How to Stop Jealousy in a Relationship

Co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW and Megaera Lorenz, PhD

Last Updated: August 25, 2021 References

It’s normal to feel a little jealousy from time to time. But when it gets out of control, jealousy has the potential to break down trust and ruin relationships. If you just can’t move past your own feelings of jealousy, or if your partner’s jealousy is causing problems between you, it’s time to take action. The good news is that you and your partner can overcome jealousy if you’re willing to work together.

1

Question your assumptions.

Stop and ask yourself if your worries make sense. Jealousy is really a reaction to fear or anxiety. Next time you start feeling jealous, think about where those feelings are coming from, and try to look at them logically. Are you jumping to conclusions about your partner’s behavior? Do you have unreasonable expectations about how they should act in a relationship?^{[1]
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- For instance, maybe you get upset whenever your SO works late, because a previous partner used that as an excuse when they were being unfaithful to you. Ask yourself, “Do I have good reason to think the same thing is happening now? Is there actually any other evidence that they’re cheating?”
- In some cases, you or your partner might have legitimate reasons to feel jealous or insecure. Ask yourself if your partner is honest and respectful with you, and vice versa. If not, it might be time to step back and rethink whether the relationship is really working.^{[2]
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2

Notice jealous thoughts, but don’t engage.

Resist the urge to act on or obsess over those thoughts. Jealous thoughts and feelings are normal, and there’s no way to totally prevent them from happening. However, by noticing these thoughts and allowing them to happen without judging, pushing them down, or acting on them, you can make them a little less powerful. Just think to yourself, “I’m feeling jealous again,” or “There’s another one of those insecure thoughts.”^{[3]
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- Try imagining the jealous thoughts flowing through you. Don’t try to force them to go. Just breathe deeply and picture them being carried off down the stream of your thoughts until they disappear.
- Alternatively, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal or a private document on your computer. Putting your worries down in writing can make them feel less urgent and overwhelming.
- When you feel jealous, don’t react by angrily confronting your partner, trying to spy on them, or going through their phone for “evidence.” Those sorts of behaviors won’t make you feel better—they’ll just create more tension and hard feelings in your relationship.^{[4]
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3

Make a list of your jealousy triggers.

Brainstorm ways to deal with your triggers once you identify them. Jealousy often comes from a place of insecurity inside yourself, but certain situations or thoughts tend to set those feelings off. Next time you feel jealous, write down the situation and the exact thoughts and feelings you’re having. Look for patterns that help you understand the underlying issues behind your jealousy.^{[5]
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- For instance, maybe you get jealous whenever you see your SO conversing with someone attractive. You might notice that you have thoughts like, “I’ll never be that good-looking.” This might mean that the source of your jealousy is actually insecurity about your own attractiveness—not anything your SO is doing.
- Once you have an idea of what’s causing the jealousy, you can work on addressing it (for instance, by challenging unrealistic or negative thoughts about yourself).

4

Use relaxation techniques to manage your emotions.

Calming strategies can keep jealousy from damaging your relationship. Jealousy can trigger all kinds of upsetting feelings. Instead of taking those feelings out on your partner or letting them fester, look for ways to unwind and soothe yourself. Next time you feel jealous, try something like:^{[6]
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- Meditating. Doing mindful meditation is especially good for helping you notice and deal with negative thoughts and feelings that might contribute to jealousy.
- Going for a walk or getting some exercise.
- Working on a creative project or hobby.
- Talking to a supportive friend or family member.
- Reading a book or watching a favorite TV show or movie.
- Listening to peaceful music.

5

Ask for reassurance if you’re worried.

Let your partner know if you feel insecure about something. But make sure to do it in a gentle, non-accusing way. Explain why you feel the way you do and ask for some assurance that everything is okay between you. Ask them to do the same if they start feeling insecure. If each of you knows what the other is feeling, you’ll understand each other better—which will make it easier to offer reassurance or talk about ways to address the problem.^{[7]
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- Say something like, “Hey, sometimes I feel a little insecure when you spend so much time texting your coworker. I know it’s probably nothing, but I’d just like a little reassurance that there’s nothing going on between you two.”
- Likewise, if you’re bothered by your partner’s jealous behaviors, don’t hesitate to let them know. Try saying, “I feel really uncomfortable when you keep calling while I’m out with my friends. Can we talk about what’s going on?”^{[8]
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- When they respond, actively listen to what they have to say and really make an effort to understand it. Don’t interrupt or try to contradict or minimize what they’re saying, even if you don’t agree.

6

Use “I” language so they won’t feel attacked.

When you talk about jealousy, focus on yourself. That way, your partner won’t feel as defensive and will be more likely to listen.^{[9]
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Expert Source

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always looking at other women!” try something like, “I felt really sad and insecure when I saw you looking at her that way.”
- Try the same technique if your partner is the jealous one. Instead of, “You’re so suspicious all the time, why don’t you cut me some slack?” try something like, “I get really uncomfortable when you grill me about what I’ve been doing at work. Can you please try to give me the benefit of the doubt?”

7

Stay calm when you’re talking about your feelings.

Step away from the conversation if you feel like lashing out. It’s easy to get angry when you’re feeling jealous or insecure, but reacting in anger won’t resolve anything. Likewise, snapping at an insecure partner won’t put them at ease. When you talk to your partner about jealousy, look at it as a conversation rather than a confrontation. If you feel your temper rising, stop and take some deep breaths, or take a break and try again later.^{[10]
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- You could say something like, “I think we’re both starting to get tense, and I don’t want this to turn into a big argument. I’m going to go for a walk and clear my head. We can talk more later.”
- If you’re having trouble calming down in the moment, try taking 3 deep, slow breaths. You can also try counting to 10 backwards or focusing on something you can feel, see, smell, or hear.^{[11]
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  National Domestic Violence Hotline
  Organization providing lifesaving tools, support, and resources for victims and survivors of domestic abuse
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8

Try to see things from your partner’s perspective.

Compassion and empathy will help you build trust. Jealousy is often irrational. If your partner is jealous, it can be really hard to understand where they’re coming from. It can be equally hard to understand your SO’s behavior if you’re the one feeling jealous or insecure. Do your best to try to imagine the situation from their perspective, though—not only will you understand them better, but you might identify changes you can make in your own behavior.^{[12]
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- For instance, ask yourself where your jealous partner’s feelings might be coming from. Did they have a bad experience in a past relationship? Have you ever hidden things from them or lied about something, even if it was something minor?
- If you’re jealous, think about how your behavior comes across to your partner. Are you constantly checking in on them or grilling them about what they’ve been doing? How would you feel if they did the same to you?

9

Validate each other’s feelings.

Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings, even if you don’t agree. You don’t have to go along with everything your sweetheart says to validate their feelings and show compassion. It can be enough to simply recognize how they feel and tell them that you care. Let them know that you’d like them to do the same for you.^{[13]
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- Say something like, “I know you feel really anxious when I’m out late, and I totally get it. I care about you a lot and want us to be able to trust each other.”
- If you struggle with jealousy, say something like, “I realize that it gets on your nerves when I keep asking questions like this. I’m trying hard to be more trusting, and I hope you can be patient with me while I work through these feelings.”

10

Behave in a trustworthy and accountable way.

Honesty and trustworthy behavior can help reduce insecurity. You don’t have to tell your SO absolutely everything you do. But being transparent and open with each other will go a long way towards keeping jealousy at bay. Be open about your feelings, avoid lying to one another, and be ready to own up if you do make a mistake.^{[14]
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- Talk to your partner about setting some accountability ground rules that you can both agree on. For example, you might promise to call each other if you’re going to be out late, or agree to check in occasionally when you’re spending time with friends.^{[15]
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- Avoid lying to your partner about things, even if you think the truth might upset them. You’ll set a good example with your honesty and help them see that they can trust you to tell the truth.
- You can also set reasonable expectations about how you and your sweetheart behave with other people. For example, you might both agree not to follow exes on social media or make flirty comments to other people.^{[16]
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11

Establish healthy boundaries.

Set clear expectations for how you’ll both behave. Trust and transparency are important, but you and your partner also deserve respect and personal space.^{[17]
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Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.} Think about what kinds of behaviors you will and will not tolerate from your SO, and ask them to do the same. Be gentle and respectful, but also firm.^{[18]
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- For instance, you might say, “I’m just going out to have a couple drinks with my friends from out of town. I’ll call you to check in when I get to the bar, but I can’t keep texting back and forth all evening.”
- Respect your partner’s need to have outside relationships and time away from you. Ask them to do the same for you.

12

Spend quality time together.

There’s less room for jealousy in a fulfilling relationship. Find time to do fun things together, have deep conversations, or even just hang out in the same space while you both work on something. The more positive interactions you have, the more secure you’ll both feel in the relationship!^{[19]
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- It can be hard to find one-on-one time when you’re both really busy, so be intentional about it. Try setting aside a time at least once a week to do something together.
- Even when you’re not doing anything special together, look for ways to show appreciation and affection for your SO. For example, give them a kiss or squeeze their shoulder when you walk by, leave them a little note to say “I love you,” or take a moment to thank them for something nice they did.

13

Watch for signs of unhealthy jealousy.

Sometimes, jealous behaviors can become toxic or abusive. Occasional jealousy or insecurity is normal. But if it gets out of hand, it can become really harmful. Take a good, honest look at your partner’s behavior (or your own). If you see any warning signs, have a serious talk with your partner about it. If they’re not willing to listen or work with you, it may be time to move on or get outside help. There may be a problem if:^{[20]
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- You feel like your partner tries to control who you can spend time with, or vice versa.
- Your partner expects you to check in with them constantly, or you expect them to do so.
- You and/or your SO are always suspicious of one another or refuse to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
- One or both of you acts possessive or gets angry easily.
- One or both of you feels the need to spy on the other or check the other’s emails or texts.

14

Attend therapy together.

Don’t be afraid to get outside help. When trust and communication break down in a relationship, it can be really hard to work through it on your own. If jealous feelings are putting a huge strain on your relationship and nothing seems to be helping, talk to your loved one about seeing a counselor together. An experienced and objective therapist can help you understand what’s causing the problem and find healthy ways to work through it.^{[21]
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- If your partner won’t go to therapy with you, consider going on your own. You can still learn valuable coping skills that might help you deal with your own jealous feelings, cope with your partner’s behavior, or decide if it’s time to move on.
- You might also find it helpful to vent to a close friend or family member about what you’re going through. Just talking to someone sympathetic and getting an outside perspective can be a big help.^{[22]
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Expert Q&A
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Question

What should I avoid in a relationship?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

The first sign of an unhealthy relationship is any form of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. Those are the obvious markers, but another thing to avoid would be not communicating what you're feeling to your partner. If you're not digging deep and talking with each other, then you're not really connecting.
Question

How can I stop being so insecure?

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW
Psychotherapist
Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples' relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book "Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids" and also wrote "Professor Kelli's Guide to Finding a Husband". Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW

Psychotherapist

Expert Answer

Support wikiHow by unlocking this expert answer.

To gain more self esteem, do esteem-able acts. Try doing something that will make you feel validated and good about yourself, like volunteering. Look at it as an opportunity to grow.

Warnings

It’s never okay for your partner to control you, refuse to respect your boundaries, or act violent or threatening when they’re jealous. Those are abusive behaviors. If your partner is abusive, try to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Reach out to a counselor if you need help and advice.

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