How to Rebuild Trust with an Ex

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Madeleine Criglow

Last Updated: October 5, 2021 References

Rebuilding trust with an ex can be really hard, and it may take a lot of time. Whether you were betrayed by your ex-partner or you made a mistake that broke their trust, it takes real work on both sides to get that trust back. If you're committed to putting your differences aside and trusting one another again, know that it can be done. Read on for some tips on how to go through the process with an open and honest heart.

Method 1

Method 1 of 10:

Establish transparency in your relationship.

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Agree to always be honest with each other going forward. To rebuild trust with an ex, especially if a betrayal was involved, make a commitment to be truthful with them 100% of the time.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Don't lie to them to spare their feelings or hide parts of a story that you know they won't like.^{[2]
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Research source} Be completely open with them about your intentions and actions.^{[3]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- For example, maybe you're still in contact with friends that caused tension in your relationship in the past. Be upfront about this instead of hiding it from your ex.
- Although you want your ex to have positive feelings for you again, lying to make this happen won't help you regain their trust. It may make you lose it for good.

Method 2

Method 2 of 10:

Take things slow.

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Trust is rebuilt over time. After a romantic betrayal, for example, it can take a year or more for a partner to trust the other person again.^{[4]
X
Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} Remain open to talking through your feelings with each other, even if it gets a little uncomfortable, and make a commitment to making new memories with each other as well.^{[5]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Though you may need to talk through what happened a few times, make sure it's not the only thing you talk about. Set boundaries with each other (that you both agree on) regarding how often you talk about the past.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  Greater Good Magazine
  Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
  Go to source}
- This can help you focus on creating new, positive memories together. Spend time with each other doing things you both enjoy, like going to the park, taking a nice hike, or getting coffee to catch up.

Method 3

Method 3 of 10:

Tell your ex how their actions made you feel.

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Maybe you were the one that was betrayed. In that case, it's important to tell them how their actions really impacted you before you can repair your trust. Use "I" statements, like, "I was really hurt by your actions that day" or "I've been in a lot of pain because of what happened."^{[7]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} This can help you communicate the impact of their actions without making them feel defensive.^{[8]
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Research source}
- Even if they really hurt you, avoid lashing out. This can damage your ability to repair the trust between the two of you and may leave you both feeling worse than before.

Method 4

Method 4 of 10:

Empathize with your ex's perspective.

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Try putting yourself in their shoes. This can help you take what they did less personally. Maybe your ex was going through a really difficult time in life when they made the mistake. Perhaps they never learned how to have healthy relationships growing up. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but analyzing these factors can help you see the situation as less of a personal slight against you. Seeing things in this light can eventually help you forgive and trust them again.^{[9]
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- Try writing in a journal to process your emotions and empathize with their point of view.^{[10]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  University of Rochester Medical Center
  Leading academic medical center in the U.S. focused on clinical care and research
  Go to source}

Method 5

Method 5 of 10:

Forgive your ex if they broke your trust.

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This can be hard, but it's necessary to rebuild trust. If your ex really hurt you, give yourself some time to get through this process. Let yourself feel your emotions, like anger and hurt. Write them a letter that you won't send to express all of your feelings. Vent to trusted friends and family. As you work through your pain, you can start to heal, let go of what happened, and forgive your ex for what they did. ^{[11]
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- It may be hard to forgive because you don't want your ex to get away with the mistake they made. Try to remember that forgiveness is about letting yourself heal and move forward.
- If you're not able to forgive them for what they did, you may not be ready to rebuild trust with your ex. That is completely okay, as the decision is ultimately up to you.

Method 6

Method 6 of 10:

Focus on your own healing first.

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If you're struggling to move on, you may not be ready to trust them yet. In the meantime, take care of yourself.^{[12]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Pick up new hobbies, eat a healthy diet, and get plenty of sleep. Practicing self-care helps you feel good about yourself, which is essential to moving on and eventually repairing the lost trust between you and your ex.^{[13]
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- Try new things to build up your confidence. Take day trips to new places. Try different restaurants than the ones you frequently visit. Do things that you never thought you could do.
- As you feel better about yourself, you may start feeling grateful for what the relationship taught you. This can help you forgive your ex and even see them as someone worthy of your trust once again.^{[14]
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- Don't be too hard on yourself if you aren't ready to rebuild trust with your ex. Maybe you'll change your mind with time, or perhaps it's best to move on without them in your life.^{[15]
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Method 7

Method 7 of 10:

Take responsibility for your actions.

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If you betrayed your partner's trust, hold yourself accountable. Your ex needs to see that you really understand how your actions affected your relationship and hurt them. Use "I" statements that acknowledge your personal responsibility, like "I made a huge mistake" or "I feel terrible knowing how much I hurt you." Make sure to address specifically what you did wrong, and avoid blaming your actions on your ex-partner or minimizing what you did.^{[16]
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- Say something like, "I realize I broke your trust when I lied to you. I feel awful knowing how much that must have hurt."
- Don't tell your ex-partner that they overreacted or misunderstood your intentions. If you hurt them, be accountable to regain their trust.

Method 8

Method 8 of 10:

Say that you're sorry and mean it.

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Apologize if the trust was lost because of something you did. Express your remorse, empathize with how your actions made your ex feel, and follow that with a commitment to change your behavior. Don't make excuses or place any blame on your ex, as that may make them feel like your apology isn't from the heart.
- Say something like, "I couldn't be more sorry for how I treated you. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt. I promise that I'll never make that mistake again."

Method 9

Method 9 of 10:

Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

1
After apologizing and making amends, let go of what you did. To move on and repair your trust, you both have to make peace with what happened in your relationship. Every time you find yourself thinking unkind thoughts about yourself, things like, "I'm a terrible person" or "I don't deserve to be happy," replace those thoughts with kind ones. Try things like, "I'm a flawed person that made a mistake, but now I know better."^{[17]
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- Too much self-blame can prevent you from moving forward and changing your ways, which can damage your ability to repair the trust with your ex.

Method 10

Method 10 of 10:

Change your ways going forward.

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Make a promise and follow through with it. Maybe you frequently canceled plans on your ex while you were dating, which really hurt their feelings and made them stop depending on you. Going forward, only make plans that you know you can keep. If your ex sees that your behavior has really changed, they may start to trust you again.
- After you've apologized and forgiven yourself, let your actions speak for themselves. Be dependable and trustworthy and the trust will return over time.