How to Get over an Ex Boyfriend

Co-authored by Sarah Schewitz, PsyD

Getting over an ex boyfriend is typically easier said than done. But your behaviors and habits could be inhibiting you from fully moving on and being open to experiencing love again. Accepting that your grief and feelings of sadness are natural and can be overcome are the first steps of getting over a past relationship. Gathering the strength to move forward can ensure that you find happiness again rather than letting your break up be all-consuming.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Beginning To Heal

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Let yourself grieve. Trying to block legitimate feelings or make short cuts around the grieving process will only prolong your heartache in the long run. By simply burying your emotions, they’re bound to reemerge some day, only intensified. Although it can be difficult, focus on feeling every feeling and experiencing every heart pang because they'll make you a stronger person in the long run.^{[1]
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- Accept that you cannot avoid the uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal from your ex. You are not letting go because you want to, but because you have to in order to be the happiest and healthiest version of you.
- Recognize that every day brings you closer to healing and happiness.
- Be kind to yourself and accept that you will be functioning at a less than optimal level for a little while.
2
Embrace your independence. Remember that no one and nothing can make you content except for yourself. You might feel a sense of power knowing that your happiness is in your hands alone. If at all possible, look at the upside of being alone. You get to make the decisions and are no longer defined by someone else.^{[2]
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- Spend some time exploring who you are now, and forge your own identity.
- Serving as your own support system means you won’t be let down or disappointed.
- Engage in activities that you're ex didn't enjoy or wouldn't do with you. Eat foods that he didn't like and watch movies that he wouldn't see with you.
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3
Detach yourself. Accept that for right now you’re going to stand on your own two feet without your partner, and resist the urge to rush into another relationship. In doing so, you may come to understand realities about your previous relationship, or your ex, that you hadn’t noticed before. View the relationship objectively, using your brain rather than your heart. Ask yourself if he was the kind of boyfriend that you would want for your best friend, sibling, or child.^{[3]
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- Consider if you had to do it all over again, would you choose this person as a partner. The answer may cause you to think about the relationship in a new way.
- Especially if the break up is still fresh, don’t feel pressured to make any decisions regarding your old relationship or its future. Your ability to focus exclusively on healing will take some pressure off of the next few months.
- Remember that you broke up for a reason. The pain you’re now experiencing is temporary, but it is likely there were real issues in the relationship that were permanent.
4
Turn on the water works. Studies show that you really will feel better after a good cry. Emotional tears contain toxic biochemical byproducts, so ridding your body of them relieves stress and removes these substances.^{[4]
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Research source}Even the physical feeling you get from shedding a few tears allows you to release your pain and begin the mending process.
- Another unexpected, but great, aspect to crying is that you’re reminded how huge your capacity to care for others can be, and that you still have the ability to love.
- If you think you’d benefit from a good cry, but would like to do it in private, try taking a shower or going on a long walk to a secluded park.
EXPERT TIP

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist by the California Board of Psychology with over 10 years of experience. She received her Psy.D. from the Florida Institute of Technology in 2011. She is the founder of Couples Learn, an online psychology practice helping couples and individuals improve and change their patterns in love and relationships.

Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist

Set boundaries for yourself on how long you can grieve. Love and relationship psychologist Dr. Sarah Schewitz says: "If you've given yourself time to cry it out, but your emotions are still interfering with our life considerably after a few weeks, you need to start setting limits. For example, you might tell yourself, 'I can cry about this for 15 minutes in the morning and 15 minutes at night. The rest of the time, I need to get on with my life.'"
5
Exercise regularly. Walking, running, swimming and biking will actually offer immediate relief from your pain because staying active stimulates brain chemicals and increases serotonin, which advances the growth of nerve cells.^{[5]
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Research source} You’ll also gain valuable reflection time with which to ruminate and think over your feelings. You could come to some valuable conclusions this way. You’ll not only enjoy physical health, but experience more energy to make it through the day.
- You’ll feel satisfied on an emotional level for taking charge of your own mind and body.
- If you decide to join a group exercise activity, such as a spinning class or sports team, you may even form a valuable support system by making new friends.
6
Surround yourself with people who love, care for, and understand you. Don’t be afraid to share your feelings with them. The more your support system understands what you are going through, the more helpful they can be. You may even find comfort in the fact that you can open up to and trust them, rather than depending on your ex boyfriend.
- Consider joining a support group filled with people who are going through the same experience you are. Sometimes it’s easier to share your true feelings with strangers.
- If there is no one in your life you feel comfortable reaching out to, find a therapist or counselor who specializes in loss.
- Develop new friendships.^{[6]
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  Trustworthy Source
  HelpGuide
  Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
  Go to source} Chances are that you didn’t have as much time to form new bonds when you were with your boyfriend, or you may feel that you lost your network along with the break up. Take a class or volunteer so you have the opportunity to interact with others who you share the same interests as.

Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Moving On

1
List your qualities that you're most proud of.^{[7]
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Research source}This will help you to focus on the positive rather than the negative. You’ll also notice which of your strengths you value, rather than what someone else does or doesn't like about you. Once your viewpoint is no longer clouded by negativity you'll be able to uncover your true self.
- Were you always proud of your ability to write thoughtful poems, but he didn't appreciate you for it? Put this one at the top of your list.
- Alternately make a list of obstacles you’ve overcome and hardships you’ve persevered through. Recognizing how resilient you’ve been in the past, reminds you that you can do it in the present.
2
Write down goals. Make a list of realistic steps and a timeline to help you focus on anything but your break up and your ex. A sense of accomplishment will boost your self-esteem and remind you of your worth. Working hard towards something for the future will mean you’re less focused on the day-to-day and more determined on the overall big picture.
- Writing down your goals, rather than simply imagining them, will help them seem real and make you more likely to hold yourself accountable.
- Your goals can be anything from working towards a promotion at your job to simply flossing your teeth everyday. The idea is to feel good about yourself and your accomplishments.
3
Help someone else. Focusing on another person, and acting as their support system, will give you a purpose and shift your thoughts away from your break up. Think of it as rechanneling the love and energy you previously put into your relationship. Others will naturally be drawn to you and want to spend time with you, making you feel less lonely and rejected.Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or perform acts of kindness towards a friend who has experienced a death in the family.
- Giving back and showing kindness towards others has been proven to relieve symptoms of depression.^{[8]
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- People will be more likely to help and support you in your time of need.
4
Give yourself permission to move on.^{[9]
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Research source}It may be hard to believe that you’ll find love again, but remember that unless you put yourself out there and take risks, you won’t reap any benefits. Learning from past mistakes and applying what you’ve learned in the future is an important part of ending the relationship. Don’t let yourself feel guilty for putting your feelings for your ex, good and bad, behind you.
- Put yourself out there to meet new people and even flirt if someone catches your interest.
- You might be surprised at the number of decent, interesting people who attract your attention now that you're more open to meeting them.
- Ask your friends to partake in a girls night out with you, where you have fun together and meet new people.
5
Create a new reality that doesn’t include your ex. Purge yourself of materials and even friendships that you find are toxic or holding you back.^{[10]
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Research source} Make changes and take plunges that you've always thought about, but never actually done. Get a drastic haircut, redo your living room, or travel to a foreign country. Forging new experiences without your ex, will make you feel worlds away from the life you created together.
- Make small changes such as where you shop for groceries or go to get your hair done. The idea is to feel like you’ve created an entirely different life for yourself.
- If there were any hobbies or interests that you found yourself giving up on while you were with your ex, try to rediscover your passion for them.

Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

What Not To Do

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Don’t focus on any guilt that you’re harboring. If you feel that you made a mistake in the relationship and have attempted to make amends, move on. Don’t be hard on yourself for things that you cannot change. To help alleviate guilt, try reminding yourself what you did right, either in the relationship or outside of it.
- Envision a time when you were supportive, loving and loyal to those around you.
- Determine who is behind the guilt that you’re feeling. Are your friends wishing you would get back together with your ex or is he manipulating you in some way? Determining which feelings are someone else’s and which are your own is important for figuring out if the guilt is warranted or not.
2
Don’t go out of your way to avoid places or people that remind you of your ex. If you had a favorite restaurant that you frequented together, make it a point to still eat there. Make reservations to go with friends in order to create new memories. This will keep you from limiting yourself and letting your sadness dictate your actions.
- If you shared a mutual friend with your ex who you still care about, try not to let the nature of the friendship change now that you’re no longer together.
3
Don’t allow lingering negativity to get in the way when you do meet someone new.^{[11]
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Research source}Remember that starting a new relationship doesn’t mean it will end like your last one did. Concentrating on how you feel you were wronged will make you appear bitter and unpleasant to be around. If you hold onto these feelings, you could miss the opportunity to meet someone amazing in the future.
- Allow yourself to learn from past mistakes, but understand that no two men are the same.
4
Don’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results. If you begin to notice an unhealthy pattern within your relationships, consider how you can avoid this. Whether it’s being taken advantage of, or letting a negative side of your own personality take over, recognize that failure to change this habit will result in a similar outcome.^{[12]
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- If the type of man that you’re drawn to keeps hurting you, address the reasons behind why you're drawn to this type of relationship.
- Talk with those closest to you who saw the nature of your relationship first-hand. Ask them for help in constructively evaluating what went wrong with your ex.
5
Don’t find reasons to contact your former lover. Chances are that if your break up is fresh and you are still healing, even a friendship isn’t possible between the two of you for now. It will be difficult to have an objective viewpoint on what went wrong if you’re still in contact. Additionally, it may make it harder for you to accept the end of the relationship, which will only prolong your grieving process.
- True closure can be difficult if there is still dialogue between the two of you. A clean break will make acceptance of the end unavoidable.
- If he is the one contacting you, consider changing your phone number and email address.
- Delete him from your social media accounts so you aren't forced to inadvertently think about him throughout the day when you login to your accounts and he's posted an update. If you don't want to delete him altogether, most apps have ways of blocking people, as well.
6
Don’t use alcohol or drugs to escape from your pain.^{[13]
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Trustworthy Source
HelpGuide
Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.
Go to source}While you may be tempted to do whatever it takes to relieve your feelings of loneliness, you will be further behind in the long run if you rely on something as destructive as these numbing agents. Drugs and alcohol will block your feelings, and put off the grieving process, rather than getting you closer to starting to heal.
- There is a chance you could develop an addiction, producing another issue to overcome.
- It's possible you could drive away friends and potential future mates with this harmful behavior.