How to Overcome Jealousy

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Amy Bobinger

Last Updated: October 18, 2021 References Approved

Everyone feels a little jealous once in a while—maybe someone was acting a little flirty with your partner, or maybe your best friend has been having a lot of fun with a new coworker. However, if jealous thoughts become really intrusive, it can actually drive a wedge between you and the person you want to be closest to. To save the relationship and get some peace of mind, take some time to sort through your feelings before you act on them.

1

Reflect on the root of your jealous feelings.

Ask yourself if there's anything deeper going on. Once you admit that you're struggling with jealousy, you can start digging into why you're having those feelings to begin with. For instance, deep down, you might feel inadequate or like you don't have much to offer, which can lead to jealous feelings.^{[1]
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- Your underlying beliefs about relationships could be fueling your jealousy. For instance, you might feel like your partner's exes are always a threat to your relationship, or that if your friends have fun with someone else, they won't like you anymore.^{[2]
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- You might also have deep-rooted insecurities that cause you to feel like if other people are successful, it means you aren't as good as them or that it takes away a chance for you to find success.

2

Acknowledge your jealous feelings.

Admit how you're feeling to yourself before you do anything else. If you notice you're feeling a little jealous, take a few minutes to check in with yourself. It's perfectly normal to get jealous once in a while, so don't judge your feelings—just let yourself acknowledge that's what's going on. Sometimes, just naming our emotions can help us start to get some control over them.^{[3]
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Research source} Some signs of jealousy might include:
- Spending most of your time wishing you had what others have, instead of appreciating what you have.
- Constantly comparing yourself to your friends, family members, and coworkers, and finding that you always come up short.
- Feeling unhappy when you see your friends hanging out with other people.
- Getting upset when your significant other interacts with someone they might find attractive.
- Constantly looking at your significant other's Facebook, phone, or email for signs that they are cheating on you.^{[4]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}

3

Use your feelings of jealousy as inspiration to grow.

Think about what you really want, then make a plan to get there. As you dig deeper into your jealous feelings, ask yourself what they're bringing up. If you're able to pinpoint something you wish you could change about yourself, use that as a way to set new goals. Then, set out to make that happen!^{[5]
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- For instance, maybe you feel jealous of your best friend because they're pursuing a career as an artist, while you're afraid to take that step. This may be a sign that you should rethink your career path.
- If you're jealous of the way a coworker dresses, work on developing your own unique style.
- Instead of envying someone with a lot of money, make your dollars count—save up your money to buy just a few key items for your wardrobe or apartment that will make you feel good about what you have.

4

Try to be trusting if you're jealous in a friendship or relationship.

Take a look at whether jealousy is really warranted. Jealousy is often a sign that we're afraid of losing a person who's close to us, but that doesn't actually mean they're doing anything wrong.^{[6]
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Research source} Be really honest with yourself about whether they've given you a reason to feel this way. If they haven't, choose to treat them with trust. If you can do that, you'll be more likely to stay close with them.^{[7]
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- For example, if you're jealous that your friend is spending time with someone new, but they're still making time for you, you probably don't have anything to worry about.
- If you're feeling jealous in your romantic relationship, think about whether you can trust your partner. If they're frequently dishonest with you or they've broken your trust before, your jealousy could actually be your instincts telling you something's wrong. Consider taking a step back so you can reflect on whether this is really a healthy relationship.

5

Find healthy outlets for your emotions.

Learn to process how you're feeling in a productive way. We all have different ways of dealing with tough emotions like jealousy. However, some of those can be really unhealthy—like turning to alcohol, acting in an aggressive way, or withdrawing from the people you love. It's really important to find ways to sort through how you're feeling in a way that's going to make you feel better in the long run. Some of those might include:^{[8]
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- Using deep-breathing, meditation, or mindfulness exercises
- Talking to someone you trust
- Exercising to burn off your stress
- Writing in a journal or creating art^{[9]
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6

Focus on your positive qualities.

Embrace yourself for who you are. Jealousy can sometimes be rooted in insecurity and low self-esteem. For instance, if you don't feel good about yourself, you might be more likely to feel like someone else is a threat to your relationship. However, it's really important to remember that you're unique, with your own special talents that other people might not have. When you can embrace these, you'll be more satisfied with your own life, which may make you less likely to feel jealous or insecure.^{[10]
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- One way to build your self-esteem is to write down all the things you love about yourself. Focus on the parts of your life that you love, such as your relationships, your amazing job, or how far you've come. When you're feeling jealous, read over the list to help you feel better in your own skin.^{[11]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- It's okay if you have some flaws—everyone does. Just try to improve on those every day, and keep building up the good things about yourself.

7

Stop comparing yourself to other people.

Remember that other people have problems, too. It can be really tempting sometimes to look at other people and think they have a perfect life. That can sometimes fuel jealous feelings, because you might feel like you want what they have, or that they can come and take what you have. Don't fall into that trap, though—other people often have problems that you'll never know anything about, no matter what their life looks like from the outside.^{[12]
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- You won't beat your jealousy if you're obsessed with doing what your friends do, looking like your friends, or having the same relationship your friend has. No two people are alike, and you'll only feel worse if you're trying to emulate someone else. Though different people should inspire us in different ways, don't forget that you are a unique individual and never compare yourself to anyone else.^{[13]
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  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- The only person you should compare yourself to is—you! Pay attention to how far you've come and be proud of yourself for that.^{[14]
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8

Limit your time on social media.

Avoid fanning the flames by cutting back on your time online. If you struggle with jealousy, it can sometimes be tempting to scour through other people's profiles, looking for a hint that there's something deeper going on. Those impulses will just feed your jealousy, making it worse. If you notice that happening, it's better to log off for a while and do something more productive instead.^{[15]
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- For instance, you might check your significant other's profile every day, reading through all of the comments to see if they're still acting flirty with their ex.
- You might also obsessively look through your friends' photos to see if they're having fun without you.
- Even just casually scrolling can bring up feelings of jealousy if you feel like other people's lives are better than yours. Remember, though—it's easy for other people to present a perfect version of their lives on social media, so what you see might not be reality.^{[16]
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9

Busy yourself with your own hobbies.

Make your own goals and interests a priority. Be proud of your own hard work and prioritize things that make you feel really excited.^{[17]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Also, constantly set new goals for yourself so you stay challenged. If you're busy enjoying your own life, you won't have time to be jealous of what others are doing.^{[18]
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- For example, you might train to run a 5k, start a side hustle, learn to play a musical instrument, or take a class to learn a new skill.
- When you're really happy with what you have going on, you'll feel more confident in what you have to offer—making it less likely that you'll feel jealous if your friends or partner show interest in other people.

10

Build meaningful relationships with others.

Spend time with the people who really matter to you. If you're feeling jealous of other people's friendships or relationships, it could be that you're feeling really lonely in your own life. Try to spend more time engaged in meaningful conversations or activities with your friends, and work on having open and honest relationships.^{[19]
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- Put more effort into relationships where you feel really valued. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, like if they constantly brag about what they have or they always put you down, it may be time to move on.
- If you're in a serious relationship, work on having honest and open communication to help you address the things that aren't working.^{[20]
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  Expert Source
  
  Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
  Psychotherapist
  Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.}
- If you find yourself being jealous of other people's happiness, spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself.

11

Count your blessings.

Pay attention to what's good in your own life. When you're blinded by jealousy, it can be hard to see the good things in your life. Make it a habit to remind yourself every day of the good things in your life. When you make it a practice to be grateful, you'll actually find it easier to spot other good things that you have going on.^{[21]
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Trustworthy Source
Harvard Medical School
Harvard Medical School's Educational Site for the Public
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- If you're having trouble getting started, remind yourself that you're lucky just to have running water, food to eat whenever you want it, good health, and even access to a computer.
- It can help to write these things in a journal. That way, you can read over them any time you're feeling jealous of what other people have.
- Consider spending some time helping others to remind yourself how fortunate you are. For instance, you might volunteer in your community or help a friend who's going through a hard time.^{[22]
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12

Don't act on your jealousy while you're upset.

Take some time to cool off so you won't say anything you'll regret. There's nothing wrong with simply feeling jealous—it happens to everyone. However, feeling jealous isn't the same as acting jealous. Just because you feel that way doesn't mean you have to sulk, withdraw from your partner, or accuse them of anything. If you can observe how you're feeling without acting on it, you may actually feel your jealousy starting to subside.^{[23]
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- It can sometimes be tempting to pull away from the other person in an effort to get them to reassure you. Unfortunately, this will often have the opposite effect and create distance between you, instead.^{[24]
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- If you can, try excusing yourself from the situation for a few minutes. Take a few deep breaths to help yourself feel more in control. Then, start to process what you're feeling.
- If you do decide to talk to the other person about how you're feeling, it's best to wait until you've had time to really cool down and sort through your thoughts.

13

Talk to a therapist if the feelings persist.

Work through the underlying experiences that are causing your jealousy. Sometimes, jealousy is rooted in things that happened in your early childhood. A trained therapist can help you see how your past is affecting your present, and they can also help you work on strategies to overcome that.^{[25]
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- For example, you may have an insecure attachment style if you constantly struggle with your sense of self-worth and like everyone around you is going to leave. A therapist can help you become more self-confident to prevent this from becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- A therapist might also help you work through low self-esteem that causes you to feel jealous when other people are successful.

Expert Q&A
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Question

How do I stop being so insecure?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Therapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Therapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

I always say to gain more self esteem, do esteem-able acts. Try volunteering or doing something that will make you feel validated and good about yourself. Look at it as an opportunity to grow.

Warnings

If you've tried everything but feel like there is nothing about your life that would appeal to anyone, and feel like there's nothing you can do to make your own situation better, then you may be suffering from depression. Consider reaching out for help.^{[26]
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Trustworthy Source
National Institute of Mental Health
Informational website from U.S. government focused on the understanding and treatment of mental illness.
Go to source}

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