How to Rekindle a Lost Friendship

Last Updated: August 13, 2021 References

You may have recently found yourself thinking about a friend that you have lost contact with. You may miss the good times you had and want them to be a part of your life now. Even though you might feel that it’s going to be nearly impossible, you can rekindle your lost friendship. All you need to do is contact your friend, get together, and rebuild the relationship.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Contacting Your Friend

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Find out how to contact your friend. Before you can rekindle the friendship, you need to first make contact with your old friend. Talk to mutual friends, use the internet, or other resources to find how to contact your friend.^{[1]
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- For example, you could ask a mutual friend, “Have you heard from Sandy lately? I’d love to get in contact with her?”
- Try doing a Google, Facebook, LinkedIn, or Whitepages.com search for your friend’s first and last name. Use their middle initial or name if you know it.
- If you went to school together, try getting your friend’s contact information from your school’s alumni association.
2
Send an email or private message. Once you know how to contact your friend, send them a message.^{[2]
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Research source} Instead of putting your old friend on the spot with a phone call which could be awkward, email them or send them a direct message letting them know you want to rekindle the friendship.
- Keep your message brief, genuine, and upbeat. You will have time to catch up on everything later.
- For example, you might say, “Hi Carole! It’s Syun-Hi. It’s been a while, but I’d love to get together and catch up. Do you think you might have time soon?”
- Or you could try, “Hi, Natalie. This is Tsan from tennis class a few years back. I know it’s been ages, but if you’re up to it, I’d love to catch up.”
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3
Give your friend time to respond. You are probably excited to get back in touch with them, but don’t get offended if your friend doesn’t respond to your message immediately. It could be that your friend is trying to figure out what to say in response or is just extremely busy.^{[3]
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- Keep in mind that not everyone checks or responds to email or other messages immediately.
- Consider the possibility that you may not have the correct contact information.
- If you haven’t received a response after a couple of weeks, try your search again to try to find a new way to contact your friend.
- If your friend responds, but doesn’t want to rekindle the friendship, then respect that and don’t contact them again.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Getting Together for the First Time in a Long Time

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Plan for the initial reunion to be short but sweet. Remember that you both may have changed a lot. The friend you used to adore could be super annoying now. So plan a meeting that’s long enough to get an overview of each other now, but not so long that you feel stuck if they aren’t the person you remember. This can also help to keep things positive and make room for another meeting in the future.
- Meet your friend for coffee or happy hour during the week. If things don’t go well, you can easily say you’re busy the next day and can’t stay long.
- If things do go well, you can stay longer or plan to meet up for a longer time on the weekend.
- You might tell your friend, “Why don’t we get together Wednesday afternoon for smoothies?”
2
Do something you both used to enjoy. A great way to reunite after a separation from a friend is to plan to do something that bonded the two of you in the past.^{[4]
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- For example, if you two used to love visiting all the frozen yogurt spots in the area, then invite your friend for frozen yogurt at an old hangout.
- Or, if you all used to meet up at sporting events, then ask your friend to get together to catch an upcoming game.
3
Invite your friend to a group event. It may be awkward meeting with your friend if you haven’t seen each other in a while. Doing something as part of a group can make rekindling your lost friendship a lot easier on both of you.^{[5]
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- Invite your friend to a dinner party or picnic that you are attending. It will be even better if there are other people you both know.
- Try asking your friend to join you and some others in a game of basketball or flag football.
- You might also want to ask you friend what they would like to do. Giving them a say in what you do together may help to increase the chance that they will want to join in.
4
Acknowledge that it’s been a while. You can rekindle your lost friendship if you talk about the fact that it’s been some time since you all were friends.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} Talk about how and why the relationship fizzled and what you’ve been doing since then.
- For instance, you might say, “Even though we promised to keep in touch, it was hard after I switched schools. And then time just passed.” By taking the lead in accepting responsibility for not staying in touch, they may reciprocate.
- Or, you could try, “After you moved, we just lost touch. The next couple of years I played soccer and learned to play the harmonica.”
- If the friendship ended on a bad note you should be prepared to discuss that.
5
Talk about who you are now. You will likely spend time talking about the past, but don’t spend the whole time remembering the good old days. Rekindle your lost friendship by taking the time to learn who your friend has become and telling them about who you’ve become.
- Ask your friend questions about their life and listen to their answers. It will help you learn about who they are now.
- For example, you could say, “So, tell me about you! What’s your career like? Are you in a relationship or do you have kids?”
- Tell your friend about your life. Talk about what’s the same with you as well as the changes you have made.
- Opening up about yourself can help them to feel more comfortable opening up, but make sure not to talk too much about yourself. Give them a chance to talk too.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Rebuilding the Friendship

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Resolve any lingering issues. Sometimes a friendship falls apart because people simply grow apart. Other times something happens that causes the friendship to end. In order to rekindle the lost friendship, you may need to talk about what caused the friendship to end in the first place.
- Apologize if you need to. If you did something that caused the friendship to end, then sincerely apologize for what you did.^{[7]
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- For example, you might need to say, “I know our friendship ended because of the rumor I helped spread. I am truly sorry for that.”
- Forgive if that’s what you need to do. If it was your friend that caused the rift between you two, then forgive them.
- They may also need to express their lingering anger towards you or regarding your actions. Listen to them with humility if this is what they need to do.
- Keep in mind that if the friendship ended badly, then rekindling your friendship may not be the best idea. You might only remember the good parts, but rekindling the friendship could lead to disappointment.
2
Make your friend a part of your life again. Share your successes and failures with your friend, as well as funny and interesting things that happen.^{[8]
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Research source} You don’t have to tell them every detail of your lunch or message them every five minutes. But, you can make an effort to communicate and spend time together.
- For example, if you know your friend has a poodle now, you could ask how the dog is doing every now and then. Or you could send them a birthday card on their birthday. Kind, thoughtful gestures like this may help to restore your friendship.
- Or, you might call your friend to tell them you finished a major project or received a promotion at work.
3
Don’t rush it. You may want your friendship to instantly be like it was before. But depending on how much time has passed, it may be like starting the friendship brand new. To rekindle the friendship you need to take the time to get to know one another again.
- Start by calling, texting, or messaging each other more often and on a regular basis. Slowly move to communicating on a frequent basis.
- Make occasional plans to spend time together. Gradually move to hanging out on a regular basis.
- Recognize that each of you have different lives now and that you may not be able to get together as often as you would like.
- Be sure to occasionally assess whether you are doing all of the work to stay in touch or if it is equal. If you are doing all or most of the work, then they may not be interested in maintaining a relationship.

Expert Q&A

Question

What do I say when I call up an old friend after a long period of time?

Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Dr. Adam Dorsay is a licensed psychologist in private practice in San Jose, CA, and the co-creator of Project Reciprocity, an international program at Facebook's Headquarters, and a consultant with Digital Ocean’s Safety Team. He specializes in assisting high-achieving adults with relationship issues, stress reduction, anxiety, and attaining more happiness in their lives. In 2016 he gave a well-watched TEDx talk about men and emotions. Dr. Dorsay has a M.A. in Counseling from Santa Clara University and received his doctorate in Clinical Psychology in 2008.

Adam Dorsay, PsyD

Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker

Expert Answer

Try not to overthink it. You could say something like, "Wow, it's been five years, I don't know how so many days have gone by without us talking, but I realized I really want to resume contact with you. Give me a text, let me know when you've got some time to talk, even if you only got five minutes, just hearing your voice on the voicemail was amazing, can't wait to reconnect!"