How to Stop Picking Fights with My Boyfriend

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: June 5, 2022 References

All couples argue—it’s just a fact of life. But if you often find yourself wondering why you keep picking fights with the man you love, it might be time to do some self-reflection. Read through this article to learn why we pick little fights with our significant others and how, exactly, we can stop the cycle of conflict.

1

Identify your triggers.

You might notice that there are certain situations where you feel more on edge. This might be something your boyfriend is doing, or something completely random. Try to take note of those triggers, and recognize them when they happen. That way, you’ll know you aren’t actually mad at your boyfriend: you’re just feeling uneasy because of what’s happening around you.^{[1]
X
Research source}
- For example, if your boyfriend is chewing loudly or watching TV at a high volume, you might feel anxious or stressed and lash out.
- Or, if you’ve had a stressful day at work or you’re feeling bored, you might be more on edge.

2

Take some time to calm down if you feel angry.

Oftentimes, things seem like a huge deal in the moment. If you find yourself getting frustrated or upset at your boyfriend, take a few minutes to yourself. Head to the other room, take a few deep breaths, and try to quell your emotions. This can help you stop lashing out in the moment when your emotions are running high.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- You might want to say something to your boyfriend like, “Hey, I’m feeling a little flustered and I need to calm down. Just give me like 5 minutes.” That way, he knows you aren’t mad at him and that you’re just trying to take a timeout.

3

Pick and choose your battles.

Not everything needs to be a full-fledged fight with your BF. In long-term relationships, you might get annoyed or irritated at your partner for little things, and that’s okay. Before you bring something up or pick a fight, try to think about if it affects your relationship as a whole, or if you might be able to let it go.^{[3]
X
Research source}
- For instance, if you get irritated at your boyfriend for chewing loudly, you probably don’t need to start a fight with him about it. But, if you’re annoyed that your boyfriend is always late to events, it might be something you want to bring up.

4

Take your boyfriend’s words at face-value.

Try not to read into anything he says as being negative. When we’re in a relationship with someone, we often assign things to their words that they aren’t actually saying. Make sure you aren’t reading in between the lines to avoid assuming something that isn’t true.^{[4]
X
Research source}
- For example, if your boyfriend says, “I’m just really stressed with work right now,” he just means his job is tough. He doesn’t mean that he needs you to get a better-paying job to take the pressure off of him.
- If your boyfriend says, “I’m really tired,” he’s actually just tired. He doesn’t mean that you’re exhausting him or that he needs time away from you.

5

Choose your own words carefully.

If you say whatever comes to mind, you could offend your boyfriend. Instead of reacting to him with anger, take a pause, and try to think about what you’re saying before you say it. You can use the time to edit or change what you were going to say in order to avoid picking a fight.^{[5]
X
Research source}
- For example, maybe you were about to say, “The house is a mess. Why didn’t you clean up?” Instead, take a breath and think. Then, revise your sentence to something like, “Hey honey, it’s getting kind of messy in here. Could we work together to clean up a little before we relax?”
- Or, maybe you were about to say, “You never pay attention to me. You’re always on your phone.” Take a moment to think, then say, “Could we turn off our phones and have some quality time together? I miss you, and I’d love to reconnect.”

6

Keep your voice low and your tone level.

Raising your voice is a quick way to start a fight. When you and your boyfriend are talking, keep your voice neutral, and stick to using a normal talking level. If you find yourself wanting to get loud or yell, take a few deep breaths until you can calm down again.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- Try to remember that yelling rarely ever helps solve issues. Instead, it will probably make your boyfriend feel bad, and he might get defensive.

7

Dive deeper into the real issue.

Sometimes, we pick little fights to avoid talking about actual issues. If you find yourself constantly annoyed with your boyfriend, sit down and think about why that might be. Are you unhappy in the relationship? Are you not getting your needs met? Once you figure out why you’re feeling irritable, you can address the root of the problem with your boyfriend to work things out.^{[7]
X
Research source}
- You might be feeling irritable about other things in your life, too. Maybe work is really stressful, or you’re struggling to juggle all your responsibilities. If that’s the case, talk to your boyfriend about it and work together to find a solution.

8

Make a plan for bringing up problems.

If you prepare ahead of time, you can have a more productive conversation. There are definitely going to be things that you need to discuss with your boyfriend, and they might not always be pleasant. You can make the conversation go smoothly by having a plan: what you’re going to say, when you’re going to say it, and how you’ll phrase it.^{[8]
X
Research source}
- Let’s say your boyfriend has been slacking about doing the dishes. Instead of bringing it up in the moment, which might start a huge fight, make a plan. You might wait for a quiet evening when you’re both relaxed, and then bring up chore delineation and how you feel like you’re doing more than your fair share.

9

Choose a quiet, stress-free time to talk.

Small issues can blow up into big ones if you’re both feeling frazzled. When you approach your boyfriend with an issue, make sure there’s nothing else going on, and try to gauge both of your moods. If you’re already stressed or angry, there’s a good chance that the conversation isn’t going to go well.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- You’ll probably want to talk about relationship issues in private, too. That way, you can both speak freely without being overheard.

10

Focus on the positives about your boyfriend.

Keep your love for him in the forefront of your mind. When you’re angry, it’s easy to only think about the things that irritate you about your BF. Instead, try to focus on the positive, and remember that you love your boyfriend.^{[10]
X
Research source}
- You could even make a list of his positive qualities to look back on when you’re feeling mad. For instance, maybe he’s kind, supportive, and always cheers you up when you’re having a bad day.

11

Make sure you’re both on the same team.

Remember that it’s both of you against the issue, not you against him. Try presenting your issues as problems for the both of you to tackle. If you can do that, you’ll have a much more productive conversation, and your boyfriend probably won’t feel as defensive when you talk to him about things.^{[11]
X
Research source}
- For instance, instead of saying something like, “You’re always late to everything,” try, “Is there a way we can both work on our time management skills? I know that being punctual is important to both of us, so let’s come up with a few solutions.”

12

Use “I” statements to bring up problems.

This will make your boyfriend feel less defensive. Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, describe the problem, and then state how it makes you feel. When he hears about your emotions, he might be more open to working with you on a solution.^{[12]
X
Research source}^{[13]
X
Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- For example, instead of saying, “You never make time for me,” try, “When you don’t reach out to make plans with me, I feel under-valued.”
- Or, instead of saying, “You always leave without telling me where you’re going,” try, “When I can’t get ahold of you for an entire night, I feel worried and anxious.”

13

Listen to your boyfriend when he talks.

Hear his side of the story, and ask follow-up questions for clarification. When you’re figuring out issues together, it’s important to let your boyfriend talk, too. Even if you don’t agree with what he’s saying, it’s better to get everything out in the open so you can work together to find a solution.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- If you don’t quite understand what he’s saying, ask something like, “I don’t think I understand. Could you explain a little more?”
- Or, try rephrasing his words to make sure you get it. Say something like, “So what you’re saying is…”

Community Q&A

Question

What do you say when your partner is upset?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Focus your language on yourself, rather than your partner. Instead of saying "You look irritated when you do that," say something like, "I'm sensing that you're irritated. Is everything okay?"