How to Respond when You Find Out Your Girlfriend has Another Boyfriend

Co-authored by Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Last Updated: September 25, 2022 References

You just found out your girlfriend has another boyfriend—are you feeling angry, jealous, confused? It’s rarely easy to find out that the one you want to be with wants to be with someone else (even if they also want to be with you). How you respond to this information will depend on how you found out, where you stand in the relationship, and what your end goal is.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Analyzing the Situation

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Consider if she cheated. Did you two ever discuss being in an exclusive relationship or did you just assume? When people date, we are generally open to going on dates with different people until we feel strongly enough to shed all other romantic relationships, in favor of “the one”. There is nothing unusual or immoral about having more than one partner unless that person specifically agreed to be monogamous.
- Did they offer this information? Or did you find out while they were hiding it?
- Have you been monogamous?
- Do you feel a lack of trust, not because they are dating other people, but because of the way you found out?^{[1]
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2
Decide if you are ok with it. Whether she is polyamorous and will never settle down with one partner or just not sure yet who is worthy to be her one and only, you have to decide if you can be happy in the relationship. Don’t try to force it just to prove you’re “cool and open to new things”; if you fake it, you’ll just end up resenting her, hating him, and probably not feel too good about yourself, ultimately.
- Ask yourself if your ego can take it.
- Ask her if she'll have enough free time to keep you satisfied in the relationship.
- Consider if it will be easier and more enjoyable to not have to feel obliged to satisfy all of her needs/time by yourself.^{[2]
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3
Ask if you can also see other people. By splitting her time among multiple boyfriends, she is reducing the amount of time she can spend with you. If you date other people, does that solve the problem?
4
Reduce your investment in the relationship. By also dating other people, or just adjusting your expectations, you make the decision and acceptance less difficult and less all-or-nothing.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Communicating Your Position

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Be thoroughly honest. Regardless of your decision, being openly and completely honest is the only way to get what you want and need.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} If, you do not feel comfortable with her having another boyfriend, tell her—she’ll either decide to make a decision in your favor, or she’ll decide not to, either way, you can move on. ^{[4]
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- Being completely open about all your feelings, including anger, disgust, jealousy, or any negative feelings, ultimately results in less distress than sugarcoating.^{[5]
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  Expert Source
  
  Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
  Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
  Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.}
2
Tell her why, if you are not comfortable. For example, "I want to be in a relationship with you, but this is not the type of relationship I want."
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Tell her why, if you are comfortable with it, let her know and she will be more trusting of you. She will feel comfortable being open and honest with you moving forward and you won’t be in the dark.
- Explain why you are ok with it. For example, "Although I'd prefer to have you all to myself, I feel strongly enough about you, that I think we can make it work."
4
Define your boundaries. Regardless of whether she decides to get monogamous with you or, you decide to be cool with her other boyfriend, you’ll need clear boundaries.
- If she decides to leave the other dude, does it have to be immediately, or can she slowly fade away? Will you feel comfortable with them going out one more time so she can tell him in person?
- What type of sexual safety precautions will you two practice? Being intimate with someone carries serious risks--STDs, pregnancy--safety and responsibility should always be your top priorities. ^{[6]
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- Is she only dating two people, three, or as many as she wants?
- Is there a certain amount of time with her you will need to feel fulfilled? What will she need from you, for her to be fulfilled?
- Are you going to be dating other people also?
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Communicate your boundaries. Don't just text them a list of boundaries, but communicate how you feel about each boundary and how you would feel if it is crossed. For example:
- "As long as you continue to make time for me, I'm ok with you dating other people. I need to see you at least a couple times a week for this relationship to work for me. I need some consistency, or I'll have to move on."

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Ending the Relationship

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Communicate why you are ending the relationship.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, & Fitness Expert
Expert Interview. 6 October 2021.} She may not have known exactly how this situation has effected you. It is probably more complicated than just jealousy (though jealousy may be a part of it). Explain the many things you feel and why it's not going to work for you. You'll feel better expressing your needs, and who knows, maybe she will learn something from your honesty. ^{[8]
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Express your feelings and situation; don't focus on them. Use 'I' statements: "I don't feel comfortable with this. I was raised to be monogamous. I can't feel safe, if you're having multiple sexual partners. I need to find a relationship that meets my needs."
3
Don’t be a Jerk. Even if you were lied to and told the relationship was monogamous, or you’re just plain grossed out by the idea of dating multiple people, nothing good can come from name-calling and being judgmental. If, during the previous steps, you were completely honest, you will have already told her how you feel about the situation and, hopefully, how you feel about her. If it doesn’t work out, understand that her lifestyle or personal needs don’t necessarily have anything to do with you! Everyone’s different, and has different needs and desires. ^{[9]
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- Explain objective reasons without anger or judgement. i.e., "I'n not mad at you for dating other people, but I don't want the same things."
- Exit gracefully: if she ever changes her mind, you’ll be the first person she calls
- If you end up changing your mind, you’ll still be able to call her.
- Being non-abusive or mean is just the right thing to do!

Community Q&A

Question

Can I trust my girlfriend after she cheated?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

It depends—ultimately, you have to decide if trust can be rebuilt. After having a deep discussion with your girlfriend, ask her if she's willing to continue your relationship. Rebuilding trust is a really long journey, but honest reflection and counseling can be a big help. Also, testing for STDs and creating open lines of communication can go a long way to rebuilding broken trust.
Question

When should you dump someone for cheating?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

End the relationship if the trust between you both is gone for good. This is an incredibly tough decision to make, so give yourself plenty of time to think before you decide. Getting some space from your partner might help.
Question

How do I separate from my significant other?

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)
Dr. Supatra Tovar is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949), Registered Dietitian, Fitness Expert, and the Owner of Dr. Supatra Tovar and Associates. Dr. Tovar has worked in the fields of health education, clinical dietetics, and psychology. With over 25 years of holistic wellness experience, she practices Holistic Health Psychotherapy. She combines her psychology, diet, and fitness knowledge to help those struggling with depression, weight gain, eating disorders, life transitions, and relationships. Dr. Tovar holds a BA in Environmental Biology from The University of Colorado Boulder, an MS in Nutrition Science from California State University, Los Angeles, and a PsyD in Clinical Health Psychology from Alliant International University, Los Angeles.

Supatra Tovar, PsyD, RD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist (PSY #31949)

Expert Answer

Communication is key to a conflict-free separation. Clearly define how and when you both will separate, and who should get what during a permanent separation or divorce. To help with your own healing, visit a therapist to find closure.