yours when it’s clearly not. They call you uptight and accuse you of being controlling. They get visibly upset and you regret hurting their feelings, causing you to drop the argument.
    • On the flipside, they might be extremely critical of you. They might call you messy when you’re actually fairly organized. Or might they accuse you of eating their food when you did no such thing.
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    They project onto you and others. Imagine that your sibling teases you for struggling with math. They call you stupid for failing a quiz and mock you for getting help from a tutor. Your sibling is a poor student, but they won’t admit this to anyone. In fact, they brag about their grades and claim to be on the honor roll. They’re obsessed with how others perceive them and become enraged when you point out that they’re lying.[7]
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    They break rules and violate boundaries. Imagine your parent frequently yells at you in front of others, even family and friends. They often call at odd hours to ask for favors and get upset when you can’t comply. They take little interest in your life, apart from how it relates to them. But around strangers, they give the impression that you have a close and have a loving relationship. Your needs and boundaries aren’t being respected, except when it suits them.
    • Rules and boundaries can apply to emotions too. Putting their feelings before yours, or not letting you speak or express your opinions are all examples of crossing boundaries.
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Section 3 of 3:

What to Do If You’re Being Gaslighted

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    Confide in someone you trust. Speak to a therapist, friend, teacher, school counselor, HR manager, or trusted family member who isn’t close to the person gaslighting you. Get an outsider’s perspective. This can help you see things more clearly, making it easier to recognize abuse.[8]
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    Distance yourself from them if you can. A person who gaslights you is committing emotional abuse. It may be intentional, or they may be totally unaware of what they’re doing, but the end result is the same. If an abusive person can’t or won’t change their behavior, maintaining a healthy relationship with them might be impossible.[9]
    • Couples counseling can help romantic partners address challenges in their relationship, but unfortunately it’s not considered effective for preventing gaslighting.[10]
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    Stand by your feelings and opinions. When someone gaslights you, they try to get in your head and undermine your self-confidence. They twist your words, misrepresent your intentions, and manipulate you by appealing to your emotions. Don’t engage with them. Instead, trust your instincts and act accordingly. [11]
    • Again, if you need to talk to someone, confide in someone you trust. Make sure it’s someone who isn’t close to the person who’s gaslighting you, or who is aware of the situation but unlikely to be manipulated.
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    If it’s happening at work, keep a record of what’s going on. Having documentation can be helpful if you choose to expose the person by raising a complaint with another manager, or with your company’s HR department. It can also protect you in the event that the abusive person lies or otherwise undermines your efforts to report their misconduct.
    • Save emails and text messages that evidence abusive behavior.
    • Keep notes of conversations with dates and times. The more detailed, the better.
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    Lean on your support network. Healthy relationships are essential in life, but they’re especially important when dealing with a narcissistic gaslighter. Having outside perspectives gives you a clearer picture of a narcissistic gaslighter’s behavior. It also helps prevent the feelings of isolation and powerlessness that gaslighting can cause.[12]
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    Be extra cautious. A person who gaslights is not to be trusted, and you have every right to protect yourself. Avoid being emotionally vulnerable with them. Don’t share too much. And most importantly, remember who they really are. They’ll use many tricks and techniques to manipulate you into liking them or seeing things their way.[13] Don’t let them get inside your head.
    • If a narcissistic gaslighter is being kind or helpful to you, it’s best to step back and ask yourself, “What’s their motive? What do they really want?”
    • If they’re being critical, ask yourself, “Is this really a fair assessment? And even if it is, what’s their motive for sharing it?”
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    Learn to recognize narcissistic gaslighting when you see it. Read more about gaslighting and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Pay close attention to a narcissistic gaslighter’s words and behaviors, whether they’re interacting with you or others. Learn the patterns and techniques they deploy so that you don’t fall for them.
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References

  1. ↑ https://dictionary.apa.org/gaslight
  2. ↑ https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662
  3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
  4. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
  6. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-red-flags-gaslighting-in-relationship
  8. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/gaslighting-emotional-abuse/
  9. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting/
  1. ↑ https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/narcissist-gaslighting/
  2. ↑ https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/how-to-deal-with-gaslighting/
  3. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/gaslighting-emotional-abuse/
  4. ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/gaslighting-emotional-abuse/

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Co-authors: 5
Updated: December 11, 2022
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Categories: Emotional Detachment | Disturbed Behavior Emergency Response

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