How to Understand Men

Co-authored by Allen Wagner, MFT, MA and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: January 25, 2021 References

Ever heard the saying "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus?" Even if you haven't, you might be feeling like you and the guys you know are on completely different planets. Not understanding your partner, in particular, can be exhausting, and it can lead to a lot of emotional turmoil, too. While every man is different, there are a few things you can keep in mind as you strive to understand the men in your life and strengthen your relationships.

Method 1

Method 1 of 10:

A guy might mask his true feelings with anger.

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Men will sometimes convert more “feminine” emotions into anger or rage. In reality, he may be feeling sad, vulnerable, or even embarrassed, but he doesn’t know how to say it. If you notice that he’s always angry, try asking about his stress levels or how he’s feeling.^{[1]
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- Anger is the one emotion that is socially “acceptable” for men to feel. Men often feel like if they express anything else, they’ll be seen as “girly” or “not manly enough.”
- Most men don’t mask their emotions on purpose; rather, they’ve learned to do it through societal pressures and expectations.

Method 2

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Men often struggle to talk about their feelings.

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This can lead to frustrating conversations. However, men are usually taught not to talk about their emotions, so bonding through words can be tough for them. Instead, they might like to have conversations with a clear-cut purpose or problem to solve.^{[2]
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- For example, if you’re having a conversation about your relationship, your partner might have trouble expressing what you mean to him. This can be hard to hear, but it’s probably because he’s not used to talking about his feelings.
- Your partner may express his feelings in other ways, though. If he brings you flowers or cooks you your favorite dinner, he might be trying to express his love for you without saying it directly.
EXPERT TIP

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist
Allen Wagner is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles, California. He received his Master's in Psychology from Pepperdine University in 2004. He specializes in working with individuals and couples on ways they can improve their relationships. Along with his wife, Talia Wagner, he's the author of Married Roommates.

Allen Wagner, MFT, MA
Marriage & Family Therapist

Encourage your partner when you see them making an effort to communicate. Marriage and family therapist Allen Wagner says: "If a person is trying something new, like giving you compliments, and you stop them at the beginning because it's a level 2 compliment and you're expecting a 10, it will never be a 10. It will just go back to zero. However, if you nurture it, and say something like, 'Thank you so much for saying that,' they'll feel good about it and will be more inclined to try it again."

Method 3

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Dealing with his emotions can be hard.

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Most men haven’t had the chance to work through their feelings. He may find it easier to write down his thoughts and feelings and show them to you or send them in a text. If he has a super tough time identifying his emotions, a mental health professional can be helpful.^{[3]
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Mind
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- Mindfulness practices, like meditation and yoga, can help him work through his emotions in a healthy way. You could try doing these activities together so he doesn’t feel alone.
- If you two are struggling to communicate about your emotions, try holding a weekly check-in where you talk about any issues in the relationship.
- This also means that he might need more time to process his emotions. If he says he needs space or to give him time, you should respect his wishes.

Method 4

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Men may withdraw when they feel tough emotions.

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Negative emotions, like sadness, anger, and pain, can be hard to process. Some men will withdraw from their friends and family members instead of talking about what they’re feeling. If you notice this, you can try to talk with him about what’s going on, but he may need some time to work through everything on his own.^{[4]
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- This could look like him taking longer hours at work, drinking more alcohol, spending more time away from home, or behaving recklessly.
- The best thing to do is to let him know that you’re here to talk whenever he’s ready. If you try to force him to open up to you, he could withdraw even further.
- This is especially common after an emotional ordeal, like the loss of a loved one.

Method 5

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They may express their emotions about “manly” things.

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You might see men get excited about sports or video games. This is because society has told men that getting happy and giddy about baseball or basketball is okay. You might even see him hug his friends or give them high-fives, when normally he’s more reserved. This is all normal!^{[5]
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- It’s great for men to have an outlet to express their feelings, especially positive ones. You should try to encourage him to be excited and happy whenever he can be.
- If you want to join in, you should! Try watching his sports team play their rival or learn how to play a two-player video game together.

Method 6

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Many men have trouble asking for help.

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You may have to offer to help before they ask. This includes doing chores, looking for lost items, or even scheduling doctor appointments. If you notice that he’s struggling, try offering assistance if you can.^{[6]
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- Try saying something like, “Hey, do you need help looking for your keys? I think I saw them on the table yesterday.” Or, “Did you get a chance to call your doctor? I can find the phone number for you if you need it.”
- Men may also find it hard to accept your help, even if they really need it. You can continue to offer your assistance gently but firmly so they know that you’re here if you need them.

Method 7

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He might try to solve all of your problems.

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Since this is expected from a lot of men, he might think you expect it, too. This can be frustrating when you’re just trying to vent about a bad day or an annoying co-worker, so you should be clear and tell him exactly what you want before you start talking.^{[7]
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- For example, you could say, “I’m gonna tell you a story now, but I don’t need advice. I just need to talk it through with someone.”
- Trying to solve everyone’s problems can be exhausting, so it’s not good for him, either!

Method 8

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Most guys don't think about sex all the time.

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This is a myth that has roots in toxic masculinity. Of course, every man is different, but you shouldn’t assume that all the men you know are constantly trying to sleep with you (or anyone else).^{[8]
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- While it is true that men statistically have higher sex drives than women, it’s not a guarantee across the board. Every man is different, and your partner’s libido could be higher than yours, lower than yours, or about the same.
- Stress, mental health issues, and being tired can all lower a man’s libido, too.

Method 9

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Younger men might not be ready to commit to a relationship.

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This could be because he isn’t ready to feel vulnerable yet. While commitment issues aren’t true of every man, they are more common in younger men. He may need more time to mature and come to terms with his emotional vulnerability.^{[9]
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- Commitment issues can be frustrating, especially if you’re the one he won’t commit to. If you’re looking for a serious relationship and he isn’t, it may be time to move on to someone else.
- Older men can have commitment issues too, it’s just less common.

Method 10

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Traditionally, men weren’t expected to help with chores.

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This is changing now, but some men may need more reminders. If you find yourself taking on more of the chores at home, sit down with your partner and let him know how you can split up the household responsibilities fairly.^{[10]
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Harvard Business Review
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- He should also help you with the “mental load,” like remembering special occasions, tracking family needs, and making shopping lists.
- This is a great way to avoid resentment in the future.