How to Ask a Boy Out

Co-authored by Collette Gee

Last Updated: June 19, 2021 References

Asking out a boy you like can seem scary, and you might be worried that he's going to say no. There are a lot of things you can do, though, to set yourself up for success. If you build a good foundation with friendship, you won't be so nervous when it comes time to ask him out.

Part 1

Part 1 of 2:

Preparing to Ask a Boy Out

1
Look nice when you go to school. Even if you've known him since kindergarten, it's never too late to make a good impression. The more put-together you look, the more likely he is to notice you and want to get to know you better.
- Wake up early to comb and style your hair before school. A few extra minutes in the morning can make a big difference.
- Choose your outfit the night before, so you're not scrambling to make a decision while you're sleepy and rushed.
- Depending on your parents' and school's rules, you may not be able to wear makeup. A lightly colored lip gloss is a good start, though!
- Nicely perfumed lotions are a good way to both keep your skin healthy and draw a boy's attention. Keep a little tube in your backpack so you can reapply it throughout the day.
2
Make eye contact. Let yourself get caught looking at him, and do your best not to look away immediately. Eye contact can be very intimate, and will show that you're interested in talking to him.^{[1]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- When you're talking to him, eye contact shows that you're paying attention. Everyone likes it when they feel like you're focusing on them.
- Be sure not to hold eye contact for too long, though, as that might get awkward. Strike a good balance.
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3
Smile at him. Studies have shown that flirting skills are more important than good looks when it comes to getting a boy to like you.^{[2]
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Research source} One of the most basic flirting techniques is to be free with your smiles when it comes to the boy you like.^{[3]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.}
- Whenever you make eye contact, give him an inviting smile to show that you're friendly, approachable, and interested in talking to him.
- Studies also suggest that the physical act of smiling actually tricks your mind into a better mood!^{[4]
  X
  Trustworthy Source
  TeensHealth
  Website run by Nemours, a nonprofit children's healthcare system, for the purpose of providing teens and young adults with specific health resources
  Go to source} The happier you are, the more people (including boys) will want to be around you.
4
Try to find out if he likes you.^{[5]
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Research source} Your friends are your best tools. Have them ask around to see if he likes anybody. Hopefully, he already has a crush on you, but if not, at least you know where you stand.
- If he has a crush on a different girl, don't lose hope! Try to imagine what he might see in her, and try to bring more of those traits out in yourself.
5
Learn what you can about him without talking to him. Through observation, you'll be able to bring up his likes and avoid his dislikes without having to draw them out of him in conversation. Some things you might look for include:
- His favorite sports teams: does he wear hats or t-shirts for a specific team? Get to know that team so you can talk to him about it.
- His favorite bands: t-shirts, stickers, and other merchandise will let you know what kind of music he's into. You might also see if you can overhear what he's listening to through his headphones.
- His hobbies: does he bring a skateboard to school with him? Do you see him carrying a tennis bag to practice after school?
6
Start with small conversations. Before you ask him out, pave the way for a relationship with smaller interactions. Small gestures not only prove that you're friendly and social, but they'll also build up to longer conversations once you get comfortable with each other. If you ask him to go out with you without laying this foundation, he might say no. Don’t rush it! Let these small moments grow into conversations. Some examples of low-pressure conversations might include:
- "Do you have any gum on you?" or "Do you want any gum?"^{[6]
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  Research source}
- "Can I borrow a pencil?"
- "I forgot my textbook. Can I look on with you?"
- "I didn't understand what the teacher was talking about at all. Did you get it? Can you explain it to me?"
7
Take an interest in his hobbies. As you get more comfortable and start having longer conversations, make sure to note his interests. Does he talk about his favorite books all the time, or he is more of a reality TV junkie? Does he love football, or is he more of an extreme sports guy?
- Do some homework. You may not have much to say about his interests at first, if you don't share them, but you can always learn about them!
- Learning about his interests will make your conversations more enjoyable for him. It also shows that you care enough to learn more about his passions.
8
Share your own interests with him. You don't want a potential relationship to be all about him, so don't let his interests take over your life. Tell him about the things you're passionate about, even if he's not knowledgeable about them. If you're willing to learn about his hobbies, he should do the same for you. If a boy expects you to take an interest in his passions, but doesn't ever want to talk about yours, maybe he's not the boy for you. You can tell a lot about a person's character by seeing how supportive they are of your passions.
- “I’m working on a new routine in my dance class that’s really hard to get right. I got really frustrated yesterday, but I enjoy the challenge.”
- “The debate team is traveling out of state to compete in a regional tournament this weekend. I’m really nervous!”
- “Have you read this book? She’s my favorite author. I think you’d probably like her books, because…”
- “Have you listened to this album yet? I know you don’t usually listen to this style of music, but some of these songs are amazing!”
9
Compliment him. Girls aren’t the only ones who like compliments! While you don’t want to make him uncomfortable by fawning all over him, a few compliments here and there will send a clear message that you like him.
- “Your hair looks great today!”
- “I love that shirt! Where’d you get it?”
- “Wow, you got an A on that test? I studied so hard, and only got a B minus! Great job!”
- “I was at the game this weekend. It’s too bad the team lost, but you were amazing! I cheered so hard when you scored that goal in the second half!”
10
Keep in touch with him online. Many people, especially younger ones, find it much easier to be charming and natural online than in person. When you’re texting or chatting online, he can’t see you get nervous. It also gives you time to Google whatever he’s talking about, so you can seem more knowledgeable about the subject.
- More importantly, you move the relationship out of its original space (school, church, etc.) into your free time. That’s a big step! It’ll make him more likely to say “yes” when you ask him out.
11
Make sure he gets along with your friends.^{[7]
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Research source} You spend more time with your friends than anyone else outside your family. If he doesn’t get along with them, you may find yourself having to choose between your friends and a boy. Before asking a boy out, make sure that he's a good fit with your social group to avoid painful situations down the road.

Part 2

Part 2 of 2:

Asking Him Out

1
Calm your nerves. When you’re working up the nerve to ask him out, you’re probably going to be very nervous. That’s perfectly natural, but you don’t want him to see how anxious you are!
- Take deep breaths to slow down your heart rate and clear your mind right before you ask him.^{[8]
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- Clench and relax the muscles in your face to release tension in your muscles.^{[9]
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  Research source}
- Repeat positive phrases to yourself. Visualize your best-case-scenario: “He’s going to say yes. He’s going to say yes. He’s going to say yes.”^{[10]
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  Research source}
2
Be confident. Asking a boy out can be nerve-racking, so psych yourself up for the big moment ahead of time. Take deep, calming breaths to slow down your heart rate. Throw back your shoulders, lift your chin, and speak in a clear, confident voice when you ask him out.
- If you look like a nervous wreck when you ask him out, he might think the date will be just as awkward.
- By acting confident and natural, you let him know that the date will be comfortable and fun.
3
Use open, positive body language.^{[11]
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Research source} What you say with your body often speaks more loudly than your words. Make sure your body is sending comforting, relaxing messages so he looks forward to going on a date with you. You don't want him to worry about it being awkward!
- Relax your shoulders and straighten your back.
- Lean in toward him when you're speaking.
- Don't cross your arms over your chest. Crossed arms suggest you're closed off, and you want to be open in this moment.
- Smile a lot and keep eye contact with him.
4
Ask him out in person. Even if you chat or text every day, don’t hide behind a computer or phone when you want to ask him out. Just as it’s easier for you to talk to him when you’re not face-to-face, it might be easier for him to say “no” from behind the comfort of a screen. Asking him out in person shows how confident you are, which can be very attractive. It's an important conversation — you want to make sure you're there in person for it!
5
Be clear that this is a date, not a “hang-out.” Sometimes, it can be hard to tell if a boy likes you as a friend or as a potential girlfriend. To avoid mixed messages, be clear that you want to go on a date with him, not just "hang out."^{[12]
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Expert Source

Collette Gee
Relationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist
Expert Interview. 1 May 2020.} Use language that makes clear that you're interested in him as more than just a friend:
- "I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me — maybe to a movie or a ball game?"
- "I want to get to know you better."
- "I love spending time with you, and want to see more of you."
- "We get along so well, I thought we might see if we were a good fit together."
6
Set up a group date with friends.^{[13]
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Research source} Your parents may not even allow you to go on a one-on-one date with a boy, but even if they do, group dates are better! Having your friends around you will put you at ease and allow you to fully enjoy your date. Even if your nerves get the better of you, you have your friends there to get you through it.
- “Let’s invite [fill in the blank] to come with us. Do you want to invite any of your friends?”
- Make sure your friends know to give you and the boy you like some space to talk privately. You want them there for support, but you don't want them hogging up your time!
7
Set a clear time and place. When you ask him out, don’t just say that you want to go out "sometime." Plan a specific time and place together, so you have a set plan that you'll definitely follow through on. You can also talk about who you want to invite along with you on your group date. Planning your first date together might be your first act as a new couple!
- “Let’s do it this weekend! Is Friday or Saturday better for you?”
- “What do you want to do? I’ve been dying to watch [fill in the blank] movie — do you want to see that?”

Warnings

Don't be nervous around guys; they are just people. Don't act like they are some big secret or something. That will get you nowhere.

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If he says no, try not to overact. Maybe you can be friends.

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