How to Stop a Break Up

Co-authored by Cher Gopman

Last Updated: July 10, 2020 References

Are there road bumps ahead? Some relationships need to end, but if your's is worth saving you can start making changes right now to salvage things. No matter what stage in the relationship you're at, you can learn to manage problems before they arise, make the necessary changes, and deal with a break-up when and if it comes.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Managing Your Problems

1
Look for problems before they arise. Worried your relationship might be heading down a bad path? The best way to stop a break-up from happening is resolving issues before they start. Strong feelings of attraction and love can blind you to a relationship's quirks and faults in the early days and weeks. After a couple months, those faults can become bigger problems.
- Try going on a trip together, or spending a weekend together when you're ready. Couples who can manage that much time together will eventually see the other at their worst. If there are potential problems, you'll find them.
- If something bothers you about your partner, be honest about it in the early days. Be clear and explicit about things. Say, "I'm worried that your drinking is going to be a problem. Can we talk about it?"
- If your partner keeps picking on something that you do, decide if you'll be able to change, or if your relationship will suffer as a result of it. Don't expect your partner to suddenly drop the issue.
2
Define your "deal breakers" early in a relationship.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} What's something that you're unwilling to sacrifice for the sake of a relationship, if you had to? What's something that you're unwilling to change? What's something that would cause you to break-up with someone? These kinds of deal-breakers help couples be a little more open and honest about potential problems in a relationship.
- Some deal breakers can be small, silly things, like, "I'd never stay with someone who hated Tom Petty," but think of some more serious ones as well. Think about substance abuse, career goals, and long-term interests as well.
- Have your partner name their deal-breakers as well. Maybe you like to party on the weekends, and your partner likes to spend quiet nights in. That might not seem like a big deal right now, but if it leads to fights three months from now, it's going to be a problem unless you talk about it.
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3
Decide how you'll manage infidelity. If one of you cheated, the problems your relationship faces are potentially serious. While cheating depends on a wide variety of issues, it's important to try to come up with your own personal plan and code before cheating comes up in your relationship.
- If you find out your partner cheated on you, does that mean the relationship must automatically end? Under what circumstances might it continue? If your partner apologizes? If you're apart for a while?
- If you've cheated on your partner, decide how much you value an honest and open relationship. If you respect your partner, tell them, apologize, and deal with the consequences. If you don't want to ruin a good thing, practiced safe sex, and plan on staying true into the future, consider keeping it to yourself.
4
Decide how you'll manage distance. If you love someone, it can be tough to know what to do when they tell you they're moving abroad for the next six months. Try to stick it out via Skype? End any relationship, even a good one, just because you can't be together on Friday night?
- There's no easy way to answer these questions. It will always depend on you and your partner. It's also important to find out about how your partner feels about these issues, before you go looking for jobs somewhere else.
- Lots of high school couples deal with this when you move away to college. It's very difficult to start college with a long-distance relationship. Make sure you discuss this with your partner as soon as possible.
5
Stay calm if the subject of breaking up comes up. If your partner just used the phrase "break up," or discussed it as a possibility, the worst thing you can do is make a scene and fall apart. Even if you'd like to keep dating this person, try to remain as calm as possible.
- Say something like "Well, that catches me off guard. I need some time to think about this." Be apart for a while, and let the other person see that your life won't end without them.
- If you need to vent and fall apart with a friend or sibling, get that out of the way as soon as possible in private. But don't let that stop you from getting on with your life.
- The last thing you want is to start moping and look miserable. If anything, you want to show the opposite and make them want to get back together with you. Make them want you.
6
Take some time to decide what you want. Give yourself a chance to think about what's going on and regroup. What issues came up during the fight, or the conversation? What problem are you having with your partner? Is it something you'll be able to change? Is it something you want to change? ^{[2]
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- Are you actually happy in this relationship? If you're having problems, might it be more worth it to be with someone else for a while?
- If you just had a fight, try to dig a little deeper. What was the issue underlying the fight? If you just had a little argument over the dishes, was something bigger going on? What's actually bothering you and your partner?

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Talking it Out

1
Spend some time alone. If you're having relationship problems, maybe it's a good idea to take a little break. Let your partner know that you care about them, but that you want to think about your relationship for a while.
- People respect strength and self-control. If you exhibit these traits, and maintain a calm, composed and mature demeanour in the face of relationship problems, they really will think twice about leaving you.
2
Get in touch after some time has passed. Wait a little while to let both of you cool off and collect yourself before you get in touch again. Depending on your relationship, anywhere from a few hours to a few days might be appropriate for this cooling off period.
- If you've just had a big fight, give it a night or two for both of you to cool down. Try to talk when you've both had a chance to be alone and think.^{[3]
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- There's no sure thing, or amount of time. Some couples break up for years before getting back together.
3
Make time to have a serious and open conversation. You don't want to have a serious "state of the relationship" talk when you're half-watching a football game at home with your roommates sitting around. Meet somewhere quiet, so you can have a long conversation and get things out in the open. ^{[4]
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- Rom-coms can give you some bad ideas. Never just show up at your ex's house and demand to talk if you've been having problems. This is a sure way to make sure that your relationship ends and the cops get called. There's no excuse for this aggressive behavior.
4
Talk about the problems your relationship faces.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} After some time, it's common that both of you will feel softened somewhat to the problems that brought you here. It's important to take some time to talk about your problems though. Don't just jump back into each other's arms, even if you both feel like it, without having a serious talk about the issues facing your relationship.
- Even good relationships have problems. Some of the problems might be conditional. If you live in separate places, or if one of you has a job that takes up all your free time, it might make the relationship too challenging to continue, even if you both like each other.
5
Give your partner an opportunity to talk freely. Often, communication issues are some of the biggest problems in a relationship. It's important for both people to feel like they've had an opportunity to speak and be heard. Tell your partner that you want to listen to what they have to say, and then let them talk. ^{[6]
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- Don't just launch into begging. Your partner shouldn't just want to stay because you say you're sad, or because you're asking. Give them a reason to want you. The only way you can show them is by listening first.
6
Really listen to what they have to say.^{[7]
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Expert Source

Cher Gopman
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 17 May 2019.} How is your partner feeling about your relationship? Try to see things from their perspective, and understand how they must be feeling. Understand your own role in these feelings, and try to figure out what you might be able to change, if possible.
- Don't expect that you know what your partner is going to say. You might be surprised to hear the truth.
- Don't argue or interrupt. You need to give your partner a chance to talk. Just listen and try to understand what they are saying.
7
Be as honest as possible. When it's your turn to talk, it's important to open up and be as honest as possible. If your partner is angry with you about things that you have no intention of changing, it's not the time to lie and say that you'll change immediately. Really think about it.
- Are you withholding things from your partner? Try opening up as much as possible. Share more of yourself. Get a little closer.
- Use "I" statements, instead of blaming them for your problems. Ultimately, every relationship involves two people. If you're having problems, it's not one person's "fault." It's a problem for both of you.
8
Only apologize if you're actually sorry. If the first and last things out of your mouth are "Sorry," this can be a good way to end a fight that might result in a break-up, but it can also be manipulative and dishonest. Only apologize if you're actually feeling remorse. Only apologize if you have an intention of changing. Only apologize if it matters.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Making Changes

1
Make a few small changes to show that you've grown. You don't need to become a different person to save your relationship. Your partner didn't date some perfect version of you, they chose to date you. You don't have to be perfect. But you do have to show that you're willing to be the best version of yourself possible. ^{[8]
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- Before you decide to stay together, show your partner that you've made some change already. If your partner hated your cigarettes, show them that you've made an appointment to talk with your doctor. Do it now, not later.
- Promises to change are empty promises. If you want to stay together, you need to make those changes. Now.
2
Look like you're happy. The best way convince someone to want to stay with you? Look like a person who they should want to be with. If you're thinking of moping around and being depressed, think twice. You want to give your partner the impression that they were lucky to be with you in the first place, and that they'll be lucky if you decide to take them back, even if they're the one was thinking of leaving.
- Do you have a few pounds to lose or could your muscles use more toning? Use this time away from dating to diet and go to the gym.
- What about trying a new color or highlights in your hair, or a new style? A stylist will help you pick something trendy and suitable for you.
3
Work on yourself. Sometimes, relationship road-bumps can be a great chance to reflect and make some much-needed changes in your own life. Were you seeing things in the mirror that you didn't want to see? Were you acting like the person you really want to be? Even if you want to stay together, use the opportunity to make some changes that you want to make.
- Maybe you need to be more outgoing, communicative, or try to get in shape. Decide what about your personality might be able to change for the better.
- Sometimes, work and ambition can be a big part of relationship problems. Are you feeling adrift? Start looking for jobs, or researching schools to attend. Get active.
4
Talk about your relationship regularly. The biggest and most helpful change to make in a relationship is to be more open and communicative with your partner. Have regular talks, in which you sit down and have long conversations about your relationship. Spend time together doing meaningful things, not just watching TV.
- If something bothers you, talk about it when it comes up. Don't wait until weeks later, when it's been festering to bring it up. Talk about it now.
- Make more of an effort to go out and spend time together. Give yourself a chance to actually be in the relationship you're in.
5
Cut a few bad habits from your life. Fights and rough patches can be a good time to make positive changes in your life style and get a little healthier. Been partying a little too hard? Try cutting back on the drinking and other substances, if you want to re-attract your lost love. Find ways to get back in shape and clean up your act.
6
Let bad relationships end. If this is your first relationship, it can seem like you'll never be in another one, or you'll never find another person who'll want to be with you. You'll feel these feelings again, with someone else. Focus your energy on forming new relationships and meeting new people, not staying in a relationship that's clearly not working.
- Never try to manipulate or force someone to be with you if they don't want to be. While there is nothing wrong with suggesting relationship counseling, or trying to "sticking it out," there's a point at which it's too late, and you're both better off ending the relationship.
- Lots of times "taking a break" or "seeing other people" is used as a stage of a break-up. try to avoid this if possible. If your relationship is over, make sure both people actually believe it's over, and one person isn't being strung along.

Warnings

Never attempt to manipulate someone into staying with you if they're unhappy. If your partner wants to leave your relationship, the relationship is over.

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