How to Have a Serious Conversation About Your Relationship

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Hannah Madden

Last Updated: July 6, 2022 References

No relationship is perfect—that’s just a fact of life. Addressing relationship issues with your partner is the best way to tackle them together and figure out a solution quickly. That’s why we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of tips you can use to talk with your partner and have a kind, respectful discussion about the relationship.

1

Focus on one issue at a time.

Narrow down your conversation to one specific issue. Try to make it really specific, too—the clearer the issue is, the better you and your partner will be able to address it. If you have more than one thing you want to talk about, save the others for a later date. It’s much easier to talk about one thing at a time so you and your partner don’t get overwhelmed.^{[1]
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- For instance, if you feel like you and your partner aren’t spending enough time together, you might talk about how you can rearrange your schedules to see each other more often.
- If you feel like your partner isn’t treating you well, you could talk about how you want to go on dates more often.

2

Start the conversation with a positive.

Beginning on the right foot can help the conversation go smoothly. Thank your partner for sitting down to chat with you, and let them know that you’re here to find a solution together (not start a fight). If your partner knows where you’re coming from, they’re less likely to get defensive.^{[2]
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- Try something like, “Thanks for talking with me about this. I’ve been thinking about it for a little while now, and I know I’ll feel better if I just get this out in the open.”

3

Keep your tone of voice neutral.

Your voice says a lot about what you’re feeling. During a deep relationship talk, you might feel a little bit hurt or upset. Do your best to keep your tone of voice calm and collected, and avoid raising your voice at your partner. If you can stay neutral the whole time, you’ll have a much more productive conversation.^{[3]
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- Try to take stock of your body language, too. Crossing your arms or turning away from your partner can indicate that you’re mad or upset, but facing your partner and keeping your arms by your side is more neutral.

4

Use “I” statements.

Avoid blaming your partner by focusing on yourself. You can phrase things by using “I” statements (instead of “you” statements) to make your partner feel less defensive.^{[4]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Try bringing up the issue at hand using an “I” statement, like:^{[5]
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- “Since we haven’t defined our relationship, I am a little confused.”
- “We have different goals in life, and I’m worried about that.”
- “We haven’t discussed our finances yet, and I would feel better if we did.”

5

Emphasize how you feel.

Your emotions can help your partner understand where you’re coming from. It’s easy to brush someone off if you bring something up without talking about how it makes them feel. Really highlight the fact that the problem is making you feel upset, hurt, or angry, so that your partner feels more motivated to work on it with you.^{[6]
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- You might say something like, “When you don’t introduce me as your girlfriend to people, it makes me feel really sad and hurt.”
- Or, “I’m not sure where this relationship is going, and that makes me feel frustrated.”
- Your partner will be more receptive if they're not feeling defensive.^{[7]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

6

Ask open-ended questions.

Get your partner to talk by choosing questions they can’t answer with yes or no. If your partner isn’t really one for talking, you may have some trouble getting them to open up. Try asking them questions that they can respond to so they’re contributing to the conversation. Try ones like:^{[8]
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- “How do you feel about that?”
- “What’s your take on this?”
- “Can you tell me your point of view?”

7

Listen to your partner’s perspective.

Let your partner talk uninterrupted, and avoid any distractions. After you’ve talked, give your partner a chance to speak their mind, and put away any distractions. Make eye contact and nod along to show that you’re listening, and ask follow-up questions if you’re having trouble understanding what they mean.^{[9]
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- You might ask questions like, “Could you tell me more?” or, “Can you explain that to me one more time?”
- You can also rephrase what your partner says in your own words to double check that you understand them.

8

Tackle any issues as a team.

It’s you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. Once you’ve figured out what the issue is and where you’re both coming from, you can work together to find a solution. You might have to try out a few things before you find something that works, but if you tackle things as a team, it will be much easier.^{[10]
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- If you’re having trouble coming up with ideas, ask your partner questions like, “Do you have any ideas on what we could do now?” or, “How do you think we can avoid this problem in the future?”

9

Come up with a compromise together.

You might not both be 100% happy, and that’s okay. Find a solution that you can both live with so you come away from the conversation feeling good. Relationships are all about compromise, and you’ll probably have to do it a lot throughout your time together.^{[11]
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- For instance, if you want more time with your boyfriend but he needs his alone time, you could plan to meet up every other day instead of every day.
- If you want to start saving money together but he doesn’t want to worry about budgeting right now, set a goal to both save a small amount of money every month instead of a big chunk.

10

Evaluate your solution later.

Implement what you talked about, then come together to see if it worked. Your solutions might not be perfect all the time, and if that’s the case, it’s okay to come back to the drawing board again. If you’ve tried out your compromise and it’s just not working for you (or your partner), have another talk to see what you might change to make things better.^{[12]
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- Maybe you made a plan to make more time for sex, but with work stress and responsibilities, it just isn’t happening. You may need to schedule specific days and times to have sex so it doesn’t fall by the wayside.
- Or, maybe you made a plan to save money for the future, but your savings aren’t growing fast enough. You can talk about a new savings goal to speed up the process.

11

Talk to a couple’s counselor if you need to.

Some relationship issues are too hard to tackle on your own. If you and your partner are struggling to come up with solutions to your problems, make an appointment with a professional. A couple’s counselor can help you come up with solutions to fit your unique situation, and they can give you unbiased advice on how you both can move forward.^{[13]
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Community Q&A

Question

How can I help my upset partner?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Use I-statements to get to the root of the problem. A statement like "I'm sensing that you're feeling a little upset—is everything okay?" will go over a lot better than "You look irritated when you do that."
Question

How do you deal with a lying partner?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Approach their dishonesty in an empathetic way. Instead of accusing them, say something like "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable so that you can be more honest with me in this relationship?"