This article was co-authored by Lena Dicken, Psy.D and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre. Dr. Lena Dicken is a Clinical Psychologist based in Santa Monica, California. With over eight years of experience, Dr. Dicken specializes in therapy for anxiety, depression, life transitions, and relationship difficulties. She utilizes an integrative approach combining Psychodynamic, Cognitive Behavioral, and Mindfulness-based therapies. Dr. Dicken holds a BS in Integrative Medicine from the University of Hawaii at Manoa, an MA in Counseling Psychology from Argosy University Los Angeles, and a Doctor of Psychology (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology at Westwood. Dr. Dicken’s work has been featured in GOOP, The Chalkboard Magazine, and in numerous other articles and podcasts. She is a licensed psychologist with the state of California.
wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. This article received 45 testimonials and 100% of readers who voted found it helpful, earning it our reader-approved status.
This article has been viewed 1,959,998 times.
Being ignored doesn’t feel good, whether it’s a friend, partner, or sibling who’s shutting you out. While you may be tempted to keep reaching out until they respond, it’s actually wiser to back off. Continue with your daily routine while they process their feelings. The good news is, they probably won’t ignore you forever! Once things have calmed down, try to arrange a face-to-face meeting with them to discuss the problem and work together to come up with a solution that feels right for both of you.
Steps
Giving Them Space
-
1Try to figure out why they’re ignoring you. Depending on the situation, this may be pretty obvious. If you’ve had a huge fight with your wife, for instance, you may know exactly why she’s giving you the cold shoulder. If you aren’t aware of any problems between yourself and the person ignoring you, though, consider if you might have done something to upset them.
- For instance, maybe you were gossiping about a friend behind their back. Whatever you said could have gotten back to them.
- If you left someone out of your plans or didn’t return their calls or messages, they might be hurt by your behavior.
Tip: In some cases, you may not have done anything to warrant being ignored. If the person ignoring you is a crush or relatively new romantic interest, it’s probably best to just move on. You deserve someone who will treat you better!
-
2Let them cool off. Regardless of why you’re being ignored, the worst thing you can do is to constantly hound the person. Don’t send a bunch of messages, call repeatedly, or keep asking them why they’re ignoring you. Give them some time to figure out how they feel and how, or if, they want to get in touch with you.[1] [2]
- A single message or call is fine, but don’t send a bunch of texts like, “Why are you ignoring me?” “What did I do wrong?” or “Please talk to me!” Not only will these messages probably annoy the person, but they might also make you look desperate.
- It can be really hard to avoid trying to solve the problem immediately. However, you can’t control the other person, so it’s best to just give them some space.
- You can also send something heartfelt, like “I've tried reaching out a couple of times. Maybe you're going through something that you're not comfortable sharing with me, or maybe you're just not up for connecting with me right now. I just want to let you know that I'm here. And I hope we can connect in the future.”[3]
Advertisement -
3Distract yourself with work, school, or hobbies. Trying to figure out why someone is ignoring you, or obsessing over the fact that they are ignoring you, can take up a lot of time and energy. However, it’s not productive and will only make you miserable. Continue with your daily life and activities. Throwing yourself into your job or schoolwork is a productive way to keep from thinking about the problem.[4]
- During your free time, spend time doing things you enjoy, whether that’s fishing, baking, playing soccer, woodworking, writing poetry, swimming, knitting, or coding!
-
4Spend time with people who care about you. While it can feel really bad to be on the outs with someone important in your life, they’re probably not the only person you enjoy spending time with. Reach out to other friends and family members and ask them to hang out. Take the time to build up your other relationships and spend quality time together.[5] [6]
- It’s really important to make sure your own emotional needs are met, especially when you’re struggling with a relationship that’s important to you.
-
5Think about how you’ve reacted to this behavior in the past. If the person has given you the silent treatment before and you’ve given them lots of attention to try to get them to talk to you, they may be trying to get you to do it again.[7]
- This is another reason why it’s important to avoid being clingy or begging for their attention—they might be ignoring you just to get you to respond. Reacting this way just shows them that ignoring you will get them what they want, when it’s actually not a healthy way to deal with problems.
Talking in Person
-
1Reach out to arrange a face-to-face meeting. If you care about the person ignoring you and want to resolve the conflict, you’ll need to address the issue. Speaking in person is better than texting or talking on the phone since you’ll be able to see each other’s facial expressions and determine how genuine each other’s words and actions are.[8]
- You can call, text, or even send a note to arrange the meeting. Try saying something like, “I know that you’re very upset with me and I’d really like to talk about things. Can we meet for coffee at 10am on Saturday?”
- Try to choose a neutral meeting place so no one has the “home field” advantage.
Tip: The person may not respond to your request or may decline meeting up. In this case, there’s really not much else you can do. If you’re open to talking to them about the issues in the future, let them know so they can reach out when they’re ready.
-
2Ask them directly why they’re ignoring you. Now that you’ve gotten the person to agree to talk to you, get to the point. Even if you have a good idea of why they’ve been ignoring you, ask them to explain it from their perspective. You may be surprised at what the issue really is or why they think ignoring you is the right way to handle the problem.[9]
-
3Listen carefully to what they have to say. Avoid being defensive or thinking of a rebuttal while they’re talking. This can be difficult, especially if they’re accusing you of something or think you’re in the wrong. However, do your best to listen to what they’re saying, read between the lines, and really try to see the situation from their side.[10]
- Use your body language to show them that you’re listening by making eye contact and nodding when you understand or agree.
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need clarification. You can also repeat what they said to make sure you understand.
-
4Apologize if you’re in the wrong. If you did something to upset or hurt the other person, take responsibility for your actions. Put your ego aside so you can acknowledge your mistakes and apologize sincerely. Validating their feelings can go a long way toward restoring your relationship.[11]
- Say something like, “I’m sorry that I didn’t invite you to girls’ night out, Jen. I can see that I hurt your feelings.”
-
5Explain your side of the story. Once the other person has aired their grievances and feels heard, it’s your turn to explain how this conflict affected you. Share your perspective on the situation without pointing the finger at them. Use “I” statements to frame your feelings and don’t forget to tell them how you felt when they ignored you.[12]
- For instance, you might say, “I felt really sad and anxious when you refused to talk to me. I value our friendship and want to make things right.”
-
6Come up with a compromise or solution together, if possible. At this point, you probably have a pretty good idea if the relationship can be mended or not. In some cases, an apology might be enough. In others, it may take time and dedication to repair your relationship. Work together to determine what the next steps will be.[13]
- You can each offer solutions and compromise to find one that works for both of you.
- It’s easy to make promises but harder to follow through. Make sure you’re really willing to do the work it takes to rebuild trust in your relationship, if that’s the issue.
-
7Accept that the relationship may not be worth saving. If the person ignoring you does so in order to get you to do something they want (or not do something they don’t want), they’re manipulating you. This is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you notice that a friend or family member often uses this type of behavior, especially after you’ve confronted them about it, you may be better off without this person in your life.[14]
- Similarly, if you’re just not that invested in the relationship, you may decide that moving on is in your best interest.
- Some friendships and relationships naturally fade as you grow. While it's painful, that's also normal. You will find other people out there![15]
Community Q&A
-
QuestionMy partner says he wants space, but changed his relationship status on Facebook to single. He says it might not be over between us, though. What do I do?
Community AnswerIt's over. He wants to see other people, but he wants to string you along in case he figures out that you're the best he can do. It sounds harsh, but that is almost certainly the reality. Tell him it's over and find someone that will love and respect you. -
QuestionThere's a guy and we both like each other a lot. He wanted to have sex with me and I said no, so now he's very mad at me and is now ignoring me. What do I do?
Community AnswerIf all a guy wants is sex, then he is not worth your time. I am not trying to tell you he is trash, but you need somebody who won't treat you like a toy. Good for you for not allowing him to pressure you into something you didn't want to do! -
QuestionWhat can I do if one of my friends stopped talking to me because some of the girls who hate me are telling her lies about me?Community AnswerBe truthful. Tell her that those are rumors. If she doesn't believe you, then she's not a real friend.
![Tell if Your Guy Friend Sees You As Just "One of the Guys"](./images/2367374755--crop-342-184-245px-Tell-if-Your-Guy-Friend-Sees-You-As-Just-"One-of-the-Guys"-Step-18.webp)
References
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/silent-treatment-is-toxic-to-relationships-2015-1
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10020662/Silent-treatment-how-to-snap-him-out-of-it.html
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
- ↑ https://ideas.ted.com/why-rejection-hurts-so-much-and-what-to-do-about-it/
- ↑ https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10020662/Silent-treatment-how-to-snap-him-out-of-it.html
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3835442/
- ↑ https://www.thenorthwestern.com/story/life/2014/08/03/silent-treatment-risks-relationships/13553319/
- ↑ Lena Dicken, Psy.D. Clinical Psychologist. Expert Interview. 15 December 2020.
About This Article
If someone is ignoring you and you've already tried reaching out to them, it's probably best if you give them some space to cool off for a bit. It's not easy, and it can be frustrating not being able to fix the problem immediately, but you can't really control what the other person does. Once you've given them some time, try reaching out again and arranging a face-to-face meeting. Even if they won't meet with you in person, ask them why they're ignoring you, and apologize if you're in the wrong. A simple apology might be all it takes for them to start talking to you again. If they're still upset, ask if there's any way you can make it up to them. Otherwise, if you feel like they're not willing to meet you halfway, it might be a sign that your relationship isn't worth saving. For advice on how to distract yourself with fun activities when someone is ignoring you, keep reading!
