How to Support a Partner with Low Self-Esteem

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Krysten Jackson

Last Updated: October 25, 2022 References

When you love someone with low self-esteem, you want to help them recognize the wonderful qualities you see in them. Although healing from low self-esteem is personal for your partner, you can still support them through their journey. With care, patience, and authenticity, you can help your partner start to feel better. Read on for the best tips for supporting someone with low self-esteem.

Things You Should Know

Compliment and share your positive memories of your partner. Your perspective can help change theirs for the better.
Try doing activities together, like volunteering or spending time outdoors. Let your partner know you enjoy being around them through your actions.
Be careful not to shy away from uncomfortable conversations or ignore your own boundaries. Keep your relationship healthy with open communication.

1

Give genuine compliments.

Offer praise for your partner’s skills, creativity, or intelligence. Low self-esteem goes hand-in-hand with self-doubt. Complimenting your partner can do more than just put a smile on their face. Specific praise will not only help with their confidence, but also show how much you care for noticing those details.^{[1]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
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- Limit appearance-based compliments. While saying “You look nice today” can offer a short-term confidence boost, only complimenting a person’s appearance can feel shallow.
- Compliments can sometimes be difficult to accept. Suddenly heaping on praise can feel overwhelming and inauthentic, especially if your partner is not used to that. Keep your partner’s comfort in mind as you offer compliments.

2

Point out their positive characteristics.

Gently challenge their worldview with your perspective. Low self-esteem can cause your partner to view themself as all bad, awkward, or embarrassing. As their partner, however, you can point out their positive characteristics and what makes them lovable to you.^{[2]
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National Health Service (UK)
Public healthcare system of the UK
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- If your partner feels they always mess things up, you can share times where they’ve helped you or others.
- Your partner may feel people dislike them after a social interaction, and you know this is not the case. Share your own experience of the event to help shift your partner’s perspective to a more positive outlook.

3

Let them know you value them.

Verbally affirm how you feel about them. Counter your partner's harsh inner critic by expressing how important they are to you. Not just in how they are useful, but how they make you feel and why you chose them as your partner. Hearing the praise can be reaffirming and provide a sense of belonging.^{[3]
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- ”I admire how quick-thinking you are.”
- ”I appreciate how good you are with children.”
- ”You get so passionate when talking about your interests, and I love that about you.”

4

Spend time with your partner.

Show them how much they matter to you with some quality time. Picking an activity you both love will show your partner you like being with them and challenge any feelings of unwantedness. Slowing down to be together can help you both feel better.^{[4]
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- Pop on your favorite movies or get cozy while solving a puzzle together.
- Relax in each other's presence while you watch a sunset or look at the stars.

5

Set goals together.

Work on a project as a team. Your partner may struggle to feel accomplished or skillful. Gradually reaching a goal will be proof of the opposite. For example, you two can start saving for a vacation. Watching your savings grow, buying tickets, and reaching your destination will all be evidence of your hard work.^{[5]
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- Try starting a garden.
- Redecorate your home.
- Learn a new hobby, such as knitting, pottery, or playing an instrument.

6

Volunteer together.

Offer your time and skills to help out around your community. By working with a group to do some collective good, your partner will be able to get outside of their head and focus on a noble task. Plus, volunteering can be social and a lot of fun, which will put a damper on feelings of isolation.^{[6]
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- Try your hand at the soup kitchen or building houses for underprivileged families. Even if the two of you aren’t particularly handy, you will learn helpful DIY skills while serving your community.
- Animal lovers can check with their local shelter for volunteer opportunities. Many shelters could use help walking dogs, fostering pets, or manning booths at adoption events.
- Tech savvy? Volunteer to help the elderly learn new computer skills.

7

Validate your partner’s feelings.

Shrugging off your partner’s concerns can really hurt. While you may think a comment like “It could be worse” will stop your partner from dwelling on the negative, you may unintentionally signal a lack of care. If your partner comes to you with a concern, acknowledge their feelings and offer your support.^{[7]
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- Sometimes the care they need may not involve words. They may just want a shoulder to lean on, a kind ear, and maybe a little commiseration.
- Similarly, try to resist fixing your partner’s problem. Although you may think of some helpful solutions, hold off on making assumptions before you know the scope of your partner’s needs. In fact, they might already have a solution and are just looking to vent.

8

Be patient.

Recovering from low self-esteem is a process. Feeling “less-than” or like a burden is a common symptom of low self-esteem. The ups and downs of recovery may seem exhausting, but remember to be patient. Your partner needs time as much as care to heal, and your kindness will be reassuring if they fall.^{[8]
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9

Don’t walk on eggshells.

Be open when expressing your problems with your partner. Minding your words is important when speaking in general. However, feeling like you can’t talk about an issue, no matter how minor, can be a problem.^{[9]
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- Overcoming small disagreements before they become major problems will help your relationship in the long run.

10

Set boundaries.

Don’t forget to mind your own feelings while helping. Although you can be a big help, you will not be able to heal your partner’s low self-esteem on your own. Plus, you may have your own concerns that need addressing. Don’t be afraid to set healthy boundaries. Speaking up for yourself will be good for both of you.^{[10]
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- Let your partner know when you need to spend time alone or with other friends.
- Encourage your partner to get professional help.
- You can support your partner, but you must also recognize that there's only so much that you can do for them. Know your limits and your boundaries.