How to Say No when Someone Asks You Out

Last Updated: March 30, 2021 References

Getting asked out is sometimes as stressful as asking someone out yourself. This can certainly be the case if you're rejecting someone's advances. Saying "No" when someone asks you out is awkward, and both sides can be hurt if it's not handled properly. Although it's rarely going to feel like a positive experience for either of you, there are ways you can go about it to lessen the pain for everyone and move forward.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Rejecting a Friend

1
Keep your initial rejection straightforward.^{[1]
X
Research source} If you've just been approached by a friend for a date, the best thing you can do to start is to give your answer right off the bat. Don't beat around the bush or avoid giving a real response. Something short and straightforward is best. Although something as simple as "I'm just not into you that way" sounds cold, it's important to lay down the groundwork first. Once that's out of the way, you can offer consolation as a friend.
- Say something like "Sorry, I think you're great but I just don't see you that way." rejecting someone like this offers a compliment, but still makes the rejection firm and straightforward.^{[2]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Christina Jay, NLP
  Dating & Relationship Coach
  Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- Don't be worried about being blunt. Being blunt will save the other person pain in the long run.
2
Be honest.^{[3]
X
Research source} Even if you don't take the other person seriously as a dating prospect, his feelings still matter. Trying to sugarcoat the situation to protect his feelings is a common mistake people make, but you should try to be as honest and forthcoming about your rejection as you can. After all, he went out of his way to ask you out. The least he should get in return is some sincerity on your part.^{[4]
X
Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- Don't confuse honesty with being cold. There are always ways you can word something to sound less harsh. For instance, instead of saying "I think you're ugly," you can soften it by reminding him it's all about personal taste: "I'm not personally attracted to you, but I could see why other girls might be."
- Avoiding the touchier parts of your rejection may seem like a good idea at first, but runs the risk of being misinterpreted. Your best bet is to give as many reasons as needed to make him understand the rejection.
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3
Empathize with the other person. If you've ever asked someone out before, you should be able to empathize with the sort of courage it can take to make yourself vulnerable to someone. If he's already a friend of yours, he probably sees you as more than just a dating prospect. Taking the moment to see things from the other person's point of view can make it a lot easier to talk things out together.
- Even if you feel for the other person, don't let the empathy change your mind about the rejection. There's obviously a rejection why you rejected the person in the first place, and it's a good idea to stick with it once you've started.
- Any type of social rejection hurts a lot. When you're trying to empathize, it's a good idea to think back on times you've been rejected. Social rejection can take many forms, and it can have dismal effects on the person being rejected.^{[5]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  American Psychological Association
  Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists
  Go to source}
- If you consider him a friend, you're probably going to want to save his feelings from being hurt. While this a good thing, you shouldn't let protecting his feelings get in the way of talking about the situation.
4
Offer a compliment to lessen the blow. Compliments are a good way of making someone feeling better after you've caused them pain. A compliment is a good consolation, and can go a long way towards making that person feel better. It's very important to note that the compliment shouldn't be anything that makes him think like he still has a chance at dating you. Keep the compliment platonic; say something that you'd normally have no problem complimenting a friend for.
- If it applies, say something like: "Even though we wouldn't be good together, I think you're incredibly sweet and funny."
5
Focus on the good things in your friendship.^{[6]
X
Research source} While this isn't something you have to be worried about if you're approached by a stranger, rejecting a friend can have negative consequences for the friendship you already have. After you've gotten past the initial stages of rejection, it's a good idea to talk about the good things in the friendship you already have. The person you rejected may not sound too enthusiastic about the friendship at first, but reminding him of the good things is an important part of moving forward.
- Stress how much the friendship personally means to you. This will boost his self-confidence. After just being rejected, he'll probably need that consolation.
6
Give space and time. All rejections need time and space to heal over. Even if you're very good friends with this person, it's often a good idea to offer some space apart while he regains his bearings. After enough time has elapsed, the two of you should start talking again and pick up the friendship where you left off. The time apart will be healthy for you too. Although your friend may come back after a while, you should expect to make the initiative in continuing the friendship. Wait until you think the dust has settled, and ask your friend how he's doing. After talking for a bit, you should get an idea if enough time has passed or not.
- Time will vary depending on the outcome of the rejection and the type of people the two of you are. Time apart could be a matter of hours to a few months.
- It should be cautioned that there's always a chance your friend won't be interested in continuing the friendship at all. Sometimes the pain will be too much.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Rejecting a Stranger

1
Go with your gut.^{[7]
X
Research source} Although you should give just about anyone a chance to prove themselves, being approached by a stranger in a public place usually relies on spontaneous decision making. If there's something about the stranger's approach that's made you uneasy, it's a good idea to go with your gut and reject. On the other hand, if you feel good and like the attention, don't be afraid to let it continue and see where it goes.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Christina Jay, NLP
Dating & Relationship Coach
Expert Interview. 11 February 2020.}
- Saying "Yes" because you feel pressured is a bad move.^{[9]
  X
  Research source} It's a common mistake to make, but you should take care to avoid it in the future.
2
Give a straightforward rejection.^{[10]
X
Research source} You can always just say "No." Unlike a friend approaching you, where you may care about his feelings, a stranger can be dismissed more easily. The best rejections are done in a few words or less.
- You can reject someone through body language as well. If you're in a loud environment like a club, you can simply shake your head. This should get the message across in most cases.
- Say something like: "I'm not interested." It's simple, gets the job done, and you're not going out of your way to help or hurt the other person.
3
Leave no room for interpretation.^{[11]
X
Research source} If someone asks you out, a more persistent sort may try to analyze what you've said and look for loopholes. That's why the best way to reject someone is to do it in as straightforward a way as possible.
- Giving false hope at the start increases the risk of getting a stalker later on.
4
Offer an excuse. If you're going to lie your way through a rejection, you need to make sure your excuse can't be called out.^{[12]
X
Research source} Whether any of it is true or not, saying you're already in a relationship keeps the other person from feeling personally hurt. This is a very common technique, but it should only be done if you don't think the other person will find out you're lying.
- Simply saying "I have a boyfriend/girlfriend" can save the other person from taking the rejection personally.
5
Resist the urge to apologize. Saying something as simple as "Sorry, I'm not interested" is perfectly okay, but apologizing can become a problem if you do too much of it.^{[13]
X
Research source} It ends up seeming like you're being condescending to the other person. Worse still, the apologies may seem like you're unsure whether you really want to reject him or not. No one likes hurting someone else, but apologizing isn't going to make anyone feel better, least of all the person you rejected.
6
Let the other person have the last word.^{[14]
X
Research source} If you're talking to a stranger, egos can come into play. Everyone wants to have the last word, and this can sometimes result in an argument. If you've rejected someone, there's a good chance he'll have something to say in response. Just listen to and accept what he has to say, and don't feel obligated to respond.
- This may be hard advice to accept for some people. If you're the kind of person that loves to have the last word, remind yourself that you only stand to lose from a prolonged confrontation with this person. You can benefit from keeping the rejection short. The shorter it is, the faster you'll be able to go back to enjoying your night.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Dealing with a Persistent Suitor

1
Get firm with your rejection. One of the biggest mistakes people make when rejecting someone is not being firm enough with their decision. If someone keeps asking you out, it is possible that you weren't absolute enough with your rejection and he thinks he still stands a chance. If need be, you should repeat that you do not want to date him. Don't mince words. Be very direct and leave no room for interpretation.
- Say something as simple and straightforward as "Sorry, I do not want to date you." Saying anything more risks losing track of the message.
- Make sure your body language is saying the same thing as your words. Non-verbal communication counts for a lot. If you're smiling suggestively while rejecting someone, he might take it as a subtle challenge to keep chasing you.
2
Ignore the person. If it gets to the point where you don't think the person is going to stop, the best thing you can do for the time being is to ignore him. The most you can do is tell someone you're simply not interested. If he continues to pursue you, cutting off contact and ignoring him will cut his incentive to keep talking to you. In some cases, someone will do just about anything to get his crush's attention. Most of the time however, people will begin to lose interest after a while. This is the best thing to do for both of your sakes.
- This includes stopping all online contact. Even if you're giving him space in person, it ultimately means nothing if you're still commenting on his social media posts. A persistent suitor will almost certainly try to get in touch with you online or via text message.
3
Involve your friends. Whether you're being pursued by someone known to them or a relative stranger, getting your friends involved can be a big help when a suitor isn't getting the message. Let some trusted friends in on the situation. Depending on the circumstances, they may be able to give you advice on how to deal with the specific person, or even help you deal with it actively. Regardless, you'll stand to gain some much-needed emotional support. It can be easy to lose sight of the fact that you have lots of people who care deeply about you. Don't be afraid to turn to them for help if someone is getting to you.
- It's even better if your friends are mutual friends with the person asking you out. Your friends can talk to that person directly, and hopefully they'll be able to convince him to cut his losses.
4
Contact an authority figure. Although bringing authorities (parents, teachers, the police etc.) into a personal matter can only be recommended for the absolute worst of cases, it is available for those who feel like a situation is getting progressively worse. If you've told the person you have no interest in ever dating him and he refuses to let up, it can eventually escalate to the point where your safety is at risk. If it gets to this point, don't hesitate to let someone know. If you truly feel like you're in danger, filing a complaint with the police will prevent things from getting any worse.
- Only take things to this point if you think you're in physical danger. Some people may take a rejection very seriously and threaten violence. If the person is simply texting you or being annoying, this isn't grounds to bring authorities into it.
- If you're of a school age, telling a teacher or the principal about the situation should be done before going to police.
- Restraining orders are available to those who feel like their safety is at risk. These should only be considered if the situation is horrible and it doesn't look like your stalker will ever stop. Restraining orders are to be taken seriously, and aren't available just for people who feel they're being bothered by someone.^{[15]
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  Research source}

Community Q&A
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Question

How do you reject a friend nicely?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

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I recommend letting them know that you are very flattered, but you don't want to ruin the friendship. Be sure to tell them that you really respect your friendship and don't want to change what you currently are.
Question

How can I reject someone when I am not interested in dating?

Christina Jay, NLP
Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach
Christina Jay is a Matchmaker and Certified Life Coach based in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Christina is the founder of Preferred Match (preferredmatch.ca), her matchmaking service that finds love for successful and elite individuals. She has over 10 years of coaching experience, earned her NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) certification through NLP Canada Training, and has a BA in Business Administration from Brock University.

Christina Jay, NLP

Matchmaker & Certified Life Coach

Expert Answer

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Thank the person for the gesture, but let them know that you're not open to dating right now. Tell them that you are working on yourself and gracefully refuse the date.

Warnings

Don't cave in and date someone if they try to intimidate you into a relationship. That's only a recipe for trouble. The relationship you'll be getting into will only be filled with more of the same.

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Only reject someone if you're sure you're not interested. If you change your mind after the fact, it's possible you won't get another chance to date them once you've said no to them.

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Some people will get very upset and angry if you reject them. In some cases, they may get loud or even violent. If this happens, there's little you can do except make sure you're safe.

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