How to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship (15 Meaningful Activities for Couples)

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Kira Jan

Last Updated: November 29, 2022 References

When you’ve gone through a rough patch with your partner, it might feel hard to remember the connection that originally drew you to that person. Fortunately, rebuilding trust through vulnerability, honesty, and meaningful communication can help you and your relationship move to a healthier place.

Here are 15 activities that will help rebuild trust between you and your partner.

This article is based on an interview with our relationship expert, Kelli Miller, licensed pyschotherapist and award-winning author. Check out the full interview here.

1

Try a 20-minute cuddle session.

Ask your partner about their boundaries before you touch them. Find out what type of touch makes them feel most comfortable. Cuddling, hugging, kissing, or having sex with your partner releases oxytocin.^{[1]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source} When your brain and your partner’s brain release oxytocin, your feelings of trust and bonding are scientifically proven to get a boost.^{[2]
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Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source}

2

Spend 3 minutes looking into each other’s eyes.

Build empathy and connection through this exercise. Sit somewhere comfortable and let your eyes and face relax for a “soft gaze” as you look at your partner. Set a timer for 3 minutes, or start with 30 seconds of eye contact if the exercise feels too intense. Stay focused on your partner’s eyes and try not to dwell on any one thought.^{[3]
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- Studies show that eye contract triggers the limbic mirror system in our brains, which allows us to better understand other people’s emotions and actions.^{[4]
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3

Practice mindful breathing together.

Ease tension with this 20-30 minute activity. Find someplace comfortable to sit across from each other (in a chair or on the floor), straighten your backs, and close your eyes. For the first 10 minutes of the exercise, just close your eyes and focus on your own breathing to gain awareness of your body. Then, open your eyes (and have your partner open their eyes as well). Watch each other’s bellies and shoulders to become aware of the rise and fall of the other person’s breathing.^{[5]
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- Don’t force your breathing to synchronize, buy enjoy the feeling of connection if it happens naturally.

4

Write gratitude letters to each other.

Set a timer for 15 minutes. Use that time to write a letter to your partner about why you love them and what makes you grateful for them in the relationship. Research shows that expressing gratitude makes you happier and makes the recipient feel more positively, too. When the timer goes off, read your letters aloud to each other or exchange letters to read silently.^{[6]
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Trustworthy Source
Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living
Go to source}
- Write about your partner’s personality traits: “You have an incredible sense of humor, and your positivity makes every day better.”
- Tell your partner why you’re proud of them: “I’m so proud of how hard you work and how dedicated you are to your clients.”
- Describe a way in which your partner inspires you: “When I see you being kind to random strangers, it makes me want to become a better person.”

5

Guide each other through an obstacle course.

Rearrange tables, chairs, and other furniture. Blindfold your partner and verbally guide them through the maze to practice relying on each other’s communication. This activity allows you to practice listening to each other and looking out for one another.^{[7]
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- Give your partner directions like, “Take three steps to your right,” or “Turn to the left.”

6

Take turns revealing a secret.

Tell your partner something you haven’t told them before. Be vulnerable with your partner (and let them do the same by withholding judgement). That way, you give each other opportunities to rebuild the confidence that you can emotionally rely on each other. Alternate who speaks, and tell each other about past stories, facts about yourself, or emotions you haven’t previously expressed.^{[8]
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- You can even take turns letting each other speak for five minutes uninterrupted.
- Only share information that you feel safe sharing. You shouldn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable and neither should your partner.

7

Swap phones and passwords to practice transparency.

Over-communicate with your partner. Let your partner know where you’re going and when you’re coming back. You can even offer to share passwords and give your partner access to your electronics. However, only use this strategy in the short-term to rebuild trust by demonstrating to your partner that you’re not engaging in any activities that could result in another breach of confidence.^{[9]
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- As you gain more trust, the two of you will move towards being able to go out without checking in.^{[10]
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- If your partner is using your transparency to shame, control, or hurt you, do not use this strategy.

8

Schedule weekly date nights.

Plan time for romance to boost connection and desire. By spending dedicated time together, you can rekindle your love for each other and build a strong partnership. Set aside time for date nights at least once every other week.^{[11]
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- Go out for a meal together, or cook a meal together and go on a picnic.
- Take a bike ride together, walk through a park, or visit a museum.
- Limit your technology use. While watching TV together can be relaxing, you won’t be as actively engaged with one another.

9

Try a new hobby or healthy habit together.

Stepping outside your comfort zone will strengthen your bond. Whether you choose to go skydiving or try eat healthier, when you both take a risk, you can learn and grow together. Mutually challenging activities build trust because you’ll have to help each other through unfamiliar scenarios, and you’ll get to create new memories that aren’t filled with a history of hurt or mistrust.^{[12]
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- Try to pick up a new hobby or sport that you’ll both enjoy.
- Read a thought-provoking book or attend an artsy movie together.
- Sit together through a guided meditation practice.

10

Create a plan to avoid future breaches of trust.

Work with your partner to set expectations. Maybe the person who betrayed the relationship’s trust will commit to avoiding certain situations or people in the future. Maybe you’ll schedule specific times to discuss your concerns about issues in the relationship. No matter your solution, you should both commit to the plan but stay flexible and willing to modify your expectations in the future.^{[13]
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- Once you have a plan, if your partner is sticking to it, be sure to acknowledge their effort by saying something like, “I really appreciate that you’re sending me a message when you’re going to be working late.”

11

Discuss the breach of trust.

Ask about or explain the motives behind what happened. By directly asking the partner who violated trust about the situation, and by allowing them to explain clearly, you two won’t create false or imaginary scenarios in your heads.^{[14]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Even though it may hurt in the moment, understanding the reasons behind the issue will free you from having to speculate or play detective.^{[15]
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- Ask a simple question like, “Can you explain to me why this happened?”
- If you broke the trust, state your motives simply, “I’ve been feeling disconnected in our relationship.”
- Describe your actions truthfully, “I was flirting with that man from work over text, and I met up with him once. We’ve cut all communication now.”
- Don’t be afraid to ask more questions if you don’t understand or want clarification. For instance, if your partner cheated on you, you can ask, “Is the affair over?”^{[16]
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Expert Answer

Q

Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

EXPERT ADVICE

Answer from Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW:

Definitely! Just keep in mind that it takes time to heal and recover after an infidelity. The partner who has been cheated on feels extremely vulnerable, and they'll be going through different grief cycles as they process what's happening. Still, healing can happen if both partners use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow from what happened.

12

Apologize or accept an apology.

Acknowledge what went wrong and take responsibility. Let your partner know that you understand how you hurt them.^{[17]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source} Say that you’re sorry, acknowledge how the other person feels as a result of your actions, and tell the other person you won’t do that action again. Finally, offer to make amends for your actions.^{[18]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Business Review
Online and print journal covering topics related to business management practices
Go to source} If you’re on the receiving end of an apology, offer forgiveness when you feel emotionally ready to move on.
- Start your apology clearly and without caveats: “I’m so sorry I was unfaithful.”
- Acknowledge the damage you’ve done: “I recognize that I hurt you and put our relationship in jeopardy.”
- Make a commitment not to do the action again: “I won’t talk to Simon anymore, and I promise not to cheat on you ever again.”
- Offer to fix the issue (if you can) or move forward: “Let’s talk about how we can move forward.”

13

Stick to your commitments.

Rebuild trust by showing your partner you mean what you say. When you or your partner fail to follow through on commitments or actions, the other person adapts to expect less and trust less.^{[19]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Therefore, in order to re-build trust in a relationship, you have to stick to your promises.^{[20]
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- If you promise to show up at a certain time or to a particular event, show up. If you’re running late or can’t make it, communicate the issue ahead of time, if possible.
- If you can’t fulfill a request from your partner, be honest and explain why you can’t fulfill the request. For instance, you could say, “I’m sorry, I really can’t pick you up after work because I have to give a presentation for work.”
- Keep in mind that rebuilding trust takes time—you have to be patient and stay committed to each other throughout the process.^{[21]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

14

Shift your mindset from blame to teamwork.

Reframe the breach of trust as a problem you two will solve together. Even if one partner was unfaithful or betrayed trust in another significant way, approach the issue as a shared problem. It can feel really emotionally hard to let go of blame, but working with your partner instead of against them helps you construct a healthier relationship.^{[22]
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- Instead of thinking “you did this to me” reframe the situation as “we went through this crisis together.”

15

Attend couples therapy.

A counselor can help you identify issues and mediate conflict. Going to a couples therapist isn’t a sign of your relationship’s weakness, but instead, it’s a sign you’re taking steps to problem-solve together. Use a counselor to gain further insights about why the breach of trust occurred and find unexpected ways to strengthen your relationship.^{[23]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}^{[24]
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Trustworthy Source
Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals
Go to source}
- Search the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) online directory in order to find a licensed therapist near you.^{[25]
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- Check your insurance company’s list of preferred providers to find someone under your insurance.^{[26]
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- Call a local mental health clinic and ask if they can give you contact information for a couples therapist.

Community Q&A

Question

How do you build trust back in a relationship after lying and cheating?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Communication is key! You need to vocalize exactly how you're feeling after the breach of trust—that you're hurt, sad, and angry. If you have questions about why the infidelity occurred, feel free to ask your partner directly. As tough as the situation may be, it can actually be a really nice opening for a deeper and more connected relationship.