How to Refresh Your Romance

Co-authored by Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Last Updated: July 28, 2020 References

Sometimes a romance can lose some of its spark as you spend more and more time together, and outside factors begin to weigh on your relationship. It’s important to try and keep the romance going in a relationship by making the time to do fun things together. Small romantic acts can break the monotony and pressure of day-to-day work and life issues, and help you rekindle your romance. Show how much you care, but understand that relationships take some work and patience as well as love.

Method 1

Method 1 of 2:

Refreshing Your Relationship

1
Surprise your partner.^{[1]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} With all the stresses and strains of everyday life it can be hard to find the time and opportunity to do nice things for your partner. You should never take her for granted, but it isn’t always practical to perform big romantic gestures. Try to surprise your partner with small gestures every now and then to show her how you feel.^{[2]
X
Research source}
- Try something simple and unexpected like a putting a note on the fridge that says “I love you”, or slipping a note in her pocket that says “I can’t wait to see you tonight.”
- Finding a note when you don’t expect it can create a very warm and loving feeling.
- It shows that you are thinking of your partner despite all the pressures of everyday life.
2
Rekindle your sex life. Every relationship is different, but often the romance dips as your sex life becomes more routine and less exciting. Make the effort to try new things and talk to your partner about your sex life.^{[3]
X
Research source} Try not to be embarrassed, and be honest about your desires as well as paying attention to your partners. Keep things relaxed and fun, and don’t turn it into an inquisition.
- Try to think of your sex life as a crucial part of your relationship, and a way for you to connect and get closer to your partner.
- Make sure you have time set aside to be together, but don’t think of it as part of your routine like everything else.^{[4]
  X
  Research source}
Advertisement
3
Have a weekly date night.^{[5]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Once you are living with your partner you will probably be spending a lot of time in the house together, but this time won’t necessarily be very romantic or intimate. This is especially the case if you have kids running around. Making time to have a weekly date night enables you to have guaranteed time together where you can just be a couple and enjoy spending time together.^{[6]
X
Research source}
- You will find you start having the kind of conversations you used to have, and you will begin to learn new things about each other.
- Being free from the interruptions of everyday life allows you to concentrate on each other.
- Rekindling this intimate connection can translate to your sex life.^{[7]
  X
  Research source}
4
Talk deeply to each other. Once you have started making more time to connect, with fewer interruptions from the outside world, you may find that you are more able to have deep and meaningful conversations.^{[8]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Talk about your fears, your ambitions, and your relationship. These conversations can bring you closer together and help you continue to discover new things about each other. Remember what sparked your romance in the first place and talk about it.^{[9]
X
Research source}
- While you may realise you don’t have the free time you used to have, you will remind each other of what brought you together.^{[10]
  X
  Research source}
- Talking about fun things you have done together in the past will reinforce the connection between you and your partner.
- You can prompt these deeper conversation by asking each other questions. Research has suggested that certain questions can bring you and your partner closer together.
- The questions to ask include: "what do you feel most grateful for in life?" and "what is your most treasured memory?"^{[11]
  X
  Research source}
5
Be aware of your partner’s needs and desires. An important part of a strong relationship is having two people who understand each other’s needs and desires, emotional as well as sexual. You should concentrate on pleasing your partner and making her happy. In order to do this you will need to really communicate with each other and listen to what the other says.^{[12]
X
Research source}
- If you have a romantic idea, share it with your partner.^{[13]
  X
  Research source}
- Focus on being clear and specific and using "I-statements." This could be "I'm really tired from work this week. Could you take you take care of the chores to help me out?"
- Try to express a need without sounding judgmental. Don't say something like "you should do the chores, I'm tired from work."
6
Listen actively. You should try to practice active listening in order to ensure that you are really hearing and understanding what your partner is saying. Active listening is listening with the intent to understand, not with the intent to reply.^{[14]
X
Research source}
- Give feedback to indicate that you are listening carefully and taking in what your partner is saying, such as just nodding or saying "yes."
- Allow pauses and short periods of silence, but remain attentive and make it clear that you are listening.^{[15]
  X
  Research source}
7
Focus on the positives. It's important to accentuate the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship to keep it strong and happy. Little irritations can build up over time, and can seem more central to your relationship than the more positive things, which you might take for granted. Try to combat this by focusing on the positives and restating them frequently.
- Research suggests that a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative comments is connected to long-term marriage stability.
- A ratio of 0.8:1 or lower, tends to predict divorce, so be sure that the positive outweighs the negative.^{[16]
  X
  Research source}
- Frequent compliments, no matter how small, can help each partner feel more loved.
8
Consider your "love languages." If you feel that you and your partner are growing more distant and are not communicating well, you should consider the different ways in which people express affection and love. There is a theory which argues that there are five main "love languages." Recognizing which of them your partner "speaks" can help you to communicate and understand each other better. The five "love languages" are:
- Words of encouragement or affirmation.
- Quality time spent together.
- Gifts and tokens of affection.
- Acts of service, or help with necessary tasks.
- Physical touch, such as holding hands or having sex.^{[17]
  X
  Research source}
9
Touch and cuddle each other.^{[18]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} Being physically intimate with somebody is not just about sex, but about touching and cuddling someone too. Touching someone or cuddling up next to them can make you feel safe and warm, but it can also make you feel happier and healthier. Research has shown that being physically close to someone results in your body releasing oxytocin, a molecule that can help you to feel more affectionate and trusting.^{[19]
X
Research source}
- Maintaining a relationship that has frequent physically contact, such as cuddling and holding hands, is also associated with more positive sexual relationship.
- More general physical contact has been connected to increased overall relationship satisfaction.^{[20]
  X
  Research source}

Method 2

Method 2 of 2:

Getting a Break from Everyday Life

1
Take time off together. Sometimes the weight of everyday life is such that you and your partner need to get away from everything in order to have some real quality and intimate time together. Schedule some time when you can both be off work, and neither of you have any other commitments and just focus on each other.^{[21]
X
Research source}
- You don’t have to do anything especially out of ordinary, but just being together when you both know that there is nothing to drag either of you away can help.
- Do simple but fun things together to help you feel closer.
- Just turning your phones and spending the whole weekend in bed can refresh your romance.
2
Plan a big trip. If it is possible, you should try to take a trip together to really get away from everything. Going somewhere neither of you have been before will enable you to create new shared experiences together. Taking a holiday can give you a chance to relax together and reinvigorate your relationship by exposing you to new things.^{[22]
X
Research source}
- You can connect all over again as you struggle to communicate in a foreign language, or try the mysterious local cocktails.
- Even if you can’t afford to get away, take some time planning your dream trip together. This will give you something to look forward to and reaffirm that you want to experience it together.^{[23]
  X
  Research source}
3
Do something out of the ordinary.^{[24]
X
Expert Source

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.} A holiday is a great way to have new experiences together that can refresh your relationship, but you can do smaller versions of this too. Try to do something together that neither of you have done before. It will take you out of your everyday lives and help you to reconnect. Talk through some ideas and then throw yourselves into it. You could, for example, take a class together.^{[25]
X
Research source}
- Learning new things together is a great way to help you feel more connected and have fun.
- You could take a sports class, such as tennis or golf.
- You could try an arts class, such as pottery or life drawing.

Expert Q&A

Question

How can I rebuild feelings in a relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Taking time to openly communicate your emotions to each other will help keep your relationship strong, but also try to plan fun surprises or activities you can enjoy together.
Question

How do you rekindle a stale relationship?

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Marriage & Family Therapist

Expert Answer

Try something new together. Pick an activity that's out of the ordinary to make the experience extra special. Additionally, schedule recurring date nights so you have more time to connect. You could also have long, deep conversations to rebuild your emotional connection.