How to Respond when an Ex Reaches Out

Co-authored by Connell Barrett and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: September 26, 2022 References

Exes have an uncanny way of coming back into your life right after you get over them. If you just got a random text, DM, or phone call from your ex, you might be feeling a little confused (or even nervous). Fortunately, by figuring out what you want, you can come up with a plan to respond while keeping your cool. Read through this article for everything you need to know before responding to your ex.

1

Pause before you respond.

Taking a pause lets you calm down and evaluate your emotions. When you get a random text from your ex, it can bring up a lot of emotions. Replying to a text or a call too quickly can be a bad thing—if you haven’t thought things through yet, you might end up saying something that you regret. Always give yourself time (an hour is good) to pause when an ex reaches out.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- Plus, replying too quickly can make it seem like you were sitting by the phone waiting for them to reach out.

2

Figure out how you feel.

Know what you want out of the conversation before you reply. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Do you want to get back together with them? How do you envision this conversation going? Be honest with yourself, and have a goal in mind before you reply.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Try to think about how your ex might be feeling, too. For instance, if you two just broke up a few weeks ago and your ex hasn’t moved on yet, they might want to get back together. But, if it’s been months and your ex is in a new relationship, they might just be feeling nostalgic.

3

Be casual and polite to keep things friendly.

Treating them like a friend helps keep things civil between you two. Try not to immediately dive into questions or beg them to get back together with you. Instead, reply to their message like you would anyone else. This can help foster a casual relationship with your ex, which is great if you want to be friends with them.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- “Hey! I’m so glad you reached out. I wanted to ask you for some advice.”
- “I was just going to message you! How have you been?”
- You can be polite and stay in contact with your ex while still making it clear that you're not interested.^{[4]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

4

Ask them why they reached out if you’re confused.

If you aren’t sure, asking why is the only way to know. Maybe they just sent a cryptic “Hey,” or they’re messaging you about things you did together in the past. Ask them why, exactly, they’re reaching out to you now, and what they’d like to get out of the interaction.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- “It’s good to hear from you. Can I ask why you reached out?”
- “How come you decided to text me now? It’s been so long since we last talked.”

5

Hear them out if they want closure.

Your ex might be reaching out to apologize or clarify things. If that’s the case, it’s up to you whether or not you want to chat with them about the history of your relationship. If your relationship was a toxic one or you’re not ready to forgive them yet, feel free to ignore their message. But, if you think you might benefit from chatting with your ex about what happened, feel free to listen to what they have to say.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- “I’m interested to hear what you think about our breakup. Maybe it will give us both some closure.”
- “I’m open to chatting with you, but I’m not sure if I’ve forgiven you yet. The breakup was really hard for me.”

6

Try not to lead them on if you're not interested.

Maybe your ex wants to get back together, but you don’t. If that’s the case, it’s best not to respond to their messages at all. Keeping in contact with someone who still has feelings for you can really hurt them, and it won’t make you feel very good, either.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- This is especially true if you have another partner. You don’t want to give your ex hope and hurt your new significant other in the process.

7

Ignore them if you aren’t ready to talk.

You’re under no obligation to respond to your ex. If you’re still recovering from the breakup or you don’t want to get involved with them again, read their message and then delete it. It’s totally up to you whether or not you want to talk to your ex again, and ignoring them is a great way to keep them out of your life.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Sometimes, exes will try to worm their way back into your life when they see you thriving. If you’re doing super well and your ex isn’t, they might be reaching out because they regret breaking things off with you.
- You might also want to ignore their message if you’re dating someone new. Responding to an ex can be hurtful to a new partner, which is the last thing you want if your relationship is going well.

8

Try not to get your hopes up if you want to get back together.

An ex reaching out doesn’t necessarily mean they want to get back together with you. Exes reach out for a lot of reasons, and wanting a relationship again might be one of them. However, your ex might also be reaching out because they want closure, because they want to be friends, or because they just want to hook up one last time.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. Although your mind might be racing, don’t assume you know what they want until they tell you.

9

Ask to meet up if you're hoping to rekindle the relationship.

An in person convo is a better place to chat about your feelings. If your ex reaching out seems like a blessing in disguise, you might still have feelings for them. Put some feelers out by letting your ex know that you want to hang out or have a chat with them. If they agree, they might just be open to getting back together with you.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- “Hey, it’s nice to hear from you again. Wanna grab coffee this week?”
- “I’m glad you texted me. I have something I wanna talk to you about. Can you come over soon?”

10

Work through any problems before getting back together.

Trying your relationship again could lead to an on-again off-again situation. While the idea of romancing your ex again might be tempting, think about why you broke up in the first place. If those same issues are just going to rise to the surface, you might not want to get back together (especially if you haven’t talked about those problems yet).^{[11]
X
Trustworthy Source
PubMed Central
Journal archive from the U.S. National Institutes of Health
Go to source}
- These push-pull relationships can really take a toll on your mental health. The constant questioning and worry about your relationship rarely leads to a healthy, beneficial partnership.

11

Reply to any late-night messages the next day.

Late-night texts or calls could mean your ex is drunk or lonely. Chatting with your drunk ex probably isn’t something you want to spend your Friday night doing, and they might not remember all of it in the morning, anyway. If your ex reaches out past 10 pm, leave them on read until the next morning.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- Definitely don’t respond to any “You up?” texts, since that could mean your ex is looking for a booty call.

Community Q&A

Question

How should you respond if your ex sends flirty texts?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation, his own relationship consulting business founded in 2017 and based out of New York City. Connell advises clients based on his A.C.E. Dating System: Authenticity, Clarity, and Expressiveness. He is also a dating coach with the dating app The League. His work has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The Oprah Magazine, and Today.

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Keep your reply polite but businesslike—don't use any emojis, either. This gives a subtle but clear hint that you aren't interested.
Question

What should you do when your ex wants to meet you in person to talk and explain why he dumped you but at the moment you have someone you love? Is it okay to meet up?

Rtmarchese

Community Answer

Reply “I’m in a relationship now and he/she wouldn’t feel comfortable with me meeting you.”