How to Console Someone Using Words: 10 Ways to Offer Support and Comfort

Last Updated: September 30, 2021 References

Finding the right words to console someone who’s going through a difficult time can be challenging for anyone. Depending on how close you are to the person, there are different things you can say to be sympathetic and show them you care. Take a look at some of the ideas on this list and choose whatever seems most appropriate to you the next time you want to console someone using words.

1

Acknowledge the person’s pain.

Let them know that you recognize the magnitude of their pain. Pick an appropriate time and situation and tell them you understand that they’re going through a difficult time. This can make the person feel more comfortable talking to you about it as well.^{[1]
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- You don’t have to get specific if you don’t want to. You can say something like: “I know this must be a really difficult time for you and your family.”
- Or, say something like: “I know you must be feeling a lot of pain right now.”

2

Tell them you’re sorry.

These words are a good starting point to console anyone. If you aren’t sure what the right words are to console someone, simply say “I’m sorry.” Add more details to expand on why you’re sorry if you’re comfortable doing so and if it’s appropriate.^{[2]
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- For example, if your family member just had a miscarriage, you could say: “I’m really sorry you lost your baby.”
- Or, if your friend’s dad just died, you might say: “I’m really sorry to hear about your dad.”

3

Try to distract the person if they don't want to talk.

Show them you’re there for them by helping take their mind off the problem. Ask the person to go out for a meal or to the movies. Or, invite them over to talk. Let them know there is a standing invitation any time they want to hang out and distract themselves from the difficult time they’re going through.^{[3]
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- For example, if your friend just lost a parent to suicide, say something like: “I’m really sorry that happened. I'm always here if you need some company. Do you want to go out to dinner this week?”
- Or, if a coworker is grieving over a break-up, tell them something like: “Hey, I’ve been there. If you want to get lunch one day to distract yourself, let me know!”

4

Ask them how they’re feeling.

This allows the person to express themselves and vent. Don’t assume you know what the person is feeling because of what they’re going through. Instead, ask them and let them tell you to help you understand their pain. Try saying something like: ^{[4]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
- “Hey, I know this must be a difficult time. How are you feeling about things today?”
- “How does what happened make you feel?”
- "Why are you crying?"^{[6]
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  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}
- "What has led you to feel this way?"^{[7]
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  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

5

Discuss the person’s emotions.

Show further understanding of what the person is going through. Listen to whatever the person is telling you about the difficult time they’re going through.^{[8]
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Expert Source

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.} Try to make an honest reflection about the emotions they are experiencing.^{[9]
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- For example, you might say something like: “I can tell you’re sad and confused about why this happened right now.”
- Or, you could say something like: “I understand why you’re feeling really hurt and angry about what just happened.”
- Empathy is a great way to console someone who's upset.^{[10]
  X
  Expert Source
  
  Connell Barrett
  Dating Coach
  Expert Interview. 24 September 2019.}

6

Reassure them that it’s okay to cry.

People often bottle up feelings of sadness because they’re ashamed to cry. Tell the person who’s going through a hard time that it’s totally fine for them to cry in front of you if they need to. Letting it all out can really help someone through the healing process.^{[11]
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- For example, if your friend is putting on a tough face after his wife left him, but you know he’s hurting, say: “Man, if you need to cry, go ahead. I know you’re hurting right now.”
- Or, if your friend is sad because her dog just died, say: “I’m here if you need a shoulder to cry on. You don’t have to hold back any tears in front of me.”

7

Tell them you love them if it’s appropriate.

These 3 words can really console a close friend or family member. When you see someone you really care about going through a hard time, make an extra effort to simply say “I love you.” They need as much love as they can get right now.^{[12]
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- For example, if your brother is sad because his dog just died, say: “Hey bro, I just wanted you to know that I love you.”
- Or, if your best friend just lost a parent and just got done telling you about it on the phone, say: “I love you, man.” before you get off the phone.

8

Be genuine and honest.

It’s okay to be saddened by their loss or to not know what to say. If you don’t know how to console someone, tell them that, but make it clear that you care. Or, if you feel affected by someone else’s loss and grief, tell them how you feel to show that you understand.^{[13]
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- For example, you might say: “Wow, I’m so sorry about your dad’s passing. We had a lot of good times with him growing up, didn’t we? That makes me really sad, too.”
- Or, you could say: “Hey, I don’t really know what to say right now, and my words probably won’t make it hurt any less, but I just want you to know I care and I’m here for you.”

9

Don’t offer advice.

People usually aren't looking for advice when they’re sad or upset. Avoid giving the person advice about what they should or shouldn’t do during this difficult time. Instead, focus on making sure they know you’re they’re for them and acknowledging that they’re passing through a really difficult moment.^{[14]
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- For example, if someone is sad because their cat just ran away and disappeared, don’t tell them they should have checked their windows before they went out. Instead, say something like, “I’m really sorry that happened. Can I help you look for your cat?”
- Or, if someone is upset because they got fired from their job, don’t say, “You should go start applying for new jobs right now.” Instead, say something like: “That really sucks, I’m sorry. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help when you start job hunting.”

10

Avoid trying to explain or justify the situation.

Comments you make with good intentions might upset the person more. Don’t tell someone who just lost a loved one that they are in a better place or that it was God’s will, for instance. Avoid using cliches like “It wasn’t meant to be,” to justify things like breakups or job losses.^{[15]
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- For example, if your friend’s dad just passed away, don’t say, “At least he’s no longer suffering.” Instead, say, “I’m really sorry. I know how hard this moment is for you.”
- Or, if your girlfriend just lost her job, don’t say, “It probably wasn’t a good fit, anyways.” Instead, say, “I know you’re feeling a bit lost right now, but I’m here to help you however I can.”

Community Q&A

Question

What do you say in a difficult situation?

Connell Barrett
Dating Coach
Connell Barrett is a Relationship Expert and the Founder and Executive Coach of Dating Transformation, his own relationship consulting business founded in 2017 and based out of New York City. Connell advises clients based on his A.C.E. Dating System: Authenticity, Clarity, and Expressiveness. He is also a dating coach with the dating app The League. His work has been featured in Cosmopolitan, The Oprah Magazine, and Today.

Connell Barrett

Dating Coach

Expert Answer

Offer a listening ear and be as empathetic as possible. Don't try to "fix" a person's problem—above all, a hurting person just wants to be heard.