How to Act Like a Girlfriend and Not a Wife

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: November 30, 2022 References

When you’re in a relationship with someone amazing, you’re probably striving to be the best partner you can be. However, being too involved in your partner’s life before you’re married can actually backfire, especially if it’s a relatively new relationship. In this article, we’ll tell you how you can act more like a girlfriend and less like a wife (at least until your partner puts a ring on your finger).

1

Love yourself first.

When you love yourself, you’re more likely to put yourself first. Build your self-esteem by doing things that make you feel good, and remember how much you are worth. Come into the relationship knowing how awesome you are to avoid giving yourself away to your partner.^{[1]
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- To build your self-esteem, try keeping a journal of your thoughts or repeating a mantra to yourself daily, like, “I am worthy, I am lovable, I am strong.”

2

Set physical boundaries for yourself.

Don’t feel obligated to have sex if you aren't ready for it. Some people find that saving sex for marriage is a good way to mark the change in their relationship. For other people, having sex before marriage is a way to test compatibility.^{[2]
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Research source} Decide whether or not you’d like to have sex with your partner, then sit them down and talk about how far you’re willing to go.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you’d like to save sex until marriage, say something like, “Sex is a really important part of any relationship, and it’s a big commitment. I’d like to wait until we’re married to cross that threshold.”
- Or, you might decide to wait until you’re in a serious, committed relationship before having sex. If that’s the case, try something like, “I really like you, and I’d like to see where this goes. I’d also like to wait until we’re exclusive to have sex, because that would make me feel more comfortable.”

3

Keep some details about your life to yourself.

A little mystery can keep the spark alive in a relationship. Although it can feel natural to open yourself up 100% to your partner, you might actually be giving too much of yourself away too fast. Try to take things slow emotionally so you both have time to work up to a loving, powerful relationship.^{[4]
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- For instance, instead of giving a detailed history of your past, you might say, “I’ve worked on myself a lot, and I really like who I am today.”

4

Let your partner cook and clean on their own.

You can help out sometimes, but don’t do everything for them. Many women fall into the trap of taking care of their partners too much—cooking, cleaning, and helping out are fine sometimes, but if you do them all the time, your partner might come to expect them.^{[5]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} When you’re just dating someone, don’t act like their caretaker. Remember that they were able to function without you before you came along, and they’ll be able to take care of themselves now, too.^{[6]
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- If you and your partner live together, be sure to talk about how you’re going to split the chores and household responsibilities. Otherwise, you might end up taking on more than your fair share.

5

Treat your needs equally.

Try not to put your partner’s needs above your own. You’re both equal in this relationship, and you should both be priorities to each other. When you make decisions, no matter how small they are, be sure to keep yourself in mind, too.^{[7]
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- For instance, if you’re a vegetarian and your partner isn’t, skip the steakhouse and go somewhere that has food options for the both of you.
- If you want to live in the city but your partner loves the country, try splitting the difference and getting a place in the suburbs.
- It’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes, too. You can try to compromise most of the time, but don’t be afraid to prioritize yourself every now and then.

6

Keep your finances separate.

Give yourself the freedom to buy anything you want. Creating a joint bank account or opening a joint credit card is a big decision, and it’s one that most people save for marriage. If you want to act like a wife and not a girlfriend, save this milestone for when you two actually get married.^{[8]
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- When you combine finances, your partner’s money decisions become your own. If you aren’t married by law yet, you could lose a lot of money if your partner decides to make a big purchase or investment.

7

Focus on the present, not the future.

Take your relationship one day at a time to enjoy it for what it is. It’s easy to get distracted with thoughts of marriage or kids down the line. However, if that’s still a ways away for you, try to put it out of your mind for now. The more you can focus on progressing your relationship slowly, the better.^{[9]
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- Even if you’ve promised each other that you’ll get married, it’s not the same as actually being married.

8

Accept your partner for who they are right now.

It’s not realistic to hold out hope that someone might change in the future. It’s natural to hold out assume that your partner might change their ways or come around to your point of view eventually, but that’s rarely ever the case. When someone shows you who they are, believe them—they probably aren’t going to change significantly.^{[10]
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- People can usually change in small ways, like how often they exercise or how much TV they watch. But your partner’s morals and values are most likely there to stay.

9

Call out your partner’s bad behavior.

Address these things early so they don’t fester later on. Making an excuse for them will only make you feel worse in the long-run, because it lets them sweep their bad behavior under the rug.^{[11]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} We all make mistakes, but we can all apologize for them, too.^{[12]
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- Maybe your partner snapped at you when they got home from work. You might think, “Well, they had a long day today.” That might be true, but you can also say, “I don’t appreciate it when you take that tone with me. I know you had a tough day, but you don’t need to take it out on me.”
Expert Answer

Q

How can you communicate effectively with your partner?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

EXPERT ADVICE

Answer from Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW:

Often, people do not say anything when they do not like something to avoid conflict. But this can cause problems later. It is better to say how you feel in a very calm and neutral tone. Make sure the timing is correct. Both of you should be calm when you have this type of conversation.

10

Keep up with your friends and your hobbies.

Maintain your independence to keep your sense of self. It’s totally fine to hang out with your partner often, but make sure you’re doing your own thing, too! The more you can maintain your independence, the better you’ll feel.^{[13]
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- Try joining a local hobby group or club to meet new people who have your same interests.

11

Rely on your friends for an outside perspective.

They can give you a point of view that you might not be able to see. Ask your friends to tell you if you’re acting like a wife. It can be tough to see our relationship for what it is sometimes. If you have close friends that you trust, check in with them every now and then to get their opinions on your relationship. If they tell you that you’re diving in too deep, you can heed their advice and back off a little.^{[14]
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- Make sure you’re talking to people that you trust will give you the honest truth. Asking someone who doesn’t have your best interest in mind might just steer you down the wrong path.

Community Q&A

Question

What is a common mistake people make in a relationship?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

A common mistake people make in a relationship is to take the other person for granted. They forget to tell the person that they appreciate them and say thank you for things they do.